The following is compiled from actual conversations that I've had with several different women. The settings vary , but the conversation is always the same, if somewhat paraphrased. All the boyfriend stories are true-or at least I was told that they are:
HER: My boyfriend is an asshole. He came home so drunk and wasted that he opened the closet and started peeing into it. All over my clothes! He didn't even know what he was doing, that's how fucked-up he was!
ME: You mean ex-boyfriend, right? That's really bad behavior, you know. You should dump that guy right now.
I know he loves me.
Because he pees on your clothes?
No, because he gets so angry with me he can't contol himself. He hit me once, you know. It's my fault...
(Rage building) He HIT you? Leave him now. You are an incredible woman- no man should ever hit you. It's wrong, it's inexcusable and it needs to stop. It is NOT your fault!
But he loves me.
I love you too, but I don't hit you. Is it a sex thing?
No, I'm not attractive to him anymore. When we fuck, he puts a centerfold on my back and looks at it because I'm so ugly.
( This was such a screwed-up thing to hear that I was almost speechless- the woman who told me this was very pretty and had a great body)
...he does what?....fuck...god...but...you are beautiful...oh...damn... Why don't you leave him?
Because he loves me. He burns me with cigarettes.
What? I thought you stopped burning yourself...
Yeah, I did stop- until he moved in. He caught me doing it and he took away my cigarette and burned me on my tits. He said it would make me stop.
(HORRIFIED) Did it?
( She showed me her arms. It looked like lava had rained on them. I almost cried.)
No.
So you started burning yourself again after he moved in with you?
Yeah. It makes him angry when I do it -because he loves me.
That's why he hits you. Because he loves you- right?
Yes.
But he gets mad if you hurt yourself- also because he loves you, correct?
Yes.
So it's OK if he hurts you, but it's not OK if you hurt yourself- and it's all because he loves you?
Yes.
I don't have the slightest idea what love is, then, because what you are telling me is insane. It makes no sense to me. Why do you put up with that? Why don't you call the police? Shit, for $100 I can have someone ki...
No! He only does it because he...
...loves you. I get that. What I don't get is why you think that is true. I love you- you know that- and I could never do that to you.
I wish I could...
You wish you... ?
I wish I could meet a man like you. Someone sweet who listens to me...
You already have. I'm a lot like me and I'm right here.
I meant, I wish I could meet someone who's like you that isn't you. Do you know what I mean?
No, but what you said will haunt me forever.
(Obviously, this was true)
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After the conversation, the woman invariably goes back to the abuser. It never ends well- ever- but they keep going back. Some are still together, others not- one woman ....I don't know. She's just ...gone. I don't know where.
They always go back.
In effect, this is telling me that I am less desirable than a violent and sexually abusive man.
I have a hard time accepting that as true- yet this pattern repeats itself over and over.
I could never love someone enough to burn them with cigarettes. To hit them. To abuse them in bed. I don't have that sort of 'love' in me.
Maybe I'm incapable of love, but I don't think that's the problem - I think I'm drawn to women who have great difficulty with being loved. I'm like that myself- I have no problem with the idea of loving someone, but the idea that they might love me back?
That 's impossible.
It must be.
It's never happened.
I don't know how I'd respond if it did, but I know it wouldn't involve violence and abuse.
But- I'm drawn to women who are addicted to abuse, and when I can't give it to them they lose interest in me and go back to the hurting, the burning, the arguments- the hitting and the cutting and the breaking of things.
I can't change how I feel anymore than the women I care about can change themselves...there is no middle ground. I know this, yet I can't help it.
Knowing it isn't enough.
Nothing is. Nothing I've found , anyway. I'm still looking, so I guess I haven't lost hope, it's just...it's hard. It really is. But...
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than treat a woman the way these men do.
There are worse things in life to be than lonely.
Aren't there?
7 comments:
Excuse me, Allen...
It is hard for me to read your blog and to continue browsing through others'... because this post is really.. I don't even know...
well, the man I am with right now, and am completely in love with and know that I am to marry, was once incredibly broken. That is what attracted me to him. A guy, broken? A guy, who wants to talk about his hurt? A guy with a freakin' heart? He found refuge in my presence. I wanted to listen so much to his brokenness that I wouldn't let my problems come into a conversation. I wanted to hear him and let him know and be assured that that I cared--a stranger to him at that time.
I, too, am attracted to hurt, abused, emotionally distraut hearts. Not sure why. But what was amazing to me about Josh was that he opened up to me like he trusted me.. and he did. That was what really did it for me...
