A Challenge To The Reader

Below is reprinted an actual verbatim copy+paste of a work memo I received several months ago. It was intended to aid the user in constructing a password that met Bureau standards:

Password must be 12 characters, and as follows: 1 upper case, 1 number, 1 special character, can not contain a word in the dictionary.

That's not especially hard to do for anyone who has been using PCs for a while, but for those who did find it troubling, HQ sent out a memo containing written advice and tips on how to simplify password creation. For a few days, I was required to read this memo aloud to new employees in my training classes, but after I read a portion of it to my boss, she said "ahg! stop!" and told me to no longer read it at class, HQ be damned.

My challenge to you, the reader, is for you to see how far you can wade into this progressively convoluted text before you reach a point where it stops making sense and starts making you feel crazy. How many hours per week could you follow orders given by the author of this mess:

Some individuals are immediately aggravated at this password routine, but if you will stop and think a little you will see that it is very easy. The key to a password is being able to make it sensical to you. For example: there are several alphabetic characters that can be substituted for numbers and vica-versa. An L and a 1 can be interchanged. A 3 is just a backward E. An h just an upside down 4. Certain special characters can be very helpful an ! is an upside down i, an & can replace the word and etc. If you know a foreign language this can help also, for example, in Russian a "ch" looks like a 4 with the top open (you know like the way we hand write the 4) If you know Hebrew a W can be a "shin" or "sh" sound. So with these tools you can make sensical passwords that are easy to remember. For example I could use my position, part of my name and [my job code] to make a very strong password. "amtKDGhe!p$U2" read it, it reads easily and would be easy to remember. Or "I-10ve2gOWop" "I love to go shop" the o of love is a zero, the number 2 for to, the o for go is zero and the Sh for shop is W or the Hebrew shin sound. This can make the creation and remembering of passwords very easy. With a little thought you will see that you don't even have to write them down. Every 60 days, just flip some character around.


Got it? I don't think the writer intended it the way I interpret it, but I love this (slightly modified) line from the jumble above:

The "oh" of love is a zero.

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My 9-year old PC is dying. Despite my job insecurity, I feel that I deserve a new computer, and a good one, to boot. Get it? To boot?

Anyway, I did my homework and found a machine with 8 GB of RAM and added a video card with 1 gig of on-board RAM. My current PC has 608MB of ram and 128MB on the card. The new one cost cost less than $600, shipping included. Nice. We will see how Vista plays out...it's been tweaked a lot since it came out and I've recently talked with a number of happy users.

******************************************
Two radio shows- four hours total- so I'm just posting the playlist and that's it. It's cut and pasted from the radio blog :Artist-Song/Album/Label.
And yes, I did play the song twice by mistake...but other than that, I had a rollicking good time.



The British Breakfast , 23 May 2009 (Guest hosting for Gene)

T.Rex- Chrome Sitar/Futuristic Dragon/Relativity
Soft Boys- Asking Tree/Invisible Hits/Glass Fish
Marianne Faithfull- Broken English/BE/Island
Bill Nelson's RedNoise-Brave New For Young Moderns/SoundonSound/EMI

Kinks- Artificial Man/Preservation Act 2/Konk
Gary Numan- Me, I Disconnect From You/Replicas/Atco
Richard Thompson- Cash Down Never Never/Daring Adventures/Polydor
Cardiacs- Manhoo/Songs To God/ABC

Beatles- One After 909/Let It Be/Apple
Faces-Miss Judy's Farm/Snakes&Ladders/Warner
Ten Years After- Religion/R&R Music To The World/Chrysalis
Steve Hillage-Talking To The Sun & 1988 Aktivator/Live Herald/Virgin

Danielle Dax- Big Hollow Man/Dark Adapted Eye/Sire
Klark Kent- Excess/KK/IRS
Andy Partridge-Cairo/Lure of Salvage/Virgin
Clannad-Love and Affection/Anam/Atlantic
Joe Strummer-Get Down Moses/Streetcore/Hellcat

