Fatter Up!

Bad news for kids in the Americas and Europe. This problem is not so common in Africa, but the Middle East and Asia are catching up faster than you can say "McLard" in Arabic. (It sounds just like "McLard" in English- funny coincidence , that).
Normally, I'm all maddy and saddy when awful stuff happen to kids - I was freakin' traumatized the first time I saw Willie Wonka (the Gene Wilder one-there is no other version ) and the prissy girl got turned into a purple balloon and rolled away by Ooompa-Loompas to be ...( what? popped? candy-raped? there are entire websites devoted to what happened to Violet. Find them yourself. You'll be sorry you did... )
...but on this fatty subject I have little pity. It may even serve as a long-term boon for humanity to have an entire generation of plump little slow-moving porkers, what with global warming destroying our crops and Mad Cow and Avian Flu decimating our livestock and so on.

Some advice on the avoidance of cannibals: Watch what your kids eat. If it says "high fructose corn syrup" or has the word "hydrogenated" anywhere on the label- take it away from your child and feed it to the neighbor's kids, thus using the annoying brats next-door as easily accesed 'storehouses' for valuable post-Endtimes calories. (Persons living in heavily Catholic or Mormon localities should eat well during the coming Apocalypse)

Participation by children in track & field or some other high-energy activities couldn't hurt. When I was a kid , adults used to chase me and try to beat me with sticks. (See previous post) . While blunt-force trauma and severe blood loss were concerns, obesity was not. A single ass- whippin' gives both parties a healthy aerobic workout, a nice endorphin-release high and the whippee learns a valuable life lesson- namely that bigger, brutal,more powerful and often far stupider people than yourself are always going to fuck you up, no matter what you do.

Being 'nice' and 'playing fair' with these bullies will get you robbed, beaten, fired, cheated, conscripted, evicted,betrayed, divorced, diseased, incarcerated and/or (oops) pregnant. You'll be surprised by these life-changing events, but in hindsight you'll see that you had it coming. It'll be too late to change by then. Maybe someone will help you, but don't count on it unless you enjoy collecting tiny glass animals and drinking alone.

This stops being true when you die.

Another tip: This Halloween, give local trick-or-treaters big spoony globs of canned cake frosting. Sure it's kind of messy and expensive, but consider it an investment* in your nutritional future.
Canned frosting would be considered Nature's Least Perfect Food, except there's nothing Natural about it.
Read the label.
You will see that I am not kidding.

*Note for Endtimes Epicureans:
All that indigestible fat is stored in a gelatinous sheath around the liver and pancreas, much in the same way that a strip of bacon can be wrapped around a filet mignon. Yummy!