Big Week

This is our fund-raising week at WRIR 97.3 FM, Richmond's only non-profit alternative radio station- after two days we're closing in on $10,000. We've been getting a lot of support and everyone's in good spirits. I'll be mixing bands in-studio every day this week, which (to me) is a blast. Everyone loves me , as well they should-I make things sound good.
One of the really nice girls who does reviews and promos and stuff asked me if I would give her audio engineering lessons. You bet I will. And not just so I can spend hours in a confined space with a smart and pretty girl, oh nooooo, I'm doing it because I could use the help.
Currently it's just two sound guys-I think. The other guy is Bill. Bill is very smart. He's about a zillion times more smarter than I am.But unless we can clone him, he's only one Bill. We need more Bills. (Not the mailbox kind)
I'm great at sound, but I can be a real asshole sometimes. I'm trying harder-I am!
One reason that I don't socialize very well is, um, I'm a lot fucking smarter than most people. I also have a remarkable lack of tact. I have only recently learned that referring to a debate opponent's brain as "a bottomless void from which no light escapes and no logic need apply", is considered rude- even when well deserved.
My bad.




THE MAIN STUDIO



JOHN (L) AND RON (R) BEING INTERVIEWED BEFORE THEIR PERFORMANCE. I''VE KNOWN RON SINCE GRADE SCHOOL, SO IT WAS GREAT HAVING HIM IN THE STUDIO



THEY KEEP ME IN A TINY ROOM FULL OF KNOBS AND BUTTONS. IT'S GOT A SKYLIGHT, WHICH I LOVE.

Congress Acts to Save Marriage

WASHINGTON- Remaining in a decades-long emergency session , Congress today passed a last minute resolution to use Federal authority in what some call a last-ditch effort to get Sid and Nancy Luntz of Wheat Hill, Nebraska, to at least talk things over one more time.
The Luntz's have been in the national spotlight since their marriage started heading south late in the winter of 2018. The Luntz's 2020 trial separation caused Congress to pass the Enforcement of Marriage Act, which banned divorce and gave the government the right to arrange involuntary marriages for citizens it suspects of being single or homosexual.

The Luntz Bill allows the couple to be detained at an off-shore Dept. of Morality (DOM) facility, where they will be held in adjoining cells until they can "sort things out", according to Rep. Jeff Weise (R-MN) , who, along with wife and fellow Representative Ann Coulter, brought the bill to the floor. "People should get married and stay that way, period", said Rep. Coulter,"they should know that there are consequences if they don't. " Coulter did not elaborate.

Mr. Luntz , 48, a former engineer and taxi driver, has been a fugitive since May of 2024 , when the DOM discovered that he had applied to the Canadian government for divorce and asylum. He is thought to hiding in the Toronto area.
President Jenna Bush recently sent a message to the Canadians, saying that "no options were under the table" when it came to locating and capturing Mr. Luntz. The President took her hair out of her mouth long enough to say, " I think I know some hockey fans who need to have freedom spread on them, if you know what I mean."


Mrs. Luntz, a 45 year-old pre-school teacher, has been unreachable for comment since a DOM strike team captured her last summer at her Wheat Hill classroom during what it termed Operation Clean Sweep. Her status is unknown.

T.J. Gets the Coffin Spins

"...I SEE THE END..."

It's not the phone, it's the idiot on it

I got a call from one of the drivers in the accident I saw last week-would I appear as a witness in a civil case against the other driver? No.
(I wonder if it's illegal for him to give me money? I might change my mind).
It was clearly the other guy's fault, I told that to the police at the scene. There were several other witnesses who all back that up. It seems the offending driver was talking on his phone when he ran the light-I was too far away to see that, but from what I've seen on the road it sounds plausible.

I think most of my Luddite misgivings about cell-phones stem from watching yakkers blithely sail through intersections , turn without warning, weave between lanes and generally drive worse than a fleet of grandmothers leaving a B.Y.O.B. bridge tournament.
It's not just yakker
drivers who are rude, but they are the most dangerous. Usually, anyway. The last time I went out to eat, I saw some very high-risk behavior. This jerk was sitting a couple tables over, and he kept explaining, to the whole restaurant, his side of his pending divorce. Jerk came very close to being a prop, along with my cutlery, in an impromptu demonstration of a physical pun based on the phrase 'forked tongue'.

Of course, there's a good side to these ubiquitous electronic pests. They can get you out of a tight spot. For example, having a good phone plan decreases the odds that you'll have to saw your arm off with a dull knife in order to escape from underneath a boulder. It could still happen, but it's less likely. One of those phones with built-in GPS would be quite useful if a tsunami left you stranded on a remote Pacific island.
They are also ideally suited for persons who cannot make a decision on what brand of toothpaste to buy without calling in a 'life-line.' Apparently, that's about 75% of the population.

On consideration, anything that helps 3/4 of the citizenry can't really be all that bad. The phony cops on TV are always catching the crooks by tracking cell phones. The real drug dealers ,who work a few blocks away, use cells to help them increase profits. Everyone wins!

(Next: Examining the etiquette of supermarket discount cards).