And what he said was attracting to him about me was my consistency to be there and to pull it outta him. He saw that I cared, and sacrificed my time to hear his cry and to reassure his worth and real beauty (or whatever).
Our friendship was based compltely on reassuring eachother on the worth we were really made of and the potential we have to get outta the rut. We have only been together for a short time, but STILL, we break... we fall.. we get hurt but we want and strive to lift eachother up. And it brings us closer.
Being attracted to a wound is good... and women DO see that as wonderful. And it's amazing how falling in love, a confident love, can steal away pain and hurt that originated.
Sorry for the long comment, your post really hit me.
Allen,
Do you have a motorcycle?
Ya see here is my take on things-- I use to want to fix the bad ones and just be friends with the nice ones. Well to make a long story short, after f*in up many times trying to fix Mr. Wrong-- I fell in love with my best friend. Sweet guy, but a ruff edge about him. If you don’t take the time to know him he looks like a bad boy. He’s way too good for me.
So my son is 12 and has had a motorcycle since he was 4. The reason is simple, he is too sweet. I didn’t want all the girls to like him like a brother. He is proclaimed the local dork smart kid -- until the girls they find out he has a motorbike! Danger!!
Allen, don’t try to figure those girls out – just be you, stay away from the hurt woman of the world and get a motorcycle—oh and keep smiling! The more you smile the more sane woman you will attract.
Jolene-
I like long comments, so np there...especially if it's a helpful , hopeful one. You mention friendship-I think that's important. I've had friends and I've had lovers but rarely both in the same person.
It's hard to write about this stuff, but it helps to do so- keeps the wolves off the porch, so to speak...
Citymouse- nah, no motorcycle , but I got a lot of Bad Guy Cred- Rock bands, bad habits, tattooed friends ,Federal convictions.. etc.
Smooth with the bike thing...brilliant really. He owes his mom a big one!
I do smile. Just seeing the phrase 'sane woman' is enough to make me grin ear-to-ear. Sane woman- what a crazy idea!
See? I'm smiling right now to indicate I'm kidding.
Here's some of my psychobabble heh. First off, the woman in the post has the issue and it does not reflect on you. You are not less desirable in the scheme of men, you are less desirable to the women with the self esteem/father figure/abuse history issues because their identification of love actions is different. The only way you could make those women love you (until they choose to have therapy, etc) is to hurt them.
So why are you attracted to these women? Perhaps you are drawn to someone who also feels vulnerable. I think many feel vulnerable about things, but some are more apparent and have more vulnerabilities than others. Given your past, it should feel easier to bond with someone who can empathize with pain. Helping someone else with their pain helps one feel they are helping their own pain in a way. Plus in this world of so much superficial behavior, PC talk, and fast judgments, it feels good to talk to someone about something REAL, like pain.
Your self-confidence is changing with your sobriety yes? Both positively and negatively I would guess. Perhaps you will have the confidence to approach a woman who isn't obviously f***ed up?
I know the one is out there for you. Boy is it going to change your life. =)
(sigh)
Hey Everyone-
Thanks for caring, but I'll be OK, really- I'm more concerned as to why good women are unable to help themselves when it comes to choosing Bad Men- not the "Motorcycle Bad" guys who are decent guys at their core , but rather the "Restraining Order Bad" men who are psychopaths in their actions- I can only shudder when I think of what lurks in their core.
Why are these guys in such high demand?
"No, but what you said will haunt me forever."
Not too long ago, I loved a man and I thought he loved me back. Until he fell in love with another woman and tried to explain to me how I simply wasn't her. This is what he said:
"She's beautiful. She's been trying really hard to get her kids back. And she's beautiful, just beautiful... even with the track marks on her arms."
We both knew the track marks were fresh daily, or close to it. I walked away wondering what could possibly be wrong with me that I was less desirable than a junkie. The only thing I could come up with was that she was skinnier than me. You have no idea how many times that phrase would flash into my mind when I would look in the mirror.
Now, before you stop to explain to me that you've met me and I'm beautiful and I'm a good person and obviously the guy had the problem... stop for just a minute and compare my response to him to your response to the woman in your post.
We're not so different, you an I. I've met you and you're a good looking guy and you're absolutely delightful and obviously the woman had the problem.
Now, take a load off and listen to "Fucked Up Girl" by The Vandals. I'll send you the lyrics.
Love and Respect
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