Riding My Own Llama

Tuesday I got de-hired from my new job at the music store. I think my new boss had figured out that I was going to quit as soon as I possibly could, so he saved me the trouble and sent me home as soon as I arrived. I wish he'd spared me the aggravation of listening to how hard it was to run your own business, how none of his employees ever 'produced'- that all they were interested in was being 'rock stars' etc- and how he really needed someone he could count on but couldn't find anyone...boo fucking hoo.

For eight bucks an hour, you can count on me.
You can count on me not showing up and not giving a shit.
Double that wage and I'll work my ass off for you.
It's not complicated but no one gets it.

I'm not interested in glamor- I want a steady paycheck. Why are you complaining to me about the 'rocker' kids that you hire- who else are you gonna attract if you pay McWages? Rock stars?

I've given up on being a rock star a long time ago. I've shared a stage with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and several girlfriends with GWAR. That's closer to fame than I ever needed to be... if I need my ego stroked, I'll dedicate a two-hour radio show to myself and then go home and blog about it.

Obviously, my ego needs strokin'- so I did exactly that. I dedicated today's broadcast to me, talked about how great I am and backed it up with songs that famous people wrote just for me.

Well...I had some stuff for other people too.


When I got to the station, the robots were running the place...the morning dude had not shown up. I played a pair lengthy, spacey cuts and a couple of classics while I restored human control to the broadcast booth.

Tranquility Bass- Five Miles High

Tangerine Dream- Rising Haul In Silence
Billie Holliday- Don't Explain
I was expecting the early AM DJ to call around this time to let me know that he had overslept again- he didn't call. He was still asleep.

Bob Marley- Sugar, Sugar
It's hard to stay mad while listening to this early 60's Jamaican single. Hard, but not impossible.

Now it's 7AM and time for my show:

The New Breakfast Snob, Sunday Sept. 23

Neil Young- Ride My Llama
When we got on ship/ he brought out something for the trip He said "it's old, but it's good"/ Like any other primitive would
This is for my mother. She collected Camel cigarette paraphernalia; after she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, she modified the 'Camel' logos to read 'Llama'.
Mom had a weird sense of humor. I loved her for that.

Renaissance- On the Frontier
I'm not sure that I can like this band. Two of the dudes have mullets. The music is OK, but they have mullets...

Arlo Guthrie- Wheel Of Fortune
I am certain that I like Arlo Guthrie. No mullet for Arlo, but I sure wish he'd wear a helmet when he motorbikes...

M.H.Price/R.Crumb- Bigfoot Barefoot Stomp
From the soundtrack to R.Crumb:The Musical.
My favorite cartoonist of all time...I have his autograph- that is a rare thing!



Victor Banana- Slumber Precious
Another soundtrack based on an underground comix artist's work. This is adapted from A Velvet Glove Cast in Iron by Dan Clowes, who is best known for the movie Ghost World, which is based on characters from his Eightball comic series.
Dedicated to DJ Sleeper.

Kinks- Situation Vacant
'Situation Vacant' is the British way of saying 'Help Wanted'. I have been reading a lot of those ads lately. Too many.

Grace Slick/Paul Kantner- Harp Tree Lament
Here. Let me cry myself a river.

Steely Dan- Kings
This is for YDG and all my other Texas buddies...I hear that Steely Dans are illegal in your state- perhaps I should pack a few bags, head south and work as a covert door-to-door dildo salesman.
I think the Dan might be singing about King Nixon, but we still have at least one Dick in the White House.

Sweetwater- In a Rainbow
It's a 60's song that mentions 'colors'. It might be about drugs- according to people who have obviously not read FCC regulations, it is against the law to play songs that reference drugs.

Altan-Eoghainan O Ragadan
There's a ridiculous amount of FCC paranoia these days. Eventually, I'll be reduced to playing nothing but instrumentals and songs sung in Gaelic.
This song's title translates to: "Pig-Fuckers and Shit-Eaters".
(Not really)

Loreena McKennitt- Mystic's Dream
McKennitt often has themes of a somewhat paganistic, mystical sort- this, of course, makes her a raving Anti-Christian animal-worshipper ( not really)- but it's probably illegal to play her music anyway- it's that good.

