-Individually-Wrapped Potato Chip
After spending the whole day wrapping chips I'm in a pretty shitty mood; so try not to look so goddamned disappointed with your fucking Pringle already.
-Scoop of Ice Cream
You're in luck here. Sorta. Good news: I'm partial to yummy, expensive ice cream and I don't mind sharin'! Bad news: I only have one bowl and one spoon, and they only get washed on an "as-needed" basis, so I'll just plop a scoop on a napkin and drop it in the ol' bag. Hurry home before it melts!
-A Curmudgeonly Lecture About the Old Days
When I was your age we had "real" Halloween costumes, not this cheap-ass Wal-Mart crap- what are you dressed as anyway? one of those movie tie-in toys that comes with a fast-food meal? The junk you kids eat, tsk... back in my day, we used to get candy apples and rum toddies.
Tell your parents to spend more time on your costume and to feed you better.
On second thought, don't bother. They don't love you anyway.
-B-B-BATS CANDY
I miss a few things from childhood, such as CherryBombs , Lawn Darts and loosely-enforced truancy laws, but I don't miss these nasty tooth-killing fuckers. Much like C-Bombs and "real" bottle-rockets , these sorry suckers are still manufactured and given to children, but shouldn't be . No one in their right mind would want one-I especially remember the yellow ones. No one would trade for them. They tasted like the local Dow plant used to smell, at least the way it did before the EPA shut it down.
B-B-Bats Facts:
Bbbats were used in WWI by soldiers(and civilians) on both sides to extract gold filling and teeth from corpses. Working in teams of two, one ghoul would open the corpse-mouth and the second would insert a bbbBat. They'd clamp the jaws together real hard and pull out the bbbBat and all the poor bastard's teeth along with it. (Yeah, it's gross, but it's Halloween.)
One of the first Federal RICO cases involved allegations of collusion between the American Dental Association and the Candy Lobby to create a product that countered the then- rapid spread of fluoridated water and basic dental hygiene.
Bbbats were once the State Candy of the former Czech Republic.
Bbbats once sold a Bacon-flavored candy. Rumour has it that a batch of grease and lard was used in lieu of the traditional vegetable shortening due to war-time (WWII) food shortages.
A second batch was never released.
Q: Which Bbbats Fact is true?
6 comments:
i vote for the bacon flavored one! =)
my boys had a great halloween yesterday, although it was cut shorter than normal because it was raining pretty hard. my oldest with dark hair went as harry potter and my younger blonde son went as malfoy. they love harry potter and looked absolutely adorable. saw a few other potter chars, but none looked as authentic as mine. ok, i'm sounding like one of those moms i usually can't stand - stopping.
i have 2 pet peeves for halloween:
1. kids that don't say thank you
2. adults who try to nab candy from me. i give out full-size hershey bars and i'll get adults with bags saying they want one or they want an extra one for their 3-month old baby. buy your own fucking candy for your non-walking, non-eating infant or yourself. if this was one or two peeps, i could understand the occasional whacko, but we get about 175 kids each year and about 10-12 beggar adults. last year i just blew them off, which really pissed them off. am i OBLIGATED to give you candy? this year i had some dumdums on hand for those peeps. would have handed out schmuck candy if i could find one named that.
Number J
i miss lawn darts. sigh.
.12 gauge + rock salt= 0 beggars.
lol .12 gauge. =)
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