'Fear Factor' To Replace '04 Recount

WASH. DC, NOV 28, 2004- Citing the controversy caused by the Supreme Court’s decision after the 2000 presidential election, the Federal Election Committee today announced a plan to replace this years recount process with a ‘Fear Factor’-inspired televised competition.

Incumbent president George W. Bush and his opponent, Senator John Kerry, will face–off in a series of noxious and degrading contests, said FEC spokesman Carrot Top at a Washington press conference this morning. Mr. Top indicated that the exact nature of each event was yet to be determined, but was likely to involve perennial favorites such as:
-Bobbing for Goat Testicles
-Semi-Naked Scorpion Massage
-Get Leeched ‘til You’re Bleached
-Escape From the Cage-Full of Masturbating Monkeys
-Guano Through A Straw-a-Thon

Mr. Top also noted that the Dave Matthews Band would provide musical entertainment, as well as participating in the Floating Turd Dodgeball event should a tie-breaker be necessary.

When asked for his view on the FEC proposal, Mr. Bush reportedly said he“wished they could have a beer-bong contest instead.” A senior White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, disclosed that the President had “been training”.

Aides to Mr. Kerry said the Democratic challenger expressed a preference for a ‘spelling bee’ competition, but “math would be OK too”.

This year’s election results were deemed invalid after electronic voting machines nationwide showed annoying ‘spyware’ program Bonzi Buddy winning an improbable 89% of all electronic votes.
Mr. Bush and Mr. Kerry tied with 5% each, with Ralph Nader and ‘that guy from the DiTech.com commercials’ splitting the final 1%.

Diebold, the leading manufacturer of touch-screen voting machines, denied allegations of computer malfunction and software manipulation.