Is My Moral Code Written In Invisible Ink?

I have often heard alcoholics talk about how their lives became "unmanageable" when they drank, which is something that I , as an alcoholic myself, do not really fully understand.

For me, the more I drank, the more 'manageable' my life became. Booze made all my decisions for me- except the ones the State made- and I pretty much knew what the goal of each day was- a blackout drunken fog. But that is a shitty goal and it'll kill you sooner than later. Unless you are lucky like me and don't stay dead.

Sober is easy. I'm not at all tempted to drink, no matter how rotten things become.  Not drinking is the easy part, it is what to do with all the sober time that gets tricky.

Take women , for example. Alcohol used to pick my girlfriends for me, and in hindsight it didn't do such a good job on giving me girlfriend-picking lessons. Some I had to learn on my own.

1) After a certain age, sex on the first date is not a good idea. I'm not saying it can't work, but personally I'd advise against it. Nothing lasting has ever started that way for me and the older I get, the more that I want things to last.

2) If your date agrees to a second date and then changes her mind- and then changes it again- things probably aren't gonna work out.

3) Don't date multiple women on the same weekend, even if they are just casual meets.  It is too difficult to focus and you'll just wind up massively confused, poorer and still single. Plus, you are kind of an old-fashioned romantic monogamist at heart...yeah, say whatever you want, but I know what's in yer head, buddy.

4) Don't expect a second date, period. Don't be mad, it just works that way.

5) If you meet someone you really like and you wind up talking while the restaurant closes around you, and that person is genuinely interested in seeing you again, then you should:

6) Cancel your date(s) with other women- honestly and as politely you can - and see how things work out with #5 above first . You obviously like her. She made you laugh out loud, in public.  Dude, you never laugh out loud. I bet you'd dance in front of people if she asked you to- go on, admit it. You would. I knew it.
I mean, you told her how you single-handedly ruined your Senior class high school Baccalaureate and she laughed with anarchistic glee. That is a good sign.

7) Seriously, if your biggest problem is trying to figure out how to cancel dates with attractive women without hurting their feelings, then maybe your problems aren't such problems after all.
Maybe you've actually got it pretty fucking good. She might even like you. If she does, you should be giving life a grateful A+ instead of complaining all the time and convincing yourself that no one likes you. Dumbass.

8) And if it doesn't work out, it really isn't that hard to get another date, is it? You just cancelled two, didn't you?  It's a big desperate world and not many people really want to face it alone, and really, no one should have to. You met plenty of pretty, perfectly nice and intelligent women, but face it dude, you are a little bit weird. Not every woman is going to understand you. (You aren't going to understand any of them, but that is normal, don't be alarmed)

--------------

So I just did 5 and 6 above. I hope it doesn't get to 8 again, but I've been there before and it wasn't fatal, it only felt that way. 

I hope I did the right thing. A lot of guys would probably be able to pull off two or three dates in a weekend...I have a female penpal friend (that I met on a date) and she will sometimes have two dates in a day...not for sex or anything, but still...that would be stressful to me.

I'm not good enough with names for that, for one thing.


 Well.




.

Low Pressure

The future looks pretty bright from where my guitar is sitting but the present keeps pulling the rug out from under me.

Not long ago, I met a woman that I really liked and while my head was still swimming with thoughts of her, I was also saddened by the loss of my long-time friend and party companion Tim M., who had finally lost his battle with cancer.

Obviously, my old friend isn't coming back, but it doesn't seem as if my new friend is going to come back either. And that's OK. I'm saddened and a bit hurt, but life goes on.  If anything, I learned a lesson: only date women with stable lives. I keep forgetting that I'm stable and reliable- I was so drunk and generally fucked-up in the head  for so many years that it is hard to get out of imagining myself as being  any other way. But that is changing-it has to or I'll never be happy.

So my next round of website dates was selected from a very short list of women. Intelligent, very attractive professional women of sound mind, spirit and body. The kind of women who wouldn't give the old me a second glance, much less their phone number. But that was the old me.

I had a great radio show this afternoon and afterwards I went to meet one of the women who had replied to me. She's brilliant, well-educated and funny, she had me laughing and at ease in no time. We had coffee and talked for a couple of hours and have agreed to do it again soon.  At the very least,it was a fine way to spend an afternoon.

Tomorrow I have a coffee date with a second woman. She was actually the very first woman that I messaged from the website I was using; she seems to be good at everything. She is a helicopter pilot- I've always wanted to find a date who was willing to go sky-diving with me, but I'm guessing my next date has already done that. I'll have to ask.

I learned something about dating sites today. My date, who is my age (44), told me that most men our age have a 'search range' for their partner's age that usually cuts off a few years before the man's age. For example, a 47-year old man might be looking for a date between the age of 21-44...a 45 year-old man might have 25-42 listed. My own range was 35-50 and my date liked that, apparently very few  men my age are willing to date older women. She asked me if I had any insight on why that is:

"Because most men are shallow and don't know how to have a conversation with an intelligent woman their own age."

She agreed.

The guys that won't date women my age are missing out. I love women my own age, they've already got themselves figured out by now and don't really need anyone to "complete" them; that and the importance of a shared historical context can't be over-rated.

I also learned something about myself. My past doesn't matter. Today's date is a psychotherapist  by profession, and I wasn't sure how much of my past to reveal, or if to I should tell her I'm actually in therapy at the moment...but we clicked really well and the gist of my story of addiction and brokenness  came tumbling out...it wasn't taken as a negative at all. Quite the contrary, in fact. She echoed what my own therapist has told me- there aren't many people like me out there. She knows what a hopeless addict looks like- it is her job to know- and I'm not like that at all, there is no 'profile' for me. I'm OK with that.

Today brought good music and quality company and tomorrow promises to bring more of the same.

Here's the podcast that proves it.

And yeah...I jinxed myself at the beginning of the show and flubbed a whole bunch of talking and generally got my words and facts dsylexicated.  Happiness trips me up and makes me clumsy but hopefully I'll get used to it.


The New Breakfast Snob: July 2nd, 2011

Rathkeltair- Spanish Chicken

Elvis Costello- Everyday I Write The Book

Jimi Hendrix- Red House

Spirit- Prelude to Nothing to Hide

Bird York- Had A Dream

Peter Ivers- Pursuit of Treasure

Rare Earth- Hey Big Brother

Family- Second Generation

Liars- Proud Evolution

Shadowfax- New Electric India

Sloe Panda- Skeleton

Genesis- I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)

Area 27- Dancing On The Moon

The Tubes- What Do You Want From Life?

Dresden Dolls- Bad Habits

Triumvirat- The School of Instant Pain

Alice Cooper- Go To Hell

The Who- Heaven and Hell

Carrie Rodriguez- Infinite Night

Jennings- Hero

Ace No Face- Snakes

Arvel Bird- Crow

Crack The Sky- Goodbye Mrs. Nature

Green Man- Dirge

Neil Young - Depression Blues

Traffic - Medicated Goo

.