Petra Dishes Out The News

I wasn't a participating member of my first long-distance relationship-I was a captive audience.

It started back in 199? when I was trying to put a band together- I tacked up some fliers at the music shops asking for a singer and a drummer. This was standard practice back then, but not very effective.

Usually.

After a day or so I got a call from a girl named Petra. She was a singer and wanted to be in a band.
Petra...hmm...sounds exotic. Having a girl singer for your band can be a plus, attendance-wise.
Sexist but true.
Sure, Petra, c'mon over and let me play you my demo tapes...heh heh..

Nah, it wasn't like that. I actually had an honest-to gosh human girlfriend at the time, so it really was all business. For me ,anyway. At the time I ran a guerilla recording studio out of the basement of my apartment building so she decided to come over and check me out. She was bringing a CD of some chick I had never heard of -P.J. Harvey- maybe I'd like it, she said. (I did)

An hour later there's a beautiful young redhaired Goth babe sitting in my living room and she's turning me onto P.J. Harvey's first album- which was new at the time. Alabaster skin and a red velvet dress... I didn't know it until then, but I have a real weakness for redhead Goth chicks named Petra who like PJH.
Can she sing?
She starts singing along with Rid Of Me. She's amazing. I am agog.
Hey, I bet I can play that song - let's hit the studio.

I figure out the chords and set up a decent beat on the drum machine- off we go!
It's musical love at first jam.
She's available.
She tells me this in a very matter-of-fact way.

I'm not available, I tell her.
I'm dating someone that I secretly fear will kill me in my sleep.
Lucky me.
Bad timing, but we can still do the band thing, right?

Yeah! Let's! We pick out some songs from my vast archives...I'll arrange them so we can practice and record until we find a drummer and bassist- maybe we'll just use the machine.
We start getting a cool 4AD sorta sound. I'm pretty excited. It's slow but steady progress.

Then the excuses start.

Petra gets sick.
Sore throat.
Allergies.
Mom is sick.
Her boyfriend is sick. What boyfriend? She'll tell me later...
Cat is sick.
Dog is sick
Boyfriend's cat and dog are both sick. ?
Sore throat again.
Mom still sick


Finally she comes over.
She looks different. I realize she's not wearing any makeup. Very odd for her.
She needs to tell me something.
She's moving to California to be with some guy she met on the Internet. I don't even know what an 'internet' is, so she explains it to me.
How they 'chat' all day and night.
Soulmates, they are.
Sound like bullshit to me.
No, really- here's his picture. Isn't he gorgeous?

She hands me a photo of some Surfer Pretty Boy. He looks like the kind of guy that sells pot by the gram out of his dorm room . Blond curly mop of carefully disheveled hair and a salesman's smile. I hate him on sight.

See? Look at him, she implores.
She sounds weird. Acid? I don't think so... i

She's staring over my shoulder at his picture. Breathing audibly. She's hanging tight on my arm, squeezing and releasing it nearly imperceptibly - she's so horny that I can smell it. I'm tempted to forget about my looney girlfriend and just fuck Petra on the kitchen table but I'm afraid she'll call out Surfer Boy's name and I don't think I could stand that.

Uh, Petra, I don't think you should do this. This guy is probably full of shit. Have you talked to your folks? Have you thought about this at all?
Why don't you go visit before you move or something? Besides, we've got a drummer auditioning next week...

Sorry, but she's dropped her classes, sold all her stuff and bought a ticket already.

She gives me the third-best kiss I've ever had.
I will write you as soon as I get settled is her promise to me. Bye.

Nice knowing you. Write if you find work. Bye.
This all takes a while to sink in.
Poof! Here she is .
Poof! Gone.

For a couple weeks I half-expected her Dad to call me up and ask me if I knew where the hell his daughter ran off to. He never did.

Petra never wrote. She never called.

I wonder whatever happened to her?

About a month later my girlfriend tried to kill me.
It's been downhill ever since.