Bad Decision Behind the Wheel

"Dude. That's a red light. Oh fuck".
That's what I was thinking when I saw this accident. Tonight I was about a half-block behind this car when it slammed broadside into an SUV that ran the light. The SUV flipped over on it's side. The car driver was OK, (airbag) so he and I ran over to the SUV. I admit, I was scared. Terrified, even. The SUV might be full of broken and dying people.
But it wasn't. It was just one driver, and he was strapped in and seemed to be doing OK. He wanted us to pull him out, but I think that would have been a bad idea. There wasn't any petrol leaking, so I told him to be still until help arrived. We couldn't get him out anyway, all the windows were broken and jagged, the door bent and useless.
Me and the other driver flag down another car, making "phone" gestures, which I guess was somewhat unnecessary, the intersection being blocked by wrecked vehicles and all. Ambulance was there in just a few minutes and firemen pried off the door. He's gonna be all right, but I bet he'll be sore as shit. Lucky fucker. He could have killed himself and others just by running that light.

Anyway, I was a couple minutes late to the meeting at the station, but it didn't matter. Everyone was milling about with beer, hummus and carrot sticks, it was very relaxed. It's a good bunch of folks. Having an open meeting was a great idea because it gives all the staffers a chance to meet-usually the DJ's hardly ever see each other except when changing shifts. I met a lot of cool new (to me) people. I was more than a little bit freaked out when I arrived and a couple good souls talked me down from it by showing me signal processing gear.
New gear! Max explained how to hook a graphic EQ into the sidechain of the new compressor. I already now how to do that but I listened anyway. It was better than thinking.
Oh yeah-
A move to a better location is in the works! For the station, that is.
March 28-April 3 is the first annual fundraiser drive. Lots of promos to record. Every DJ will have their own promo-that'll give listeners a chance to get to hear about different shows. Everyone is trying to get bands to come in and play during their shows, which should give me some work to do. I thought I was unwelcome at the station, but it turns out I was just paranoid and mistaken. I got clapping kudos for the studio 'A' schematics, which made me feel pretty fucking good- I didn't think anyone cared, but they do. It'll all get moved this summer, but hey, setting up studios is fun. I think so.

Weird, ya know? One minute I'm with a total stranger, linked by a car wreck that I wasn't in.
Are you OK?
Don't move.
Help is on the way.
What's your name?
No, I'm not a lawyer.
Don't laugh. Don't move.

The next minute, I'm in a room of happy joking folks. Everyone is excited and talking about the future. I like being around them.

Perplexing, innit?


Digression: Ever try the Blogger spellcheck? Then you'll know what I mean when I say FUJI, FUJI, FUJI!!!

I Leave the House

I went to see some bands play at my friend's gallery last night. It was a tsunami benefit, and it went really well, considering it was the first time they'd ever had a live music/beer thing.
I saw many folks long unseen. I think that's one of the best things about getting old-being able to say ,"Damn! I haven't seen you for fifteen years!", and getting corrected because , no, it's been seventeen years. Many hugs. I needed that more than I suspected.

-There was drumslut Jim T. You probably know him. Everyone (everywhere) knows Jim. He's a fucking scoundrel, but it was good to see him nonetheless. The first time I met Jim was 1983, we were getting high in a rural graveyard. He's the only guy I know who's fucked Natalie (from 10,000 Maniacs) in a filthy bathtub on the second floor of a condemned building. (but there may be more)

-Maia, who broke my heart many years ago, in a weird and strangely musical way. That's forgiven. Goddamnit! You were gonna take me to Jamaica. Oh, never mind-it's ok. And yes, I would like to see the inside of your van. Wow... pot burns pretty good in here...or maybe that was the other van...have a breathmint, everyone!

-Fat Charlie from the punk days. The last time I saw him was at a SanDiego Comic Con about five years ago. No, there was the Chicago Con in 2002...oh fuck...who knows? Fat Charlie likes beer and comic books. So do I.

-Chief of Many Names. Only five living people know the Chief's real name. I'm one, but I ain't tellin'. He introduced me to his new wife with these words, " Me and @((@^ used to move some some serious **** back in the day. I had the whole East Coast!" Thanks, man. Can you say that louder? No wonder you change identities every decade or so.
It's true though. We had some balls-out crazy times in 1980's Atlantic City.

I went out.

It was exactly what I needed.
Special thanks to the earnest, punky tsunami girls that gave me beer even though my money was gone.
Just don't tell me that I remind you of your dad. I hate that.
It's creepy on a number of levels.

Why Do You Insist On Ruining My Buzz?

You crowned so loud
without a source
twice the sound
twice the challenge
once
beaten down
defeat is an only sound
if allowed
the ballast found
surface of debasement
department of deportment
less important
than what?
I don't know
Don't care
Much
Why did you call me?

Love is Powerful Hate

Your marriage almost ruined my trip to the the market.
I should be happy for you, but I'm not.
I'm too busy being bitter.
Why?
Dunno.
I never really liked you that much anyway.
I barely remembered sleeping with you until today.
Today.
Today coulda been a waste of a perfect coffee/bong buzz.
Was it?
Not so bad.
Dredge up the past, why dontcha?
But you didn't.
I did.
You turned out to be pretty cool.
I didn't.
Last night I made a mental list of all the women I've been in love with.
You weren't on it.
My loss.
I hate me.
You like me.
I don't deserve your touch.
It.
Lingers on the forearm in the cereal aisle.
Hot.
I bleed history all over you.
You don't drown.
Separated?
I like you more today than I did then.
The more I like you, the more I hate myself.

Free Lunch

If this is the best pizza in Richmond, why are you serving it face-down on paper plates? The crust has a sooty, greasily translucent quality , laden with carbon scorch and the promise of incontinence. Don't peel the slice off of the plate-don't peek at the toppings-just roll the whole soggy mess up and throw it into the trash.

Where is the trash?

Under the sink.

No, it's not. I'm looking under the sink and there's nothing there.

It's true. There's a deep nothing under the sink. Throw the pizza into the nothing. It goes nowhere, but at least it's gone.