Chances Taken

A few days ago I recorded a talk-show 'demo' for a new volunteer at the station- I am very glad I did- the show is about writing and the host, of course, is a writer.
The guest was a real joy- her name is Joy- and I found myself raptly listening to the discussion, which was about the process of writing memoirs and touched on how difficult it can be to do so- ...wow, I thought, this is very similar to the internal conversations I have with my 'other personalities' about blogging- can I say that? will this hurt so-and -so? Am I even remembering this event correctly? and a thousand like questions...lately my #1 self-question has been " what am I doing wrong?"
So I did something that I was afraid, at the time, might be somewhat uncouth- I told the host that I had been doing some writing myself and wanted to share it with someone, preferably another writer...anyway, I didn't get the crippling fear and self-doubt that usually prevents me from saying "Hey! I do that too! Can we talk about this?" to someone I don't even know. I just sensed that this new volunteer was someone I could relate to, although there was very little actual conversation between us.

What do I write?

Um, er, well...I've got this blog, see....except it's not even a proper blog, it's just this giant mess...but some of it is good, I think...I'll send some samples...

Oh. I keep forgetting that a very large portion of the 'writing world' is somewhat disdainful of blogs- there are some really great writers on blogworld but it can take a while to find them, so I can see where this attitude comes from- couple this contempt with my own insecurities and I'm usually too timid tell people (in real-life) that I blog.

But I let the 'B' word out, and didn't get slapped down- I had this instinct, see, and I followed it.

I'm terrible at labelling myself, so I took a deep breath and sent her a half-dozen links, expecting to get no reply at best or perhaps a restraining order at worst...I mean, I hit on some heavy topics in this blog and that's a lot to dump on anyone, especially a total stranger.
I don't like rejection or revulsion much, and an unsolicited offering of my work (music or words) tends to lead down the "eeeewwww, get away from me" path- some notable exceptions are to be found amongst my tiny readership, for which I am very grateful *wink*- but usually I'm left feeling unwanted and unwelcome.

I didn't get either of those feelings.

I got an email that I wish I could have bronzed and hung upon the wall above my non-existent mantelpiece.

I was amazed at the the time and thought she put into reading my work. No one outside blogworld had ever done that before - I mean, I can't even get my own Twin to read my stuff, and my friends who read it almost never leave comments ( except one from Jerry that I'd also like to have bronzed, so nice it was) - so having a total stranger take a long , objective look was like a rain of pure manna.
My new friend was able to very clearly pick out various themes and concepts and see that I was working towards something (or things) bigger- (I'll spare you the details. It would sound like bragging, which I guess it is, sorta...)

I didn't know that I was doing all that, but she nailed it. Dead-on. From the outside, looking in.

I think she'd be a great editor, although I'm honestly not sure what an editor does. I just think that she'd be great at it.

( I also didn't know what a music producer does until I found out I'd been doing it for years, so maybe I'm an editor too. I doubt it. I'm too emotional)

And she's right- there's a pattern and a reason behind most of it, but it's not something I was aware of- I have this stubborn unwillingness to see the good parts of what I do-it's much better now that I'm not drunk, but I still have this fear that requires a lot of effort to get past.
I'm not alone in that. In her letter, she confided that her 'secret dream' was to record a music CD- she sings, plays and writes - (I never told her I played music) but she had band-type problems and had put the music on hold for a while.

Yeah, I can totally grok that.
That's my story too, you know.

I am very aware of just how much it takes to stand in a small room with people you don't know and sing - it takes some guts to do that, and she has those guts.

Then I read her writing samples.
They were great- but I lack the skills and education to analyze and dissect writing in the way that she can- I can only say that it really clicked with me.
We share some of the same memories.
Hah! Those are vivid images! Funny, scary, touching, yes, yes, yes!

Things are coming together- I've got a band to work for as sound engineer (and perhaps guitar#2 as well, although I may be in over my head in that sense; I've got to try first), the station is doing very well, and I'm starting to see some hope in putting a new band together-I have no idea what it will sound like, which (to me) is the best approach- don't go into a band with the idea that you will sound like so-and-so or such-and-such; just toss out some chords and words and let the players play.

If it works, great.
If not, you'll know. It often doesn't work, but that doesn't imply anything negative about the players- it's a 'chemistry' and attitude thing more often than a talent issue. I should know- I used to have a bad attitude and a lot of bad chemicals and these things almost killed whatever talent I may have.
That's the past. Leave it be, I say.

My point is; I wouldn't have any hope at all, however vague, if I wasn't out there, doing things- trying to get noticed.
Pushing it.
Standing up for myself a little, you know?