Bush: Rasputin Not to Die, Resign

PRESIDENT PRAISES MAD MONK:
"I LOOK INTO HIS EYES AND SEE A GOOD MAN"



WASHINGTON (AP)- U.S. President George W. Bush staunchly defended White House Special Advisor Grigori Rasputin on Thursday, delivering a passionately incoherent speech during a press briefing held on the bank of the Potomac River. The riverside setting was a powerfully symbolic gesture; the podium mere yards from the scene of the latest in a series of attempts on Mr. Rasputin's life, seven in the last ten days alone. No assailant has been apprehended in any of the attacks, although Bush daughters Jenna and Barbara have reportedly been unofficialy questioned by the Secret Service.
Calls to the Secret Service were not returned.

" 'Razzy' here," said Bush, using one of his trademark 'folksy' nicknames, " has been real good at his job of leak stopping. I've known him since before I was born and I can look into his eyes and see a good man. My wife , you know, she likes a good man too" continued the President, pointing at himself and making a strange face, " and she thinks Razzy is 'the best'. That's high praise. "

Mr. Rasputin, 138, was initially brought to Washington to help the Bush administration stem a growing flood of media leaks. Despite early praise for the Russian monk's success in stopping "media bleeding", he has been facing increased media criticism since earlier this month, when several widely-read left-wing bloggers published a series of email correspondence between Mr. Rasputin and a White House insider using the name "Alexandra."

The widely-published letters are largely sexual in nature and have yet to be proven authentic, but a newly discovered cache seems to suggest policy connections with First Lady Laura Bush and Sec of State Condeleeza Rice.

According to investigative journalist/blogger Upton Sinclair, the emails show that the current war in Iraq was largely based on a series of post-coital "fantasy" conversations between Mr. Rasputin, Ms. Rice and "Alexandra", which Sinclair claims is a blanket pseudonym for Laura, Jenna and the younger Barbara Bush. The latest emails to surface purportedly refer to the vaguely defined plan for an Iraqi occupation as "Operation Afterglow", but what details- if any- are contained have yet to be announced or confirmed.

Mr. Sinclair had some angry words concerning the spreading rumors during an appearance on Canadian television this past Wednesday.
"That Russian nutjob is [having sexual intercourse with] the whole family harem and the President is too stupid to even notice. I bet he gives the guy a medal for [ expletive] his whole family", said Mr. Sinclair during an interview on the CBC's Terance and Phillip Show.

Mr. Bush closed his remarks Thursday by announcing plans to award Rasputin a special Skopsty Medal of Freedom and Purity. He then departed to a GOP fundraiser where Mr. Rasputin was scheduled to baptize infants for $5,000 per child.