Processed Goodness

A quick recipe that turned out a lot better than I thought it would:

Allan's Salt Bake

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Ingredients (served me thrice) :

- 1 box Supermarket Brand (SB) "Rice-a-Roni" type product, chicken extract flavor.

- 1 can SB "Chunky Soup" product, chicken skin flavor - NOTE: do not use "noodle" soup. Look for a can labeled 'Chicken Vegetable' or 'Garden Chicken' or some such thing. If doubt persists, read the ingredients. If you see words like these - "enriched macaroni/egg noodle product" -put the can back and choose another -also-if it does not contain Monosodium Glutamate, put it back and choose another. Repeat until proper can is found and purchased.

- 1 can SB buttermilk biscuits

- A sad handful of vegetable remnants found in the crisper , chopped into bits

-garlic, fresh

-salt, fresh

-garlic salt, dehydrated

First, do not pre-heat oven

Second, combine the per-serving sodium content of each packaged ingredient and divide by three. A calculator or computer program such as Excel may be used by the mathless. If the number you arrive at is under 2000, you will need more salt.

Heat your big skillet. Drop in some olive oil (or rendered beef tallow) and the chopped veggies, garlic and salt and stir them for awhile. (Be careful. If the veggies turn a uniform shade of black, you have fucked-up and will have to begin again, except that you are now out of produce. Order pizza. Never attempt to cook anything again).

BEFORE the veggies burn, add the Rice-Roni product and prepare it in the usual fashion. Do not overcook.

Around now is when you should pre-heat your oven to the temp specified on the biscuit can.

Place skillet contents into a medium-large casserole dish. Add contents of soup can.

Drop contents of biscuit can on the cleanest flat surface in your kitchen. For me, this was on the floor, under the newspaper under the cat's dish, but your kitchen may differ. I sure hope it does, anyway.

Roll the dough together into a globby mass.Try to make it flat. Hands, feet or traditional kneading tools such as a rolling-pin or howitzer shell casing may be used.
The shape should be roughly identical to the casserole dish.

Get frustrated trying to fit the dough on top of the contents of the casserole dish. Think about all the energy you are wasting because you heated your oven too soon. Curse. Realize that you just said a bad word in front of your kids. Curse again, silently this time.

Eventually, you will succeed in forming a sort of 'lid' on the dish. Once this is accomplished, place dish into oven.

Wait a period of time equivalent to twice the length of the full version of 'Hey Jude'. Check oven after the 6th and 12th choruses of each playing. When your biscuit-lid is golden brown, protect your hand with thermally-absorbent material(s).

Use your hand to remove dish from oven. Set and let cool.

Answer the phone. It's your grandmother. She likes to talk.And talk. You'd better listen if you know what's good for you.

By now, your food is room-temperature (unless you set it outside to cool, in which case it's probably been devoured by possums).

Place food on plate. Heat in microwave.

ENJOY!

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Easier than Baked Salt!