A Rolling Total

For the last few months I've been dreaming of naked women.

What's so unusual about that, you ask?

It's unusual because the dream situations aren't sexual at all. Sometimes there's an atmosphere of intimacy and calm that suggests a relationship involving sex, but one not based solely on the act. A very comfortable feeling, really.

Usually the naked woman is explaining something to me, sometimes I remember the message when I awake, sometimes not. It's alway's important and meaningful, though. Really , it is.
(We would all do better to listen to our dreams, but later for that rant)


Sadly, when I think about naked women explaining things I cannot help but think of automobile insurance. I realize this is not an association most people would make, so allow me to digress:

I met my last lover while I was doing temp work for Big Insurance. She worked in Auto Claims,
an auburn haired Scorpio who could match me drink for drink, pun for pun.
Smart and crazy. An Allan magnet.
In this blog I used to refer to her as Lenore, due to her habit of tapping on my chamber door- or rather tapping on my window at midnight or later. She actually got the reference without me having to explain it.
Sigh.

She never let me into her life- she was divorced, then she wasn't- just separated- no, divorced...the answer changed every time I asked, so I stopped asking. I really liked her, but it didn't work out...no ill will, just some sadness.
Besides, she's part of my Big Chief Ten Beers days- I still care about her but ...well, but. That's that.
Anyway-
I had someone to drink and fuck with, so I was pretty happy, even if she never-not once- let me stay with her at her home. Always my place or a motel. Like I said- don't ask.

It was at one of these motels that Lenore explained something to me.
She had pulled the curtain slightly apart and was looking out of the window, a strange habit of hers that I somehow managed to overlook at the time.
(Note to sober self: If your girlfriend is always looking out of drawn curtains after sex, you do not have a girlfriend. You are having an affair)
Lenore started giggling as she peered out at the parking lot. This wasn't unusual- she was a very funny ha-ha woman and often saw things through a warped lens. Our trysts were drunken giggling wrestling stupidity matches- great goofy fun, really. No regrets there.



Me: What's so funny outside?

L: Your car.

My car? Are you mocking my penis, woman?

No, silly- I'm mocking your car. It's a 'rolling total'.

A what?


Lenore returns to bed , straddles me, looks down and explains what a 'rolling total' is.
She's doing other, really interesting stuff, but she's smiling and talking about auto insurance while she does these other things.
(It's things like this that made me stop questioning the sanity of my lovers. I now take it as a given that any woman I'm involved with is nuts)

A 'rolling total' is a car with no real book value.

Oh. Oh.

But it still runs, you see...

Oh, yes. It does.

So if you have any kind of damage...

...damage...

We'll write a check and call it totalled and part it out..

T-oh -totalled...

but for a few bucks you can buy the car back ...

Back. Back up.

And drive it if it's still running..

Oh god, it is like so totally still running.

So keep that in mind if you have an accident...

I just had an accident.



And then she giggled again and kissed me.
Afterwards "rolling total" became our code-phrase for "let's ditch work and go fuck".
It's funny the things lovers call "it".

I've completly forgotten what I was writing about, so let me end with a question:

What's the funniest term for a sexual act that you've ever heard?
No photos, please. I've learned my lesson about that.