Hags to Riches

I posted this link in one of my first-ever posts. At the time, I had a temp job that was so slack that I had nothing better to do than spend entire days researching weird animals on the internet. One of my enduring favorites is the hagfish, which is a really fascinating creature.
There's even a sub-culture of 'hag' aficionados , ready to defend the honor of this loathsome corpse-sucker.

Anyway, I had a brief period of hagfish-driven wistfulness, eventually moving on to the snakehead, giant squid and other beasties (until the job ran out)...

BUT

Now I make $30k-$50k a month, in my spare time, raising hagfish. I started with a motley collection of wading pools that I stole from the neighbor's backyards ( not my neighbors-we don't have yards here) and just this month I signed a 10-year contract with The City to convert their soon-to-be unfunded Municipal Swimming Pools into a series of hagfish hatcheries. I can barely find the time to write this, hurried as I am by conversations with my perpetually breathless team of expert helpers-even now we are lining up some other Big Cities and boy, are they ponying up some juicy incentives in order to convince us to annex their burdensome and unsanitary Public pools. I can't tell you the details, since it's mostly illegal, but trust me-it's a Sweetheart!
Big Cities-not dead-end Chicken towns, but real Cities, the kind you read about in the papers. You can do more than read about them- you can own part of them, even live there if you so desire.

NOW IS THE TIME

The hagfish stands poised to go bigtime. I'm talking Global, baby! The Koreans have been eating hagfish for centuries- more so now than ever, since the 'hag's food of choice is dead fish, which Korea's (n & s) polluted waterways produce in abundance. The hag seems able to thrive in an environment of untreated sewage and raw industrial waste, lending credibility to the once far-fetched Mistopian ideal of the world's oceans as a sort of global hagfish paradise. In N.K. there's not much to eat at all but hagfish and sewer cabbages, meaning that North Korea is actually thirty to forty years ahead of the rest of the planet, not fifty years behind , as some speculate.

WHY

Face it- meat's kinda gross. We've sorta skated on the whole Mad Cow thing, but the Avian Flu pandemic seems inevitable- I mean, migratory birds as carriers? That's scary. The possibility of a world-wide decimation of poultry (live) stocks is a very real one, causing an epic shitstorm in Big Food (traded) Stocks. Of course any domestic outbreaks would be covered up at first, or blamed on Canada, or both ; but eventually it'll get out and then-no more chicken or turkey,goose or duck, pigeon or vulture, etc. No more omelets or holiday bird feasting. What a fallen world it will be for the wretched masses who aren't ready to seize the future. The ones who didn't invest in hagfish when they had they chance. I'd pity them, but I'm too busy counting my money. When the chicken disappear, they're gonna leave behind a mighty big market-hole. I intend to plug that hole with hagfish.

HAGFISH IS THE NEW CHICKEN

Like me, if you've ever worked the 'C' shift at a frankfurter factory , you know that anything can be converted into a product that the majority of people will treat as if it were edible. This includes hagfish. As a bonus, hag hide can be fashioned into small, yet versatile articles such as would normally be constructed of leather- a belt, a wallet, or a pouch that a child could use to carry marbles or a pitiful handful of coins collected from passer-by. These items can be manufactured overseas by unpaid children, stamped with a look-alike designer logo and sold on cable TV and parking lot "flee" markets for a tenfold profit.
Even better, the copious slime the fish produces when stressed contains the same proteins as egg albumen, making it a perfect substitute for eggs in many dishes.
This evolutionary throwback is a money tree.
I've even taken the financially prudent step of registering "Hulafish" as a business trademark- 'Hagfish' as a brand name has fared poorly in our focus groups, but everyone one loves the old-fashioned, yet hip sound of 'Hulafish'- it's similar phonetically toTunafish, which gives the consumer a "comfort platform" from which they encounter my product. Our product.

I NEED YOUR HELP

That's a lie. I need your money. A mere $50,000 will grant you semi-exclusive Hulafish farming rights in one or more specially selected zip codes. Some of our carefully selected regions are so desolate and inaccessible that they are virtually uninhabited, making them prime areas for intensive development- you can recoup your initial investment with just one mass spamming, selling sub-farms and franchising sweatshops for the production of "Hulaskin" shoes.
My friend, if you can't sell a product named "Hulaskin" on the web, you should be living in a Marxist collective, not investing in my product.

URGENT

Unless I can get the 50k soon, the City will withdraw it's offer- and the hagfish will never save the world. Instead of millions of dollars, myself and my fellow visionaries will have only our broken dreams and the pained expression on our face as we once again tell our teary-eyed and malnourished children that this Friday, as every Friday before, there will be no Hulafish on our barren wood-plank of a table.

Don't let this happen.

Send money NOW, before it's too late. For the children.