Jethro Tull- Nothing is Easy
I usually play a Tull cut for my colleague, the redoubtable Mr. Jazz, but this one is for Whim.

Be Bop Deluxe- Love with the Madman
If you hang 'round here much longer
You'll be driven crazy with the wonder
of it all
(air guitar goes here)
I had an on-air contest. First caller wins a date with me!
No takers.

Steve Hillage- It's All Too Much (live)
The love I see all around me makes me feel like a starvation artist at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Not that I'm bitter.

Adrian Belew- Oh Daddy
This is for my childhood friend Ron, who was actually awake and listening.
Ron gets up early now that he is a new daddy! Congrats to R & M & A!


10 CC - Fresh Air for my Momma
For my mother. I really miss her.

Quicksilver Messenger Service- Fresh Air
Oh crap. It's another hippie song that might be about getting high...boy, I'm really pushing the envelope here. Or I would be if it was still 1970.
While I was announcing this song, the early AM guy called- he had nearly broken his collarbone the day before and overslept - dude!
Don't play football without pads.

Lou Reed- Average Guy
I worry that my liver's swollen and it hurts to the touch...
Two years ago, my liver was swollen and tender - it was unknown whether it would heal enough for me to live a 'normal' life. It did, but my life is anything but 'normal'.

Captain Beefheart- Dropout Boogie
Can't get a job, can't get a job/Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do?
I honestly don't fucking know. Keep failing until I succeed or die? Look for a couch? An alley?

Iron Butterfly- Are You Happy?
If you answer yes to this question, then I will too. That would be groovy.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer- L.A. Nights
I wanted to play The Doors L.A. Woman for Ruby, but my copy is scratched beyond playability- this at least has L.A. in the title. It's an instrumental, but a lot of people take drugs in L.A. , especially at night, so it's probably against regs to play this song.

Gong- Shamal
These devious Frenchpersons try to make you believe that the line "deep within you" refers to
the "spirit that guides"- hah!
Nice try, Frenchie!
This is obviously hardcore pornography disguised as jazz fusion; it encourage American teenagers to become stoned, pregnant heathens. Don't listen to those awesome jazz xylophone runs- those are placed there by Satan to distract you from the Truth in much the same manner that the Devil planted all those 'dinosaur' bones in the Earth 6,000 years ago to fool you into believing in Darwin.

The Who - Love Ain't For Keepin'/My Wife
Most people don't know it, but I would actually like to get married someday. Not likely, though.
I mean, killers on Death Row get marriage proposals, but I can't even get a date- I'm too much of a wimp to kill anyone- so I think my chances for marriage are pretty slim.

Velvet Underground- Oh Sweet Nothing
Um.

Eleni Mandell- Man in the Paper Hat
Eleni gets it. Tin-Foil hats are like wearing an antennae on your head- a paper hat is much better suited for deflecting mind-control rays.
I have a crush on Eleni but she doesn't know I exist.

Pentangle- Once I had a Sweetheart
If you think this about you, it probably is.

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NFL Note: Enough with the goddamn throwback uniforms- I keep thinking that it's Saturday and I'm watching college ball...you are fucking with my head, maaaann...

Weekend Report

Saturday morning I was listening to the radio and I heard my DJ pals play a couple cuts from this album-Harper and Jugula- a 1985 collaboration between Roy Harper and Jimmy Page.

It made my bulb glow.

Seriously, as soon as I heard that, I had this brilliant flash- bright, but not blinding, if you know what I mean. I must have that album.

I called the station and spoke with my DJ pal Gene.

"Gene", I asked, " do you have that album?"

He said it came in with a batch of old records he was sorting through at work.

Gene has the second-worst job on the planet. The poor guy runs a business that sells records on-line. I think he has six million albums. Anyway, about the only thing worse than selling records is playing them; and Gene, on top of all that , is also a DJ- which is the worst job on the planet. The poor man just can't seem to catch a break.

It about broke my heart listening to all the great music he was forced to handle, so I thought maybe I'd see if I couldn't ease his burden a bit.

