Thursday, October 07, 2004

Cell Phones, Dead Animals, Jessica Simpson and Other Omens

My daily commute averages about forty minutes round-trip; hardly long enough for experiencing a series of powerful and prophetic visions, complete with a 'spirit-guide' to explain what was being revealed, and why. Besides, I stopped taking peyote when I drive.

But today, a series of seemingly unrelated events gave me some serious clues as to how it's going to end, and why.

On the way in,some Samaritan in a pick-up truck stops dead in front of me with no warning. I squeal to a halt inches from his bumper-the car behind me does the same -no collisions! I'm glad I got my brakes fixed after the last time I rear-ended a truck.

So why'd he stop? Because Madame SUV was stopped on a side street, waiting for a break in traffic so she could enter the main artery of traffic. (During rush hour that's a 5-15 minute wait).
Gentleman Trucker was chivalrous enough to risk a twenty-car pile-up so this Peg Bundy wannabe can get to the liquor store five minutes before they open-maybe she'll be earlier to her bridge game . I hate Gentleman Trucker. I bet he's thinking he'll curry favor with middle-aged suburban hussies everywhere. I hate Madame SUV. I bet she's wearing capris and pumps.

Meanwhile horns are honking. Madame SUV doesn't notice. She flicks ashes out the window.
Honk! Honk! Honk!
Flick. Flick. Flick.

Finally, G.T. gives up and proceeds. I follow, and suddenly SUV pulls out. My second sreeching halt inside sixty seconds. She's holding a goddamn cell phone. She looks daggers at me, like it's my fault she's an oblivious bitch. She says something into the cell, probably along the lines of "some asshole almost hit me". Ciggie in one hand, phone in the other. Fucking brilliant driving.

I get to work. What's that smell? Pleasant Office Lady smells like a skunk today. She ran over a skunk on the way to work-it just walked into the road, looked at her car and stopped. Splat! She's going home to change and bathe, the car's going to the cleaners. The poor girl got out of the car to see if the skunk was ok (it wasn't) and the musk cloud permeated everything. EEww!

On the way home I count four (4) freshly killed raccoons by the roadside. That's four more than I've seen since I changed offices. What gives? My earlier dismissal of animals being able to sense disaster may bear reconsideration. Did the 'coons and the skunk just lose the will to live and give up, doing the roadkill Hari-Kari? Is what's coming down that bad?

I stop at the 7-11 to pick up a six-pack. There's a giant poster in the window advertising a Jessica Simpson X-mas CD. I decide to get a twelve-pack instead.

It's early October and 7-11 is selling X-mas dreck. I am filled with a cold certainty that over the holidays I'll be exposed to one or more songs from this CD. It's not even Halloween yet, and already I'm forced to dread X-mas.

I have a hate/desperation relationship with the holidays, so the thought that X-mas music could become even worse than it already is frightens me. Perhaps I should pour Drano in my ears so I don't have to hear it. I'm fairly certain this act would be fatal if done with determination and a good funnel.

The animals don't have to wait for the holidays to have a reason to off themselves. I can imagine the raccoon's wake:

Relative: So sorry about Bandit .
Bereft Racoon: Thank you *sniffle* . It's for the best. He wouldn't want to live in this world that once that thing we've been sensing occurs.
Relative: I know. I wish humans weren't so goddamn stupid.

The details are murky, but I'm pretty sure mass human extinction will be brought on by stupidity. We will somehow find a way to dumb ourselves down so much that our reptilian brain-stem will be unable to maintain basic autonomic functions-like breathing and heartbeat.We'll dumb ourselves into oblivion.

But that won't be good enough for our brutally narcissistic species. We will find a way to fuck up the world for the so called "lower animals". The animals can feel it coming.

If it starts raining dead birds, I wouldn't be a bit suprised.

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