Time Is Running Out

I'll be 40 next year and I still haven't found a paying job that I like. Most people would consider me to be "hopeless" in this regard, but most people would be wrong.

I am not hopeless.

I am, however, quite desperate. ( def. 5. nearly hopeless, critical- AHCD )

Why don't I do something different? Good question.
I'm too lazy to do anything productive, so I guess I'll have to use the internet instead...hmmm.

I didn't have anything better to do at work today than write emails to pencil manufacturers asking them to sign me to an endorsement deal.I am the World's Most Famous Office Temp,after all.( There is not one shred of evidence that says that I'm not, so it must be true.)
I am very hopeful about this.

Everyday, I will pick a company at (more or less) random and send them an email explaining why it would be in their best interest to give me money. (I've got 100,000 readers! ( actually just 99,996 accidental hits) I've played in (bands that shared the stage with, on different dates) very famous bands! I am a shameless whore who will write glowing praise about almost anything for very little money!)

On the off-chance that this doesn't work, I've got some back-up plans:

- Establish an internet-based copywriting/proofreading service for exiled African Princes and their Banker Pals. I get a lot of letters from them, and they've got lots of cash, but the letters are always poorly written- for example:
"Consequently I am badly affected because the rebels needed my assistance and co-operation by releasing the national treasury department to them which I Strictly refused their entry. Therefore out of my four children two was kidnapped including my father and they were eventually killed by the rebels. Further more, all my investments and other asst wereburst to pieces. "

I'd love to help this guy but I'm confused- I mean "...out of my four children two was [sic] kidnapped including my father..." -is one of this man's children also his father? I don't think that's possible. And what's a "wereburst"? Is it like a werewolf? No wonder he can't find anyone to help.
I have offered this gentleman my proofreading services and general English wordful prowess.( but first I will need $1000.00 to get my computer out of hock.)
I am anxiously awaiting receipt of his bank account information.

- Sell items that seem to be illegal and immoral on the surface, but are really harmless. For example the text of an ad placed on a porn site might read "Tiny Feet! The "hard -to-get" kind that real men like- direct from Asia! Rubber, Plastic,Hard, Soft, under 18 all OK!" Of course, what the pervs would really get would be something like this (it's clean). What are they gonna do? Take me to court and tell the judge they wanted some kiddie porn and I ripped them off? That'd be fun!
Plus, I could sell my customers names to real porno dealers and to the F.B.I.
(I'm starting to convince myself- I may actually do this. It's pretty fucking brilliant,really).

Maybe something more traditional would be better:

-Open a vegetarian restaurant staffed entirely by trained animals (and their handlers). There's probably a whole shitsock drawer full of regulations saying I can't do this, but it's always been a dream of mine...I love the irony of selling expensive bowls of flavourless gruel ( for only $13.95 , you can eat just like a Third-World peasant!) to patchouli-clouded middle-class hippies who wear socks with sandals. I know that there are lots of people doing this already, but none of them have a staff of unpaid and poorly treated chimpanzees.
(On second thought, they might...)

-One word: Hagfish.

-Two words: Hag fish.

Three words: Hagfish farming commune.

The future, should it ever arrive, will be bright indeed!