"Why don't you give me that record?", I offered. "That way you wouldn't have to own it anymore."

"Well...uh, er..." Oh. I see. Gene is one of those businessmen who thinks his company should actually make money. Capitalist!

"OK. How much are you asking for it?"

"...I bought it for myself. I'm not selling it. I've never seen it before either."

"Gene, stop toying with me. How much?"

"Not for sale."

Begging isn't pretty but it works.

I have the LP for one week. I played it this morning, in fact.

Here's the rest of what I played this morning:

Joe Jackson- Sunday Papers
I used to listen to this on a shoebox-sized cassette Walkman while I delivered the Sunday papers in Columbia , Md. Now I'm playing it on-air. Yeah!

P.J. Harvey- Send His Love to Me
The sound of a woman yearning turns me on. This is some seriously yearning music.

Steve Hillage- Palm Trees (Love Guitar)
He's a dippy hippie but he's no fool when it come to guitar FX- that's analog delay, not digital. Analog sounds better and Steve knows it.

Roy Harper & Jimmy Page- Elizabeth
When this winter is over Elizabeth
I will come for you
Bearing songs on the wings
Of great happiness
-Roy Harper


Loreena McKennitt- Mystic's Dream
The first time I heard McKennitt sing I was done for. This is beautiful, eyes-closed listening music.

Golden Palominos- Pure
This would be a great song to make out to. At least I think it would.

The Beatles- Don't Let Me Down
Beatles.OK? OK?

Claanad- The Hunter
I play this band a lot. It's because I like them.

Quiet Sun- Mummy was an Asteroid, Daddy was a small non-stick kitchen utensil
I've already blogged about this record, but ya gotta love the title to this instrumental.

Led Zeppelin- Down by the Seaside
I could do a whole show just playing all four sides of Physical Graffiti and talking about how great it sounds. I'm not kidding.



Be-Bop Deluxe- Ships in the Night
Would someone please give Bill Nelson some props? The dude helped invent New Wave. It didn't suck when he played it either.

The Stranglers- Ships That Pass in the Night
Gutter-punk with naked mohawk chicks or elegant New Wave ballads with classical finesse? Depends on which album you're listening to.

Pretty Things- Come See Me
"Baby, I'm your man...I'm your man-n-n-n-"

Nina Hagen- Wir Leben Immer Noch (Lucky Number)
I really like Nina Hagen. You either do or you don't and I do.

Pere Ubu- Worlds In Collision
One of my favorite bands. I met Dave Thomas when he visited the station. I said "hello". He said "what's up?"

Brice Woodall- Control Freak
Richmonder who moved to Chicago. I love the way this disc sounds. Dude has a voice and an ear and both are awesome.

Damien Dempsey- Celtic Tiger
Another random internet love-at-first-listen; now a regular on the show. Great songwriter, fookin' brilliant, really.

Mike Watt- Against The 70's
Ex-Minutemen bassist sings a song warning kids not to buy into baby-boomer sentimentality for the 1970'S

Jethro Tull- We Used To Know
Jefferson Starship - Devil's Den
Lou Reed- Vicious
Three baby-boomer songs from the 1970's, played for sentimental reasons.

Paw- Seasoned Glove
This song is sung from the POV of a little boy whose drunken father never comes home at night. I know, kiddo, I know...

Crack The Sky- Lighten Up McGraw
If this guitar riff doesn't kick your ass you don't deserve ears.

The Kinks- Top of the Pops
The music industry has always been full of shit but the Kinks were the first band to do entire albums about it . I love the Kinks.

Robert Anbian and the UFQ- Haikus for the White House
Example:
Haiku Condi
No one so smart
She can't be stupid
Black or white

This disc is brand-new on Edgetone Records. Go buy it.



.....


In this photo (by DJ Charles Williams) the text reads: "Independent Radio Just Got Stronger", but it sort of looks like it says "stranger", not "stronger".

I'm cool with that.

********

Here's the station blog from my turn at the weekly1980's show:

Back in the early 1980's one of my high school teachers brought up the idea that an infinite number of chimpanzees equipped with an infinite number of typewriters would eventually re-create an existing literary classic, such as Shakespeare's Hamlet.