Damien Dempsey- Marching Season Siege/Seize The Day/Attack
Hawkwind- Space is Deep;Lost Johnny/ Too Much Acid
Moody Blues- Gypsy/To Our Children/Threshold

Pretty Things- Pure Cold Stone/Rage Before Beauty/Snapper
Snakefinger- Every Day I Get The Blues/ History of The Blues
Genesis-Can Utility/ Foxtrot/Atlantic
Magazine-About The Weather/45/IRS
Emerson Lake And Palmer-Bitches Crystal/Tarkus/Shout


The New Breakfast Snob, 23 May : Snubbing Frank

Funkadelic- Good To Your Earhole/Take It To The Stage/Westbound
Residents- My Work Is So Behind/Commercial Album/Ralph
Big Linda- Glass Onion/Mojo Sampler
Garbage- The Trick Is To Keep Breathing/2.0/Almo
Robbie Robertson- Hell's Half Acre/RR/Geffen

Golden Palominos- Pure/Pure/Restless
Residents- Possesions
Klark Kent- Don't Care/KK/IRS
Marianne Faithfull- Flaming September/A Secret Life/Island

Chris Huff-The Night Cafe/North Cathedral Way/Huffmusic
Bob Marley- Hold On To This Feeling/Complete Wailers/JAD
The Frames-Rent Day Blues/Set List/Anti
Patty Hurst Shifter-Promiscuous/Coma La Grava/Pants On Fire

Cursive-Sink To The Beat/Burst and Bloom/Saddlecreek
Ross Phazor-You'll Never Change/Mr. Mango Man/Ross Records

Bruce Cockburn-Anything Could Happen/Big Circumstance/Gold Castle
Stefanie Seskin-Nothing To Say/Edge of Reason/Check Other
Damien Dempsey- It's All Good/Seize The Day/Attack

Crazy Aunt Mary-Quiet Water/(Fell off the back of the Interweb)
Astronauts of Antiquity- Breakthrough/Rocket Science For Dummies/RevCon
Gary Numan- Me, I Disconnect From You/Replicas/ATCO

Skidmore Fountain-Anyone Around/Cloudless Blue/Young Love
Carrie Rodriguez-50's French Movie/SAOAB/Trainwreck
Gang Of Four-Natural's Not In It
Trey Green- My Girlfriend/ Interweb Hijack Mp3
Motorhead-Don't Believe A Word/Overnight Sensation/CMC

Kevin Cahoon & Ghetto Cowboys- Fashionista/ ??
Dare Dukes-Ballad of Darius McCollum/Prettiest Transmitter of All/Starland
G-Spot- Happy Denial/??
Green Man- A Conversation With Death/??

****************

That's all.

Things Come True

The Hagfish, up close and personal:





A long time ago in a cubicle a mile away, I used my idle hands to click an Interweb button:
"Get Your Own Blog", it said.

Oooh, thought I, rubbing my grubby little fingers in glee, I can make stuff up and see if people believe it.

One of the first things I fabricated was an article on the merits of starting a backyard hagfish hatchery. As I scoured the internet for information on the hagfish, it occurred to me that a hagfish farm would actually be a pretty good investment. One can use their skin to fashion small leather goods such as wallets and belts and the slime produced by the hagfish is a viable substitute for egg whites in baked goods and other foods. The hag itself is considered a delicacy by those who are unfortunate enough to have nothing else to eat.
Back then, I had a few strangers email me and ask me for more information on hagfish cultivation. The first couple of times, I wrote back and told them, sorry, it's a joke. There is no such thing as a hagfish farm, said I.

By the third email, this one from a gent named Paul, I was bored. I responded with a request for a $10,000 start-up fee. For $10,000, I wrote, I can convert your backyard pool into a hagfish hatchery- I need the cash up-front because the North Koreans have my best breeding pair in captivity and I need to bribe a half-dozen Communists in order to secure their release.
I never did hear back from Paul.

The joke, such as it was, is now on me. With the environment in shambles and the growing global food crisis, people are eating more hagfish than ever before- there is a huge boom in commercial hag farms and I missed my chance. Paul, I imagine, is a hagfish kingpin by now.

