It Could Always Be Worse

Have you ever been to Star Trek Convention? How about a Comic Book Show or Sci-Fi Con?
Wizard Con? Dragon Con? I used to get paid to go to them- which, IMO, is the only way to travel when it comes to Cons.

I ran a comic-book shop back in the VCR days, and in the summer my boss would have me work at the bigger shows when he couldn't go himself or he just needed an extra hand- San Diego , Chicago, Javit's, Atlanta- all fun places...I did it part-time for a few years even after the store closed.
We sold bootlegs of old Japanese and Chinese cartoons and Kung-Fu flicks- we never sold Hollywood stuff and we never had any FBI trouble. Back then there was no 100+ station cable TV and all the Interweb had to offer was 28.8k dial-up, so it was pretty hard to get copies of old TV shows like Space Giants and Astroboy- which people wanted, god knows why.

One summer- 1994, I think it was- my boss sent me to Baltimore to work a Trekkie Con. It was in a nice hotel right on the Harbor- I drove up there with my old Honda loaded with Trek 'Bloopers' tapes, X-Files 'collector' bootlegs and grainy-ass Dr. Who serials - of course I was late and barely got set up in time for the opening of the show- in hindsight, I sure wished I'd scoped the room out before I unloaded my car.

I sat behind my booth and waited for the money to roll in- as I said, I have no idea why adults would spend $25 on what is obviously a home-made VHS copy of a Japanese children's cartoon but they did- and I waited.

When I was done with waiting, I waited some more.

Nobody was buying anything.

A pimply Klingon approached the table, looking for something:

"Hey, how ya doin'? Anything I can help you with? Be glad to play anything you wanna see...$25 bucks each, or 3 for $50...", I began my well-oiled spiel.

"Hmmm...grunt... tapes... umm...where?"

"Well, the Sci-Fi is over here- with the blue labels...anything in particular?"

"No.Yorg. Other tapes. Grunk.Where?"

"I'm sorry, I don't speak Klingon- you'll have to use complete sentences. What other tapes?"

The Klingon from Starship Oxy-10 gestured around the room. "Tapes. Like them."

I had no idea what the hell the kid was talking about- I hadn't had a chance to check out the competition yet. Since I wasn't selling a damned thing, I figured I'd better see what people were buying, so I tossed a tablecloth and a "Back in Ten" sign over my merchandise and made the rounds.

I wished I'd stayed home.

It was a Star Trek Sex Con. No kidding.

Two booths down from me a handsome older woman was drawing freehand fantasy sketches for $35 a pop. She was good- and quick- but was being asked to draw some stuff that was clearly making her a bit uncomfortable...I was walking by and I heard a girl wearing a Next Generation uniform asking if the artist could " please make Kirk's cock bigger"- just the sort of question that makes one stop and wonder- and look.

Sure enough, the poor artist was drawing Kirk and Spock in a lover's embrace- holding each other's peckers, to be specific- but the client wanted Kirk to be 'bigger'...the poor woman who was drawing this had a look of dumbstruck incredulity on her face; she didn't seem to know what this particular Con was about and the prospect of spending ten hours drawing homoerotic pictures of William Shatner looked like it was causing her to have some serious thoughts about a career change.

It made me need a drink, but it was 10 am and the bar didn't serve until 11, so I walked around some more...every booth had some sort of Sci-Fi erotica- some of it I was familar with: your typical Frazetta-clone titties and broadsword stuff; the Japanese SchoolGirl cartoons (Hentai, if you need to know) ; Catwoman clothing etc...but it went much deeper than that. People were selling "fan-fiction" and I was dumb and bored enough to try reading one of these Xeroxed masterpieces...it was a first-person account of Spock's internal dialogue: how could he reconcile his Human love for "JTK" with his own emotionless Vulcan personality?

I couldn't finish reading it, so I don't know how it ended. Probably in tears.

Ahhhhgghhh!! Thank Godzilla the bar was finally open.

"Gimmee a draft and a double shot of Wild Turkey."

This breakfast combo didn't even make the jaded hotel bartender blink. Surely he was used to early morning boozers- besides, he was busy gawking at the Animal Girls.

"Get a load of that", he said, looking behind me.

The Animal Girls are a non gender-specific type of FanPerson you can find at most Cons if you look hard enough- but this Con was for them, it seemed. The AG's like to dress as "sexy animals"- tight rabbit suits and fishnet cat cotumes being common examples for the females - Lions, Klingons and Bears for the guys...I'd seen it all before, but not quite so openly displayed.

" How is that cat-tail attached to that costume?" I wondered aloud, looking at a purple Catwoman with a long tail- her costume had no ass and her cheeks were hanging out, which was fine with me and my bartender buddy- but how about that tail? What held it in place?

"It's gotta be a plug," observed the barkeep, his eyes fixed on her ass.

"Nah. All day with that? No way", I remarked, showing just how naive I was at that time.

"Free drink if I'm wrong, five bucks if I'm not", offered up the bartender, who I was beginning to think was the only sane human being in the entire hotel.

"Deal." We shook hands and I ordered another round, which I dispatched in two gulps.

Fortified, I went back to the sales room. I had my "Vendor" badge and didn't have to wait in line, but I needed to get a closer look at the catwoman ass- I mean, a free drink was hanging in the balance ; a bet is a bet and I always honor my wagers.

So it was in the interest of sportsmanship and fairplay that I slipped into line behind the purple catwoman and started in with my very best pick-up line:

"Uh, are you from around here?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Wherabouts? I used to live here, but I haven't been up here for a long time..."

Catwoman looked at my 'civilian' attire and my Vendor tag and her face clouded with contempt.