I didn't know what sort of point he was trying to make- it seemed obvious to me that the result would be an infinite number of broken typewriters and the decimation of the rainforests from the production of all those infinite reams of typing paper.

Perhaps, I added without being asked, the Reagan Administration feels that if it provides an infinite number of weapons to an infinite number of chimps, then eventually one of them would write the Peace part of Tolstoy's War and Peace.

Well, I got kicked outta class and spent the afternoon in the woods listening to The Clash's Sandinista! on my boom-box and wondering what the future would be like.
I had no idea how much it would resemble the past.
I'm even listening to the same music.

Oingo Boingo -Wake Up !(It's 1984)
XTC- Wake Up!
Stranglers- Let Me Introduce You to the Family
Listen to that guitar...that's insane...truly whacked.

Keith Levene- Cops Too
The Proclaimers- 500 miles ?
Bernie Krause- Jungle Shoes
The Clash- Police on my Back
This song takes me back...some good, some bad.

Dave Stewart/Barbara Gaskin- Henry and James
Troublefunk- All Over the World
Snakefinger- The Golden King
Snakefinger is one of my all-time guitar heroes. After his only Richmond show, I got high and hung out with him and his band for hours...they were genuinely nice people who couldn't believe that this skinny little kid knew all their songs- I got them to autograph my albums and gave Snake a giant bud for the road. A month later Snakefinger died. I haven't gotten over it yet.

Ozzy- Mister Crowley
Kate Bush-Running up that Hill ( A Deal With God)
Devo- Jerkin' Back and Forth

The only thing that's more fun than playing Ozzy back-to-back with Kate Bush is using Devo to illustrate the irony. Honestly, life really doesn't get much better than this.


Neil Young- No More
It's Neil Young. It's about addiction and the guitar sounds amazing. Mmmmm...

Husker Du- Never Talking to You Again
Dream Syndicate- Until Lately
Grace Jones- Everybody Hold Still
The Damned- Grimly Fiendish
Dukes of Stratosphere- Have You Seen Jackie?
Lou Reed- The Blue Mask
This song is twisted, like totally fucking bent. But it doesn't have any cuss words, so I can play it. Twin feedback guitars, panned hard left and right. It's why Godzilla gave stereo two channels.

Peter Tosh- Bumbo Klaat
You can't even say "Bumbo Klaat" in Jamaica without getting murdered and/or arrested. Seriously. Peter Tosh was a bad-ass motherfucking guitarist, but he wasn't bullet-proof.

The English Beat- Spar Wid Me
King Sunny Ade- Synchro Reprise
Magazine- About the Weather
Played from a 12" 45 rpm record. What an artifact! Nothing sounds better than 12" 45's. Seriously. (78's don't count)

Elvis Costello- Less Than Zero
X- White Girl
Tupelo Chain Sex- The Revolution Will Be Televised
Yello- Desire
My Bloody Valentine- Take My Breath Away
And how.

Uptight, Outta Sight

PUSHERMAN- C. MAYFIELD

I'm your mama
I'm your daddy
I'm that nigger in the alley
I'm your doctor
When in need
Want some coke
Have some weed
You know me
I'm your friend
Your main boy
Thick and thin

I'm your pusherman
I'm your pusherman

Ain't I clean
Bad machine
Super cool
Super mean
Dealin' good
For The Man
Superfly
Here I stand
Secret stash
. Heavy bread
. Baddest bitches in the bed

Here's a song that was on the radio quite a bit when I was a kid- but I can't play it today.
It's a classic song, great groove with an honest but negative message about the dealing life- when I was a kid, we were afraid of heroin because of Superfly - a fear that may have saved my life years later...but I can't play it because it contains
the words 'nigger' and 'bitches'.
I used to hear this song on the radio when I was a little kid- and I am pretty sure that my audience is largely 40-somethings who would get a kick outta hearing this cool old blast from the past- but it ain't gonna happen. I , by habit, do not use the ' n-word' but I'm not squeamish about it's use in an artistic or narrative sense- to make a point, create an image as in the song above.