On a similar note, I "invented" Whalanol, which is a natural gasoline additive derived from whale oil; whales, I posited, are a renewable resource and we could take advantage of the rising oceans and use that abundant new seawater to grow more whales.

A few weeks after that post, I saw an article about Whalanol on an Eco-Hippy website. They reported it as news and the 'reporter' seemed to think that harvesting whales for fuel was a baaaad idea, which was my point, but they missed it...I didn't miss the fact that they had plagiarised me. I sent them a letter using the stationary from the law firm I worked at- the "reporter" sent me a check for twelve bucks. I dropped my imaginary lawsuit.


With gas prices where they are now, I am getting worried for the whales. If you don't see the "whalanol-free" sticker displayed at your local fueling station, ask the attendant why. If they can't answer, don't buy gasoline from that station.

Years later, I have reached a conclusion: Making stuff up on the Intertube is a waste of time and a recipe for cynicism. People often believe anything except the truth, which is a shame because reality is rich with unbelievable facts. Nature may abhor a vacuum, but She loves bizarre critters, including the human ape and all the weird stuff it does, such as eating hagfish.

Shhhh...God Can Hear You

I understand that the question: "What church do you go to?" is often used as a sort of conversational icebreaker between practitioners of the same religion. It's a valid question among fellow travelers.

Sometimes I am mistaken for one of those travelers.

Recently, a Christian friend asked me where I went to church.

"I go to the radio station", I said, "I have a Sunday show. Then I watch football."

"Duh", they replied,"I know that...there's plenty of time between your show and kick-off to go to church."

"Well, actually I'm not a Christian."

"Oh." They seemed puzzled. "I always thought you were."

"Really? Why?"

"Because you are very open and honest."

Me? This struck me as especially hilarious. I started laughing.

"What's so funny? You are."

"No, I'm not", I protested, "in fact, I just finished lying to my grandmother. I'm scum."

There was a long pause, finally broken by my friend's whispered questioning:

"You lied to your grandmother...? Uh...do you mind if I ask what you lied about?"

"I lied about religion."

More silence, followed by another hushed question.

"Um, I am not sure that I understand. What exactly did you tell her?"

"I told her that I believed in God," I whispered back,"It made her feel better."

"But you don't believe?"

"No. Why are we whispering? God knows what is in our hearts and thoughts; why are we talking so softly? He can hear. "

My buddy considered this for a second.

"I thought you just said you don't believe in God...how can you know how God thinks and hears?"

"I don't know. But there are books and stuff that claim to. I have read some of them."

"Yeah, I know, me too, but not as much as I should...I wish I were a better Christian. I'm Bad. I'm not Good, at least..."

Now it was my turn to be confused. I asked for some clarification- why were they not a 'Good Christian?'

"Because, honestly, I don't go to church much anymore, especially during football season...the kids have moved out...the divorce...you know how it is. I should go more often, is all..."

Damnation! I have a lot of Christian friends and most of them say the same thing, that they are not "Good Christians", usually because they don't go to church very often...or have ribald thoughts...or drink/smoke/toke (in moderation) etc. It's never for anything that hurts another person- in my understanding a Bad Christian would be one that deliberately causes harm- and none of my friends are like that.
I'd like to ask them questions to help me understand this logic gap, but they have already told me that they are Bad Christians...if I took my car to a garage and the mechanic said: "I am a Bad Mechanic", I'd be disinclined to ask for mechanical advice or service from that shop.
But this was the only garage open, so I asked him a question that I haven't uttered in years:

"Let me ask you something: what if you instinctively lived your life in accordance with the words of Christ- perhaps a few bad deeds (such as 'white lies' told to comfort a dying relative)- but considerably more good ones- you never hurt anyone, you help people when you can; you act on empathy and compassion, you are charitable and honest, kind to children, pets and the elderly etc...in short, you live a very moral, exemplary life- except you were not a Christian. Would you still get into Heaven, assuming it exists?"

