Plague Signs

This sign has been displayed in the bakery department of my local supermarket for over a week.
                                                    
"Picks, Kits, Plague  $1.00  Wow!"

Plague?

I think a dollar is a bit steep for plague. Frankly, I wouldn't pay a dime for that stuff. I imagine that I'll probably get it for free after another week of riding the bus. There seem to be a lot of sick people these days.

Me, I'm sick of signs. I especially loathe signs that attempt to correct misbehavior by conspicuously posting rules and regulations. This approach rarely works...I mean, the dude that is breaking the rules already knows that he is breaking the rules and he isn't going to let a mere sign stop him from doing so.
 

In fact, he might even think it's funny.

Meanwhile, the folks who are already following the rules  feel as if they have been upbraided for something they didn't do. I can't speak for anyone else, but that sort of thing really pisses me off.

I mean, I understand toilets and how they are used. It would never even occur to me to place any sort of paper into a urinal -  until this sign planted the idea in my head. It  also provided me with the paper that I needed in order to break the rule.

Bad  sign.

Roots of Bitterness

This is the school paper of Warren County High School, circa 1984. I was on the staff of the paper but my teacher didn't like any of my ideas, hence I rarely participated in class.

My first proposal was to change the lower-case 'o' in the masthead to upper-case and remove the useless dash between 'Co' and 'HI': WA-CO HI-LIGHTS.

It's still an eyesore and illiterate as fuck-all , but at least it's a little more symmetrical.

Better yet, we could change the name to anything but 'WA-Co' - howza 'bout 'The Warren Piece, or Warren Speaks', you know, a pun on the book...by Tolstoy...that one. No, we don't have a copy in the school library...in fact , our school library is a 'hand-me down' collection from the old, shuttered middle school and is largely comprised of juvenile fiction and textbooks from the 1950's and 60's.
I would like to do a news article about our suck-ass library.
May I do that?

No.

May I write an article questioning the validity of my 8 am American Government class? Most mornings we watch a live broadcast of the Phil Donahue Show until the bell rings. I suspect that my teacher, who is also the girl's basketball coach, knows absolutely nothing about American Gov't and I think that the student body is poorly served by her lack of knowledge.
May I interview her and find out just how much she does know about the subject she allegedly teaches?

Yes, but you can only ask her about sports.

Oh. Well, may I do a series of articles on how to play hooky without getting caught?

No.

May I write a 'fluff' piece about fuzzy animals and how cute they are?

No, because Melissa is already writing one. But that is a good idea.

Can I buy ad space in the HI-LIGHTS and use it to sell my old term papers and book reports that I wrote for my other schools?

Are you trying to get me into trouble?

No, I'm looking for a story. I don't have any assignments. Can I at least re-write some of these articles?- they are wrong. Even the layout is a mess.
(Note: This was an Honors class, not the "special needs" project that it looks like- I think the headlines speak for themselves)
Look:


Have you read this part? , I asked. It's nonsense.


This doesn't mean anything. Even in high school, this sort of sloppy writing drove me nuts...
I recall pointing out just a few of the flaws in the 'editorial' piece" quoted above:

-How can the something be both "elementary" and "not basic at all?"

-The " basic needs" are food, water and shelter. Those have never changed and they never will.

-"Thousands of years ago, Greek and Latin were the basics..."
I thought they taught History here at Warren County...'thousands of years ago' is absurdly vague, but if you were lucky enough to have been 'educated' then , there's a good chance you were instructed in Hebrew, Tibetan, Sanskrit or hieroglyphics...and isn't Latin essentially a Roman corruption of Greek, the latter being the last of the Hellenic tongues and the former being the first of the Italic ?
( Please, no umbrage from the Umbrian crowd)

There should be classes for this stuff, I opined without welcome.

- "Instead of the basic needs being reading, writing and arithmetic, we need more computing, communications and calculations to succeed."
According to my calculations, your communication fails to compute. If writing and arithmetic are NOT communication and computing/calculating, then what exactly are they?
Please don't use words to answer that question, as you obviously do not understand words.

