Last Minute Shopping

Nothing says "Christmas" like waiting until the last minute to waste your hard-earned cash on unworthy ingrates who ,through some obscure familial or social obligation, have forced their way onto your holiday shopping list.
The best way to avoid being bankrupted by an endless stream of $10 party gifts is to invest in a few strategically dispensed items that are so sensational that the recipients will beg you to never to give them anything , ever . They may even tell all your friends, causing them to shun you forever. Think of the money you'll save next year!

Here are some ideas for those of you who are too damn lazy to actually put any thought into what to get for Cousin It's 'mystery Santa' party. I hate 'mystery Santa'- this year I'm putting a $10 bill in a box at the parties I have the misfortune of attending. It's thoughtless, but more importantly , it's what I want. Gotta look out for #1- that goes double at Christmas, ya know?

Here are some real honking dogs that you can use to alienate almost everyone on your "Wish (they'd leave me the fuck alone) List":

10-Hour Stairway To Heaven DVD Boxed Set


OOoooh...scary!


You've probably seen the 4-hour version and (after burning your CD collection and begging the Almighty for forgiveness) wished that it could be a little bit longer, maybe taking the time to expose the unholy agenda of Rock Music just a bit more...

Well, praise Jesus! Your prayer been answered! Here's the full, uncut TEN HOUR version!

Take some Paxil, dose the kids with some Ritalin , kick back and Be Saved.
Stare at the TV for ten straight hours. Repeat until you see The Truth.

Can You Put A Price On Salvation?
Yes, you can. Here it is:

Extended Involuntary Holiday Vacation



Whether it's state prison, a mental institution, creepy nursing home or top-secret CIA "freedom camp", wouldn't it be better for you if certain annoying people in your life were shipped off somewhere where they couldn't bother you?

Of course it would- and it's a lot cheaper and easier than you might think. Our current prices are so low that it would be illegal to publish them. It really would be.

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'Gigantic' Radioactive Stone Head

(shown actual size)

Those godless heathens over on Easter Island have ruined their once pristine island paradise and now their children are forced to eke out a toxic sustenance-level existence carving these authentic replicas out of spent Russian nuclear fuel rods. Act now to exploit these hapless waifs before they grow gills and are cast into the sea.

Due to the magical density of beautiful, deadly Uranium 235, these tiny statues are much heavier than they look, so expect to pay a bundle for shipping. Comes in a lead gift case.

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eBay Starter Kit

Do you know someone who can't ever seem to hold a job? Perhaps they have have a drinking or gambling habit , suffer from head trauma or are just plain gullible- in any case it ought to be easy to convince them to pay you to "help" them sell all the useless, broken crap you just dumped in their attic. Link their bank account to yours and listen to them squeal with delight as you seperate them from their savings. Tell the grand jury you don't know how it happened.