"Hmm," he pondered," that's a tough one. Me, I'd be inclined to say yes, that it was deeds, not words that counted- and I think that helping people is a form of worship that has it's own rewards...but I'm a Bad Christian. I think most Christians would say that you were going to purgatory -or to Hell. But not me. But my opinion doesn't matter, I'm a Bad..."

"No, you aren't. You are a Good Christian. If your God exists, He surely loves you", I said.
I meant that.


It's been a year or more, but the last time I asked someone that same 'what if?' question, I was told by a self-proclaimed Good Christian that nothing you did on earth would matter unless you first accepted Jesus, that you could save a billion lives and you would still burn in Hell for eternity because you hurt the feelings of a being that's powerful enough to create the Cosmos. On the other hand, you could kill a dozen people, find redemption on Death Row and get into Heaven on the fast track via lethal injection.

I hope I never understand how someone could believe that.

That sort of dogma makes it difficult for me have any faith in God or Man, so it was refreshing to hear a more tolerant, open perspective...my friend had nudged me ever-so slightly towards a favorable impression of his faith, which, I would think, is what a Good Christian would do.
I think his God would approve and would love him for it. I explained this to my buddy, who seemed a little confused, but mostly unruffled. At least he listened.

"But you don't believe in...ah nevermind, dude. You might be crazy but you're right. Even if you do lie to your grandmother."

I think my Bad Christian pals are better souls than they credit themselves for.

Motivate This

If you have ever worked as an office temporary, you have probably seen the motivational poster pictured above.
The first time I encountered it, I was dismayed and bewildered.

TEAMWORK. MANY HANDS. MANY MINDS. ONE GOAL.

Is this a sick joke?, I wondered.

This poster suggests the Great Wall was an ancient form of Habitat for Humanity, with neighbor helping neighbor and stranger helping stranger, all with good intention- but that's not a very accurate image.
That wall was built because of teamwork, alright- it was built to keep opposing 'teams' apart, sort of like a giant stone volleyball net that the naked eye can see from Earth orbit.

In truth, the Chinese spent over a thousand years building that wall and not all of the labor was voluntary. Portions were built by conscripts, convicts, slaves, the poor and other members of the sacrificial class, who were sometimes worked until they literally dropped dead on the job.
At day's end, the bodies would be collected and dumped into mass graves within spitting distance of the Wall. Some were actually interred in the structure itself.
Go Team!

You know what else the Chinese spent a lot of time working on?
Gunpowder.
Some of the world's first weaponized rockets were launched at the same Mongols that portions of the wall were built to defend against.

Ironically, it was gunpowder that made the Wall obsolete militarily. Imagine a game of Rock, Scissors, Paper. The wall is 'Rock'. Artillery is 'Paper'. Hunker down!

China eventually annexed Mongolia and held it until shortly before World War One; the newly -independent Mongolia was soon 'acquired' by the Russians and later, the Klingons....meanwhile, Mao's Cultural Revolution transformed China into a "Worker's Paradise" ; following Mao's death in 1976, the Chinese government credited much of his humanistic achievements to the teamwork of the so-called Gang of Four, who were subsequently rewarded with lengthy prison terms and commuted executions.

TEAMWORK

MANY HANDS. MANY CUFFS. SCAPE GOATS.

I wager that I could sneak into my old office and replace this poster:










with this one:


and it would be days, maybe weeks, before anyone noticed.


Bets?

Confucius in 2008

A disciple once asked Confucius what would he would do to reform a corrupt State.

"We must correct language," replied the scholar, "if language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant; if what is said is not what is meant , then what ought to be done remains undone; if this remains undone, morals and art will deteriorate, justice will go astray. If justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion.
Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said.
This matters above everything."

Confucius, who was a skilled diplomat and political adviser as well as a philosopher and teacher, was making an argument that society's leaders must, above all, be honest and forthright; and that the consequences of deceit and miscommunication would include moral entropy and societal decay.

Confucius disliked 'spinning' the truth.

Confucius would have loathed George W. Bush and his forked-tongued cabal of serial liars.

1) "...if language is not correct, then what is said is not what is meant..."

