Goodbye To All That

I finally got laid off Friday. It was a real relief, it has been an emotionally devastating struggle to restrain myself from walking out in a ugly and hateful fashion, but if I quit, I cannot collect unemployment. I was laid off without cause so I qualify for the dole.

Dole is only my short-term goal.

When the new boss asked to see me in private, my thought was "Thank Godzilla, finally...", new boss knows she can't do the job without me and she says she begged her boss, Mr. Hole, to keep me but he said "no way". New boss knows that I've been running the office this week and that she's lost without me, but her superiors will not listen.

To them, I'm seen as a menace.

Their stated philosophy is thus: "perception is reality".
This translates into "we believe our own bullshit".
I told Mr. Hole " ... if you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig, but that fact is usually lost on pig-fuckers such as [him]self, since pig-fuckers only see the sow from behind."
(I was so happy with this ad-lib that I wrote it down!)

After that outburst, it took him FIVE days to get up the nerve to have someone else fire me...what a pig-fucker. Any man would have started swinging at that point, but he ran away and never faced me again.

She told me that her boss, the loathsome Mr. Hole, advised her to call security for back-up when she fired me - he was afraid of me, so he passed the duty to her and seemed to think that I might get out of hand (please realize that I would bathe in a pool of sulphuric acid before I would attack a woman) and it might be wise, he said, if she had 'back-up'. Apparently, my verbal assault on Mr. Hole really shook him up- he actually thought I was going to hit him and that I was a dangerous lunatic.

Man, hearing that was music to my ears! I've never thrown a first punch in my life , but I've learned that if you stand up to a bully , he will skulk off- because bullies are nothing but cowards at heart. Mr Hole is a weak bully and I'm pleased as punch that I scared the shit out of him.
I can't believe that he would leave a new, female manager alone with an employee that he felt was capable of physical violence, but that's just another testament to the utter lack of management skills displayed by Hole.

What he didn't know that is that she and I have been getting along fine. We even hugged when we said good-bye. She's a pawn just like the rest of us. I feel sorry for her and I tried to teach her as much as I could in the last week, but she just doesn't have the skills and I'm not gonna be there to do everything anymore. The company has set her up to fail and she knows it ...they told the Firm that she has extensive software experience that she doesn't really have.
The Company didn't tell Newbie that she was a software expert. She was shocked to learn that she is expected to know about programs that she has never even heard of. I'm the only one in the office who can run the programs and they laid me off...brilliant!

I've been brutalized by a barrage of conflicting emotions all week long. I'm outraged at what they did to my boss and to me;I'm insulted, hurt and degraded by the inference that I am not a good worker (if I am so unskilled, why are they trusting me to train the manager?) and I'm a bit melancholic over leaving a familiar place behind...but that passes. I'm also a bit excited about the future. A little scared, but optimistic.

It's been difficult to sift through all the noise and find the music inside the mess, but there is certainly a song in the cacophony; now that I'm no longer in the middle of the lying din I can eliminate the discordant notes and find the harmony, look for the melody...it's telling me that the best thing that could happen for me is a major, upward job change and that it's a realistic goal to shoot for.

This past week I have known that my work days were numbered, so I felt free to speak my mind- I don't know how many readers have had a chance to tell a hated boss to FUCK OFF, but if you have, you know how good it feels. It feels even better when he runs away in fear! Years from now, I will look back on this as a small, but significant victory.
After that encounter, I took the high ground and tried very hard to get Newbie educated enough to stand up during the coming storms. I did a great job and nobody can say I didn't- I beat the fuckers by being better than them. I was tempted to sabotage the entire system, but instead I trained Newbie as best I could, considering the short time available and her considerable inexperience.

I wish her well but my hopes are dim and slim.

In the long term, it doesn't matter to me. I've done more than was reasonable and now I have my own future to look forward to. I've got a show to engineer tonight and one to host tomorrow morning. Then I'll relax and do whatever the hell I want to.

Monday morning I'll file for unemployment and then drive to visit my grandmother.

I haven't looked forward to a Monday for a long time. It feels good.

Diagnosis, Pt .2

I had to go to my doctor's this morning for a physical and evaluation of my COPD. The nurse took my weight and BP etc, and then she gave me a 'system check' form to fill out while she went to get the EKG machine and the doc.
The form was basically a long list of symptoms and maladies with a yes/no box next to each one. This is a good idea- it helped remind me to ask about some minor aches that I have been ignoring since my COPD diagnosis on Monday.

I marked the appropriate boxes and an EKG was done. Let's look in this hole. And that hole.
Awww...do we have to look in that hole?
Breath into this. Inhale. Blow.

After I had been hyperventilated, poked and EKG'd, my doc asked me how I was feeling.

"I've been on the edge of a constant panic attack since Monday. My meds are not helping one bit. I am exhausted."

"Hmm...", he looked at the form I had filled out and asked why I had written "COPD" in big letters at the very top.

Because, I told him, that was the X-ray result I was given by your nurse on Monday.

He was puzzled.

It turned out that the radiologist's analysis- which is not intended as a diagnosis - was given to me over the phone before my long-time doctor had even reviewed the 'Rays. I was given a guess on Monday.

I do not have emphysema . I do not have COPD or lung cancer.
Lung cancer killed my mom and it's a deep fear of mine and worrying about it has been pushing me to the edge- but I'm spot-free.

I do have some very mild scarring in my upper lung lobes, but if I don't smoke, it won't get worse. I can expect the odd asthma attack, no big deal.
And I have a strangely shaped diaphragm in my chest- probably from birth- it is just slightly less effective at aiding the breathing process than a 'normal' person's.

Hell, yesterday I had to run uphill two blocks to catch my bus and I wasn't winded at all- since I quit drinking I have dropped fifty pounds , been exercising and eating well and I feel better than ever. How could I have emphysema? I have smoked a lot of pot, but never cigarettes.

Anyway, my doctor thinks that much of my discomfort is from stress and tension.
Duh.
Yeah, being misdiagnosed with an incurable disease or two will make you tense alright- last year my Granny was told she had a week or less to live- I just called her today and gave her my good news. She's feeling well.
My uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years back. His second opinion found flaws in the lab and x-ray work. He merely had pneumonia and survived.

That sort of thing will pluck one's nerves.

I feel a lot more relaxed now though. Much better.

Thanks to all my pals for the many well wishes!

Note to self: The next time I get lab results from a nurse I will ask "Has the doctor seen these yet?"