My Bulb is Dim

My stomach hurt today- this is something that I need to report to my doctor (long story)
So I do.
I'll spare the details, but there's no sign of any internal bleeding- probably just lingering flu side effects- or the onset of another flu attack. Whatever.
I can deal with the flu-that's nothing.

So Doc asks me how long it's been since I had a drink.
Hmm...lessee...six and a half months. Almost seven.
I am not a counter of days in this matter- this surprises Doc.

Am I going to meetings?

No. I don't intend to.

Am I staying current on my medications?

No. I stopped the anti-depressants. They were falsifying my thoughts. I only use the Xanax when I'm totally freaking out. This happens less than it used to. A lot less, now that I think about it.

Well. Bad marks for me on the meetings and the self-changing of meds, good marks for the soberiety and lessening panic attacks. We talk about my "support system" - or rather my lack of one.

Do I really think I'm strong enough to do this alone? (I'm afraid we're getting ready to lurch over into Ted Sermonville, M.D. - Doc is great, but he gets kinda Jesus-y sometimes...)

I don't know. I'll never know if I keep using pills to control my moods.
I'll never know what I'm capable of until I no longer depend on anyone or anything for anything.
Even if it's just for a day.
There. I said it.
I can't take it back.
I am acting against Medical Advice.
What a freaking rebel!

As is usual, I am wrong. Doc is glad that I don't want more pills. He tells me that I'm still having post-trauma stress issues- which should have been totally obvious to me- something I hadn't really considered. I am quite thick when it comes to self-evaluation, it seems.

From Doc's perspective, it's amazing that I can function on any level-much less maintain what is a more -or-less a normal life- without some sort of guidance , program or outside assistance. It's really dangerous to do this, I am told for the millionth time. Yes, I know. Some mild Jesus-talk gets tossed at me. I'm a godless heathen, but I don't get bent out of shape at a private and sincere Jesus moment. It's the thought that counts, right?

Still, I am urged to seek outside help. Or Help.

I say OK, but I have no plan to do so.There's no Grail of Divine Intervention when it comes to fighting these particular demons. If I stumble across something that "helps" as I wander through this new world I'm living in, well that's great. But it'll find me, not the other way around.

For me it has to be that way.

Hmmm...well, if it's working, stay with it. But don't be afraid to ask.

It seems like I'm facing some sort of reality- it's getting very subjective in here so it's hard to tell anymore- and that's a start. I hope it's a start.

It's a start already! Now wouldja finish something for once?