Here are some of the major arguments used to support the invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq:
We need to invade Iraq because Saddam has WMD...we are spreading freedom... we need to stay the course, otherwise all the pointless death and destruction that has already occured would be even more tragic and futile than it already is...

What those words really mean:

There were no WMD and we knew it. We are using the war as a means to redistribute the nation's wealth upward and outward- for instance, we'll give billions of dollars to war profiteers like Halliburton, who will then re-locate to Dubai in order to avoid paying taxes on the $22.6 billion in annual revenues generated by the no-bid contracts awarded to them as a result of this unjust war...we will also give billions of dollars in tax subsidies to oil companies who are already experiencing record-breaking profits - this war is too profitable to consider halting . BTW, you will never pay less than two dollars for a gallon of gasoline again, ever.
Vote for us.

2) "...if what is said is not what is meant , then what ought to be done remains undone..."

K-A-T-R-I-N-A . Undone.

Stem cell research. Undone.

What we should be doing is building schools, hospitals and factories in America. We need a Health Care plan that works and the $15 billion dollars we just gave to Exxon, Conoco et.al.
ought to be enough money to pay for that. We don't need to cut spending on social services, we need to curtail funding on war, warfare being essentially an anti-social disservice to humanity.

We can also extrapolate this from #2 : 'what ought to remain undone gets done'.
The endless occupation of Iraq would be a good example of something that should have remained undone. Monetary gifts to the world's wealthiest corporations would be another.

3) "... morals and art will deteriorate, justice will go astray."

Morals? Modern morality is dictated by self-appointed arbiters like Ted Haggard, a self-loathing , homophobic cock-sucking meth-sniffer; Tom DeLay , an unrepentant money-washing embezzler and all-around political tool and William Bennett, a gambling addict who blew over $8 million dollars on slot machines and call girls before declaring himself America's "Values Czar."

Our chronically moralizing President is an alcoholic whose re-election was , in part, due to the fact the more Americans would rather "have a beer with" Dubya than with John Kerry.
Drinking with alcoholics is a bad idea. Electing them is worse.

Art? Who needs art? We have entertainment. If we ignore art and concentrate on entertainment , we can simultaneously dismiss and ensure the deterioration of art.
One of the most popular entertainments of our time is little more than a glorified Karaoke contest, punctuated with petty insults and laden with contrived and grossly undignified debasements and humiliations, self-inflicted and otherwise. Americans know more about their Idols than they know of their Congressional representatives...another famous ancient philosopher warned us against the worship of false idols, but today few pay more than self-serving lip service to that man's words.


Justice? In my estimation, the only noteworthy accomplishment of Paris Hilton's entire lifetime is her inadvertently calling attention to the obvious inequity of our Justice system.

I have my own experience with Justice:
In 2000, I was facing 25-125 years in prison based on some seriously trumped-up Federal drug charges- I had five charges arising from possession of under .8 of a gram (two roaches) of marijuana.
My expensive lawyer told me flat-out: " If you were black, I could probably get the minimum sentence- 25 years- for you. Since you're white, I may be able to get you off."
I served 18 months of supervised probation- which I violated twice without serious punishment- and was discharged. It's not fair, but it did work for me.

Since then, I've had no illusions about the 'justness' of our Justice system.

4) "If justice goes astray, the people will stand about in helpless confusion."

Confucius didn't mean that the people would literally come to a halt and stand in the streets, scratching themselves. He meant that people would lose sight of the Way, that they would lose the ability to think critically and act effectively and would therefor be defenseless against the machinations of malevolent leadership. In essence, they'd be too busy tracking the irrelevant activities of their False Idols to notice what their leaders were really doing.
Confucius would have hated 'reality' TV.

5) "Hence there must be no arbitrariness in what is said. "

Modern leaders aren't just arbitrary- their words are surreal, inarticulate and incoherent.

"There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns."
-Former BushCo Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, on those elusive WMD's, and why we went to Iraq in the first place.

"Success is not no violence."
- Current Resident George W. Bush, using a double negative to describe his Iraq 'strategery'.

The prognostications and observations of Confucius were not couched in ambiguity and political doublespeak.
What he said would happen, has happened.

Is that clear?