"You. Are. A. Dealer."

"Well"...I stammered defensively, "I'm just working for someone else, but I don't think I'll make much money today. I brought the wrong stuff."

She looked me up and down and saw less than nothing.

"Yes. Yes, I'm sure you did."

By this time, even my dumb, drunken self had figured out that I was never going to bed this particular Kitty, so I dropped my veneer of gentility. The 101 proof Bourbon coursing through my arteries helped considerably.

"Say, that's a neat outfit...did you make it yourself...?"

"Yes. And yes, it's up my ass."

"Oh."

So I took myself out of line and went back to the bar.

"Draft and a double Turkey?"

"You got it. And here's an extra five for you."

Spamette

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Blind Kingdom

This morning I really didn't feel like going to work. No specific reason, I just felt a little anxious and depressed and was afraid it might get worse before it got better- no real cause for alarm, but I would rather not be in the office when my mood pinwheel starts spinning...there are drugs - legal and otherwise-I can take for this but I don't like to be stoned around people and the Xanax makes me clumsy, as if I were drunk.
Three straight nights of insomnia aren't helping me feel any better.

I was getting ready to call my Boss to tell him I wouldn't be in today but he called me first.
He is sick this morning.

I think he's playing Warcraft and doing bong hits but I don't care- he never asks me for reasons when I call in an absence, he knows that I have the occasional Bad Day- so I'm certainly not going to begrudge him some slack time- besides, I like working alone most of the time. It gives me time to do important things like blogging and posting personal ads on-line.

I'm on the clock right now, in fact.

Technically, I have a co-worker, but he rarely comes into work anymore. I'm surprised he hasn't been fired yet - when I was in management the one sure way to get fired was to not show up without calling, it's a huge peeve of mine- but Boss is nicer than me.

Normally, none of this would matter because it's unobserved by everyone else in the office- we are the Records Dept. and nobody really knows what we do or how we do it,
and that suits me fine. Today, however, there is a problem.

Work needs to be done and the Big Boss is looking for my Boss- who, of course, is not here. So BB comes to me.


"Where is everyone?" , he asks.

"Boss is sick- he called me this morning, and this one...," I gesture at my co-worker's empty chair and shrug.
What else can I do? I have no idea if he's coming to work or not.
It's 10:30 am and that's awful late to not have called.

BB would be turning red if he wasn't already black. He's not into absenteeism.

Watch out. This might get ugly. BB shuts the door so he can talk to me privately.

Instead of the outburst I'm expecting, he tells me what a great job I'm doing and how lucky they were to be able to hire me back. I did recently single-handedly manage a very difficult project from start to finish, but that's my job.
I really shouldn't get such praise simply for doing what I'm paid to do, but that's such a rare quality in today's workplace that my simple competence seems almost miraculous to my Bosses.

Still, I have an unlimited capacity for praise from the BB-and it's a great time to remind him that the company still hasn't adjusted my paycheck to reflect a raise I was given- after he finishes telling me how great I am he assures me I'll be compensated. I'll be 'grand-fathered' and should get a pretty large check in the near future.
I'll believe this when I cash it. I've had company issues before- it's one of the reasons I quit the first time.

While we are having this discussion, the phone rings. It's my absent co-worker's mother. She asks me if he's coming in today. I tell her I don't know, I've not seen nor heard from him.
Big Boss listens to this conversation and makes an important-looking note on his clipboard. I'm guessing it says "fire that guy."

We go over the details of new project and the phone rings again. It's the new Office Manager at an office out-of-town. She's calling me to ask me how to do her job. I put her on speakerphone , answer her questions and give her instructions...this, to me, is absurd. I'm almost as low on the company Totem Pole as one can get- I'm not even supposed to know the answers to her questions, but I do. Why she called me, I don't know, but she called the right place.

BB is stunned. He tells me again how great it is to have me back- that he had no idea how good I was at my job until I left- I provide him with the requisite rhetoric, we shake hands and he leaves me to bask in my own glory.

Whew!

Now where was I....?

I turn back to my computer and I remember what I was working on. Holy shit!

You see, that personal ad I mentioned has already gotten some hits.

In the text of my ad I mentioned that I am a FM DJ and that I like to play a lot of vinyl on my radio show. It seems that Fk_MeSilE, (23, F, bi) has misinterpreted my ad- specifically the part about playing vinyl. I wonder if FM DJ is a 'sex code' acronym for some sort of fetish or deviant specialty- maybe I should remove that info-or highlight it, depending on what it stands for.

At least I think she has misread it...otherwise she wouldn't have enclosed the picture of herself in a shiny rubber Catwoman suit. Not nude, but sexy as hell. One for the 'keeper' folder, heheheheh....
(Goddamn it, she lives in Miami, Florida- that's too far away, even for Catwoman sex.)

Anyway.

This pic was on my screen the entire time BB was lauding me with praise- he didn't even mention it. I wonder if he noticed? Sometimes I wonder if anyone notices anything- I seem to live in a strange parallel universe full of oddities, ironies and flat-out bizarre circumstances that almost nobody else can see.

Usually this works in my favor, so I've learned to sort of accept it...but at times it makes me wonder if I'm really here at all. It's possible that I don't even exist- that I've imagined myself and my surroundings...(note to self : no more Kafka at bedtime).

I just noticed something else- I feel pretty good.

My nerves are steady and I'm not contemplating suicide. Maybe it's the kind words from the Big Boss that have enlivened my spirits, but it's probably the Catwoman pic from Fuckme Silly.

I may be crazy, but I am realistic. Sometimes.

Now...where was I?