Goodbye To All That

I finally got laid off Friday. It was a real relief, it has been an emotionally devastating struggle to restrain myself from walking out in a ugly and hateful fashion, but if I quit, I cannot collect unemployment. I was laid off without cause so I qualify for the dole.

Dole is only my short-term goal.

When the new boss asked to see me in private, my thought was "Thank Godzilla, finally...", new boss knows she can't do the job without me and she says she begged her boss, Mr. Hole, to keep me but he said "no way". New boss knows that I've been running the office this week and that she's lost without me, but her superiors will not listen.

To them, I'm seen as a menace.

Their stated philosophy is thus: "perception is reality".
This translates into "we believe our own bullshit".
I told Mr. Hole " ... if you put lipstick on a pig, it's still a pig, but that fact is usually lost on pig-fuckers such as [him]self, since pig-fuckers only see the sow from behind."
(I was so happy with this ad-lib that I wrote it down!)

After that outburst, it took him FIVE days to get up the nerve to have someone else fire me...what a pig-fucker. Any man would have started swinging at that point, but he ran away and never faced me again.

She told me that her boss, the loathsome Mr. Hole, advised her to call security for back-up when she fired me - he was afraid of me, so he passed the duty to her and seemed to think that I might get out of hand (please realize that I would bathe in a pool of sulphuric acid before I would attack a woman) and it might be wise, he said, if she had 'back-up'. Apparently, my verbal assault on Mr. Hole really shook him up- he actually thought I was going to hit him and that I was a dangerous lunatic.

Man, hearing that was music to my ears! I've never thrown a first punch in my life , but I've learned that if you stand up to a bully , he will skulk off- because bullies are nothing but cowards at heart. Mr Hole is a weak bully and I'm pleased as punch that I scared the shit out of him.
I can't believe that he would leave a new, female manager alone with an employee that he felt was capable of physical violence, but that's just another testament to the utter lack of management skills displayed by Hole.

What he didn't know that is that she and I have been getting along fine. We even hugged when we said good-bye. She's a pawn just like the rest of us. I feel sorry for her and I tried to teach her as much as I could in the last week, but she just doesn't have the skills and I'm not gonna be there to do everything anymore. The company has set her up to fail and she knows it ...they told the Firm that she has extensive software experience that she doesn't really have.
The Company didn't tell Newbie that she was a software expert. She was shocked to learn that she is expected to know about programs that she has never even heard of. I'm the only one in the office who can run the programs and they laid me off...brilliant!

I've been brutalized by a barrage of conflicting emotions all week long. I'm outraged at what they did to my boss and to me;I'm insulted, hurt and degraded by the inference that I am not a good worker (if I am so unskilled, why are they trusting me to train the manager?) and I'm a bit melancholic over leaving a familiar place behind...but that passes. I'm also a bit excited about the future. A little scared, but optimistic.

It's been difficult to sift through all the noise and find the music inside the mess, but there is certainly a song in the cacophony; now that I'm no longer in the middle of the lying din I can eliminate the discordant notes and find the harmony, look for the melody...it's telling me that the best thing that could happen for me is a major, upward job change and that it's a realistic goal to shoot for.

This past week I have known that my work days were numbered, so I felt free to speak my mind- I don't know how many readers have had a chance to tell a hated boss to FUCK OFF, but if you have, you know how good it feels. It feels even better when he runs away in fear! Years from now, I will look back on this as a small, but significant victory.
After that encounter, I took the high ground and tried very hard to get Newbie educated enough to stand up during the coming storms. I did a great job and nobody can say I didn't- I beat the fuckers by being better than them. I was tempted to sabotage the entire system, but instead I trained Newbie as best I could, considering the short time available and her considerable inexperience.

I wish her well but my hopes are dim and slim.

In the long term, it doesn't matter to me. I've done more than was reasonable and now I have my own future to look forward to. I've got a show to engineer tonight and one to host tomorrow morning. Then I'll relax and do whatever the hell I want to.

Monday morning I'll file for unemployment and then drive to visit my grandmother.

I haven't looked forward to a Monday for a long time. It feels good.

Recklessness and Reflection

Lois Lane hasn't always been a good role model for young feminists. The old Lois had pretty much subordinated herself to the dominant patriarchal paradigm, probably because she lacked the intellectual capacity for rational thought. In fact, she was so incredibly stupid that Superman had to save her from destruction every 30 days. In this issue, she's trying to convince Superman to marry her by proving that she is too dumb to live.

If I were Superman, I'd be thinking: "You know, this Disappearing Machine might just be the best thing since bottled shampoo. As soon as the old ball-and-chain vanishes I can get on with the serious business of world-saving. And whoring."

My new boss has the reckless spirit of the original, vapor-locked Lois. Newbie had to go to court today to address her reckless nature- she was nailed doing 70 in a 35 this spring.

"You'll probably get a fine and driving school," I opined.

"But I just finished driving school", she replied. Sure enough, she has a history of reckless driving. She had just finished her sentence from the last ticket when she got nailed with the new one.
Straight outta remedial wheel school and back into reckless abandon...she has what one might charitably refer to as a "slow learning curve." It's my bad luck to have to try to train her to do complex tasks in a short period of time. It's not going well, so I was glad she had to leave for court.
Her lawyer told her she might get ten days in jail as well as fines and possibly even lose her license.
I personally think that chronic reckless drivers should be severely punished, much in the way that drunk drivers are. If your driving habits pose a hazard to people who aren't you, you shouldn't drive. Anyway, she got a restricted (work, doctor etc) license for five years.

I was sorta hoping she'd get ten days just so I wouldn't have to fix any more of her mistakes.

I have reached my limit. I'm going to disappear, but, unlike Lois, it's not going to kill me- it's going to improve me. One day, probably tomorrow, I am going to vanish from the chair I have been occupying for nearly two years and I won't be seen again.

Not in the office anyway. I hope to be seen on blog more often. After a week, I really miss being able to read my fave blogs and sites. I can't even get to email. It sucks.
Right now I don't have a desk or workstation at all, so I imagine I am not going to linger long.
I did get a couple decent-sounding job tips from sympathetic co-workers and one outside friend. I have been 'enhancing' my resume in anticipation of applying to said positions and feel confident that I'll do fine. My years with community radio and the Firm have left me pretty well connected, job-wise. I didn't know that until I asked around, but I am. It's a nice feeling, for a change.
I need a change.
I don't feel like speaking to the Firm or the Company anymore.
I can't do the dead man walking dance and I'm afraid I'm going to do something mean and ugly, and despite the thrill I'd get, I really don't need any more weight to carry.
I need to lighten up. I need to get out.

I'm gonna go *poof* and they will be on their own.

I'm gonna get a better job, take some time off and just plain relax for a change.
Not necessarily in that order.

Until I read the news...