Camouflage

It doesn't look like things went very well during my two-month absence from work. I started last Weds and was told that HR Guy was coming down from HQ on Friday to give us a training session on "Professionalism in the Workplace". New Guy, who was the main beneficiary of this inane exercise, didn't even show up to work that Friday, which sort of explains why we were having the meeting in the first place.

The boss and I were given new handbooks explaining the new uniforms we are required to wear.

Uniforms? What the fuck? I read a bit of the booklet.

"We are Records Management. Document Services wears uniforms. We don't."

"Right. Well, here are some guidelines about dressing on the job."

I skim the documents...the word "camouflage" catches my eye- there's nearly an entire page under this heading.
How strange. I would think that wearing camouflage clothing to work would simply be prohibited, it's a Law Firm, not a Sporting Goods shop... but there's quite a bit of detail here...hmmmm:

-Loose, puffy sleeves can have a 'slimming' effect , as can certain darker colors...avoid bold patterns and tight or clingy garments...

Huh? This is a "how-to guide" for women to "camouflage" a few extra pounds! I wonder how women who receive this booklet feel- they should be insulted; regardless of weight, the whole idea of instructing ladies to "camo" their bodies seems extremely sexist to me- who are they supposed to be hiding the flab from anyway? For whose benefit?

Then we watch a grainy 1990's VHS tape about how to shake hands firmly and make eye contact when speaking to others.

Remember: You only get one chance to make a first impression!
(I have hated that platitude since the very first time I heard it)

Did you know that mumbling, twisting your hair and staring at the floor can lead people to have an unfavorable opinion of your professional competence?
That's what the video tells us.
It's important to look attentive even when you don't give a shit.

After the vid, HR Guy asks us to discuss the video. There are three of us in the room. At 40, I'm the youngest by several years.
I push the various papers aside.

"Look, we are a bunch of old men. We already know how to dress for work. Even when I was a kid I knew how to dress for work. If you give me a wimpy handshake I will immediately dislike you and if you twirl your hair into your mouth I'll think you're stupid and I don't need to watch a video to reinforce those prejudices. All I need is a wimpy handshake or some hair twirling."

HR Guy is smiling. He's visibly relieved to hear my speech. Our lesson is concluded.

We spend an hour talking about football and women and what to do with kids these days, tsk, and then it's time for lunch and hell, might as well knock off early, it being Friday and all.