Sleep is for the Weak

Over the years I've mastered quite a few methods of keeping myself awake for pointlessly or even harmfully lengthy periods of time. The really good ones don't even involve any particular chemical stimulants- although you might as well put on some coffee, because it's going to be one of those nights...

First, try to alter the concrete by using semantics. For example , instead of wrestling with "insomnia", stare vacantly into the TV and congratulate yourself for your "vigilance."
Stay up until the wee hours creating and deleting Word documents or playing video games. Refer to this as "productivity."

If this verbal wool-over-the-eyes doesn't keep you from counting sheep, try more desperate measures:

1) LISTING: Make lists , mental or otherwise, of things you can't change but can help illustrate your failings . My personal favorite is internally de-constructing the final moments of every relationship I've ever had - and shifting the blame for the break-up to myself. I can remember the name of every woman I've ever been with, which isn't a bad thing. Being able to list them in reverse alphabetical order- that's a bad thing.
Feel free to use other subjects for your own listing- it needn't be personal. History is full of interesting stuff you can't do anything about. Start with the classics: re-read Plato. Urge Socrates not to drink the hemlock. Maybe it'll end differently this time. Admit to yourself that if you were in his place you'd say "screw this" and choose exile over death.
Toss and turn.
Pick five people that you admire and who were assassinated. List them in chronological order or list them by severity of execution. On my lists Rasputin places at #2 and #1 respectively, though I don't exactly admire him- it's more like awe. You may take a different view of history. I hope that you do.
If you still feel sleepy, pick five more victims and make a list of reasons you weren't there to save them. Would you take bullet for John Lennon? For JFK? MLK? Cesear? For Jesus?
Why or why not?
I wouldn't. Because I'm afraid of dying. (duh.)
Facing this moral dilemma should be enough to keep you awake until at least dawn.

2) PESTER: If you are married or living with someone you might as well make them miserable. If they want sex, withhold it. If they don't want sex, demand it, then change your mind. Sulk.
Listen to music using headphones, but do not place the headphones on your head. Place them on the nightstand next to your partner's head. When the tinny squawking wakes them, tell them that they snore. Argue. Resist the temptation to have fight-sex , as it will make you sleepy
afterward.

If you have kids, put on a scary mask, coat yourself with fake blood and wake them up. Scream.
Tell them it's only a dream.
Repeat as soon as they fall asleep.

3) REALITY BREAK: This is only for advanced non-sleepers!

After 48-72 hours of sleep deprivation your mind will start playing serious tricks on you. Perhaps you will hallucinate or hear voices. If this is normal for you, it may intensify; if it is not, then you have successfully gained insight into the schizophrenic's world. Temporary psychosis is the guitar solo of mental illness. If it's short and well-played, it can be awesome. If it's poorly executed or overly long it tends to suck.
With luck , you'll enter a nearly hypnotic fugue state , create a masterpiece of art and pass out in a soft , safe place. When you wake, you will marvel at your creation. The rest of your life will be spent in a futile attempt to recreate that one transcendental moment, leaving you with a haunting, hollow feeling that is perfectly suited for keeping you awake at night.


If you need help, give me a call. I'll be up.