Time Machine Veterans for Truth

WACO, TX. Aug. 25- A new ‘527’ group comprised of veteran time travelers has leveled charges at Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, accusing him of having a “significant role” in a number of historical events , ranging from the sinking of Atlantis to the rise of the Third Reich. The group, Time Machine Veterans for Truth, has placed ads in several key ‘swing’ states and garnered wide-spread attention for it’s hard-hitting attack advertisements.

In a recent TV ad, group spokesman Ben Arnold claims,”I saw John Kerry pass a lit crack pipe to Jane Fonda just a few seconds before the Hindenburg exploded. There is no doubt in my mind that John Kerry was responsible for that disaster”.
In the same ad, Bush supporter and long-time mental patient Judith Scariot asks,”Why did John Kerry force Socrates to drink hemlock? Why did Kerry assassinate Julius Caesar? Because he hates America.” The ad concludes with footage of an atomic explosion while the Rolling Stone’s Sympathy for the Devil plays in the background. Mr. Arnold’s voice over: “John Kerry. More liberal than the Kennedys he killed”.

The Kerry campaign quickly released a statement, calling the allegations “some pretty crazy shit”, adding,” they might have a hard time proving John Kerry destroyed Pompei”.

During a press conference held on the fifth floor of Central State Hospital, Mr. Arnold acknowledged that he did not have any “real” evidence to support his claims stating,” I don’t need proof. I was there. I know what I saw”. He then called on Mr. Kerry to release his military records from the Civil War, calling Kerry’s refusal to do so “a tacit admission of guilt”.

Mr. Arnold and Ms. Scariot are the authors of a new book, John Kerry: Six Thousand Years of Treason, soon to be published by Crayola Press.