-There is no such thing as a fractional high school diploma; one cannot obtain a "diploma in fractions."

Can we please publish some articles that don't make us look like we just fell off the DogPatch turnip truck?

I am getting frustrated with your attitude.


I was at least as frustrated as my teacher.
Every time that I said something that was true, correct, or made sense, I would be ignored , laughed at and/or shunned.

The class was called Journalism. Weren't we supposed to be concerned about facts, accuracy and truth? Boy, I sure did have some dumb ideas back then...

All I was really doing was pointing out the obvious, but that was enough to separate me from my classmates- they even did an article on me:

I didn't have many friends at that school, but I did have a mustache that allowed me to buy beer for the kids with money.

Eventually, I became bored and stopped attending class altogether and started spending my days drinking beer in the woods with the same illiterate rednecks that I mocked in my interview.

After a few weeks of absenteeism, I was called into the Principal's office , where I was told that my chronic truancy was a show of disrespect for my teacher and for the school in general.

I asked my teacher if he had ever read his own paper. If he had, he'd have seen that the Feb. 1984 issue contained an interview with me in which I insult the school, the students and the entire town- my disrespect is public record-any 'real' journalist should know that.

After that I didn't have to attend Journalism Class any longer. I was given a grade of "D-" and banned from the newsroom. I was told that I was not to communicate with my teacher for the duration of the school year.

That D- grade knocked me off of the Honor Roll and ruined my dream of writing a series of self-help articles tentatively titled: "How to Make Honor Roll Without Attending Class."

That same year, I traded my Atari video game to a classmate for a cheap electric guitar and a Boss DS-1 Distortion pedal. I lost interest in computers and starting writing angry punk rock songs about my classmates.
That trade may have been the biggest mistake of my life. Had I not done that, I'd probably be richer than Bill Gates instead of being an unemployed guitarist.

----------------------------

Next: My First Gig.

My Bad Attitude

I'm starting to get fed up with having my resume posted on HotJobs. I get emails from them everyday, but they are never from employers that I have applied to- all I get is spam. The first one I received is excerpted here:

Dear Allan ,

In a recent review of online resumes, I was impressed by your qualifications and feel that you would be a great candidate for the position of Administrative Assistants with World_Voice_News, the fastest-growing online news organization in the world.

For this particular position, we’re looking for someone who is organized, reliable and self-motivated. If you do join World_Voice_News as an Administrative Assistants, you’ll be responsible for making travel and meeting arrangements...

Compensation for World_Voice_News’s Administrative Assistantss is extremely competitive, including an annual salary ranging from $35,000 to $50,000, with the potential...

Sounds pretty good, right? Let's look closer. The weird underscored font gives this the appearance of an old-fashioned form letter, because that is what it is.

"If you do join World_Voice_News as an Administrative Assistantss"...geez.
I cannot join as an Administrative Assistantss. I am singular. Assistantss are plural. The extra "s" only serves to put me into a hissy, sibilant mood.

I wouldn't want to be an AA at the World_Voice_News- I would rather be a proofreader. The potential for overtime is enormous- I mean, this is a business letter and it has typos that Word should catch. A good AA, such as myself, would never allow such sloppy writing into a professional correspondence.

By now, I'm already pretty skeptical of the W_V_N, but I check out the link anyway.
It's a scam. It's a generic application site- the same one you'll be directed to if you are reading the W_V_N , determine that "this is the place for me" and click on the careers link.
(If you feel "at home" reading the W_V_N...well, I'm sorry to hear that.)
At the bottom I see this:
(click yes or no)

Yes, I would like to receive information about higher education opportunities in my field.
No, I do not feel I would benefit from educational opportunities at this time.

If you've ever opened one of those "Take Surveys at Home" emails, you know what comes next- screen after screen of Great Offers and Exclusive Deals on crap that you don't need and can't afford- hell, a lot of it I can't even take seriously- sorry, but nobody gives away BMWs via random email drawings-what this is an attempt to gather data and sell it to advertisers.

