Christmas Is About Me

I deserve medals for all the wonderful things I do. Large gold medallions with bold and inspirational messages such as "I'm #1!" and "I Rock!" inscribed upon them, or perhaps just bearing my name spelled out in semi-precious gemstones. Or diamonds, if available.
I should also be presented with a jewel-encrusted golden crown in honor of My humility. I don't like to brag about My unsurpassed humilty, so I'd like a flashy and expensive bauble to do it for me. I'm very proud of how humble I am, but I don't feel comfortable boasting about it. It's undignified, even if it is justfiable.
But all that's not enough-not nearly. My birthday should be a national holiday. Anyone who doesn't want to celebrate My birth will be given the option of celebrating My twin brother's birthday instead.
I don't like to work on My birthday, so why should I expect anyone else to? (By law, this would be a paid holiday.)
Also, there should be, immediately upon the event of My passing, a life-size statue of Myself placed at the entrance to all buildings public and private; done so in order that the sad and lonely persons who never once had opportunity to bask in the awesome radiance of Me, can, at the least, console themselves by crying upon the unwavering stone shoulder of My graven image.

If this all seems to be a bit much, at least consider simply giving me a set of Pathetic Olympics Medals. I've earned that much, haven't I?

This year for example:

-I got a new, still-in-the-box, toilet seat for x-mas.
(Bronze medal!)

- I received this seat because I specifically requested it. (Silver!)

- It's x-mas night and I have nothing better to do than blog about the toilet seat I got for christmas. (Gold!)

Don't feel too sorry for me , though. Tomorrow morning (I'm very regular) I get to do something that most of you will never, ever, have the chance to do.

Tomorrow, I get to rest my butt on a toilet seat that has never before known the touch of human ass.

How many of you can claim that you've done this?
I thought so.

I'm not sure what to do with the old seat. I may cover it with holly boughs and use it as a wreath/doorknocker, but I'll probably just sell it on ebay.
I will claim it's the toilet seat from the bathroom stall made infamous by this event. It'll sell.

I also got some other things for christmas, but they are probably so much better than what you got, I won't list them here, so as to spare you the pain of any further envy.

While I realize that no christmas can be truly merry without my presence, I still hope that your holiday was above-average or better, and that your next year will be better than this one, although no one really believes that it will.