I guess I could claim he says 'nigga', as if that's any different. Honestly, I doubt if playing this song in the PM would cause a problem, but why take chances?

---------------

We got hit with a huge and unforeseen mess at work, tomorrow looks to be a twelve hour shift; Friday the radio station is having our Second Anniversary Party, so I'll be busy there- if you live in the Richmond area, check it out -
four bands, food, drink , DJ's, dancing- last year we had nearly a thousand guests, this year should be bigger!
I also have two radio shows to prepare for this weekend- Songs From The Big Hair (the 1980's show) on Sat at 3 pm EST and my weekly show , The New Breakfast Snob on Sun , 7 am, so I may not blog much for awhile. Or I might.
Tune in and find out!
Or not.

Bastards! (At least it's not disco)

This is a scan of an album cover from my record collection. The album is King Crimson's USA , a live album that sounded a lot better when I first heard it on 8-track cassette- King Crimson is a great band but this just isn't a very good recording, even by 1975's standards. It sounds like it was recorded in a giant aquarium with the microphones placed underwater, singer/bassist John Wetton has a wonderful voice -but not on this album. He sounds like me at a 1985 keg party on this record-but it was 1975 , so it could have been worse.

It could have been disco.

1975 sure did have different standards- note that this is a DJ copy- it's hard to see on the pic but the two "suggested cuts for air play" chosen by Atlantic Records : 21st Century Schizoid Man and Easy Money , clock in at 7:32 and 6:32 respectively.




Man, I'm a DJ in real life and I get a chuckle out of that- a record label suggesting that we play a seven-minute song!- and what's funnier is that the second song contains the word "bastard" and has a three-minute avant-garde experimental instrumental improv jam toward the end.

Cool. Hard to listen to for some folks but at least it's not disco...

One of my shows is early Sunday mornings and I'm not sure if I'm even allowed to broadcast the word "bastard" in the morning .
Ever since Janet Jackson "shocked the world" by flashing a tittie on TV, it's been downhill at the FCC- that 'incident' , in my opinion, should have warranted maybe thirty seconds of airtime, maybe part of a 'bloopers' segment on the Leno show or something- certainly not a weeks-long media circus and a complete overhaul of inherently useless FCC regulations.

We, as an audience, have some fucked-up priorities.

It was just a flippin' tit and I never would have even known it happened if the media hadn't acted like a bunch of 7th graders about it. Football fans don't watch the half-time Superbowl show and they don't give a damn about the commercials. It wasn't until the next day that I even knew about the wardrobe malfunction - my response: " So what? And who is Justin Timberlake?"

In 1975 the Record Companies encouraged DJ's to play a song with "bastard" in it, in 2007 the FCC is vague but threatening when it comes to profanity- what's OK at night in some areas is not OK during the days in others...it's very arbitrary and ill-defined and by the time you find out what's unacceptable it's too late.

The obvious things like 'fuck' are no-no's but others are trickier- for instance , I am allowed to bitch about FCC regs in the evening hours but if I call my boss a bitch on the air, the FCC can slam my ass...I mean my butt. Unless it's after six ( five on the west coast) , in which case it's ass...I think.
It's nebulous, intimidating and confusing and you don't get a second chance.

You are presumed guilty and it's up to you to prove you aren't. This sort of brouhaha is great publicity for millionaire DJs like Howard Stern but it's a real pain-in-the-ass for us real-life radio DJ's.

(Can I say pain-in-the -ass?
I don't know- what time is it? If South Park is on , you can say 'pain-in-the -ass'...)


When in doubt, it's safest to play something else.

The word 'bastard' might inflict irreversible injury upon the innocent ears and souls of the Kleenex generation- so I won't play 'Easy Money', despite Atlantic Record's recommendation- from listening to the production on this album, I suspect that King Crimson and Atlantic were at contractual odds- artists have been known to sabotage their own works just to lash out at their corporate masters- ask Lou Reed or Captain Beefheart.

So much for playing 'Easy Money'.

Besides, it's six-and-a half minutes long...

I will play something with more appropriate content and length, such as 'Land' by Patti Smith.