So I say, screw this, I wanna see what the W_V_N is. I read a lot of on-line news and I have never heard of them. What are they about?
You can draw your own conclusions, but the headlines include:

"Democrats Concede Surge is Working"
"California Democrat Charged with Assault"
"More Evidence Refute Warming Theories"

and my favorite:
"Who is Ellen Bowen and why is Gross Pointe Talking about Her?"

You won't find much in the way of answers in the article referenced above, which is almost entirely comprised of questions and sentence fragments. This is the opening line:

"I have been following this story for some time now, at Grosse Pointe South High School concerning Ellen Bowen, a teacher, award-winning program director and very well respected by parents, community members, and former students. "

Dude, that isn't a sentence- it's a mess. What is the subject? I? This story? Who or what is "and very well respected"?...Yeah, I know one can extrapolate the meaning from the mess, but the reader shouldn't have to.
This is supposed to be journalism. It requires clarity on the part of the writer- the reader shouldn't have to untangle a verbal mess in order to deduce the meaning.
Worst of all, the writer is a teacher.
This is the closing line, which also fails to qualify as a complete, coherent sentence:

As an educator myself, I am appalled, disgusted and shocked at the community of Grosse Pointe to show such hatred to a teacher who is exceptional.

Aaargh. (Here is a readable article, if anyone cares)

This is how the writer describes himself, emphasis added:

" [Mr. X ] is an educator, specializing in mathematics in the Grand Rapids, MI elementary schools. A proud investigative reporter for the Michigan school systems, and a creative journalist whose stories stimulate you to think. As a coach, mentor, role model, visionary, public speaker and philanthropist in the community, Mr. [X] has created many unique, nationally known programs to honor students.
It's All About the Kids!"

Dude. I thought I was the most humble man on Earth, but your humility is so awesome that it wounds my pride.

I do have a question though: Do your programs honor ( pay tribute to) students or are they for [H]onor students?

Mr X is an investigative reporter who has created many nationally known programs...his rather unique name is given in the article, one shouldn't have to be an ace reporter to combine his name with words like "school" and " student" and use search engines to find these programs.

I couldn't find the programs, but I did find a pdf file containing the minutes from an Aug. 3rd,2005 "Level 3 SPHCM" meeting that the author attended, which includes this note:

5.2 (Microwave Fire Alert)
Three microwave fires were reported where food was either re-heated or cooked without being supervised. An email was sent out by [Mr. X] and [Mrs. Y] to inform all staff regarding fire risks.

Dude! Way to save the children! It took two teachers to send out an email reminding the other teachers to stop burning their fucking popcorn? That's a sad sign of the sorry state of affairs in our public school system...maybe somebody should do some investigative reporting on that.

Try this headline:
"Blogger Exposes Microwave Crisis in Michigan Schools"

Like that one? I wrote it myself.

Note to W_V_N's editors: I was able to find and collate this data in less than an hour. As well as Proofreader, I would like to be considered for the position of Investigative Reporter. I would be considerably more current and objective than:

"How the Marshall Plan Won the Cold War"
Seriously. That's not breaking news or investigative reporting. It's an opinion piece on post -WWII history.

Anyway, the following day I got another email:

Dear Allan ,

The resume you recently posted online has been brought to my attention... you may have the skills needed to fill an Administrative Assistant position we are seeking to fill.
<snip>
The national employee placement organization, National_Human_Resources...

National_Human_Resources constantly seeks out experienced professionals...

The Administrative Assistant position with National_Human_Resources provides support services for small businesses and executives by editing documents, arranging schedules and making travel arrangements...
<snip>
The compensation package for the Administrative Assistant position ranges from $30-$35K annually...

Look familiar?
Yep. It's the exact same form as the W_V_N , just on a different template.

Seriously, if you guys need help with investigative journalism, I'm right here. I can fact-check your stories and proof your copy before I finish my first box of morning donuts. Here's a free piece of editorial advice, sort of a goodwill gesture to let you know that I really can be a valuable cog in your machine-

Tip: Use the same font, size and format on every article. Otherwise, your newspaper runs the risk of looking like it's cut-and-pasted from emails and blogs.

Looking forward to your response.