Tuesday, July 25, 2006

On Being Wrong

Here, hand me that roll of paper towels. The 'extra-ultra jumbo' roll, please.

Thanks.
Now pass that pen on over here, wouldja?
Much obliged.

I am going to use this pen to write down every mistake I've ever made. I am going to use the 'extra-jumbo' roll as my parchment and I am going to use very small handwriting- otherwise, I may run out of room.
This might take a while.
There's coffee in the kitchen if you need it. I'm on my third cup, and I don't need it.

I could fill the web with all my mistakes- except it would jam all the internet tubes , which would be a big mistake, even by my standards.

Let me explain smaller mistakes instead. Ones I often make.

I sometimes think everyone is out to get me- that there is always some ulterior motive and I'm just being used to someone else's advantage, which is almost never in my best interest.

For much of my life, this was actually true- so I'm not entirely paranoid- but I keep different company these days and I have to keep reminding myself that not everyone wants to rip me off, break my heart or otherwise destroy me.

At a recent gig, the ACB ( site updated!) paid me just for showing up- not much, but there was not much audience and I didn't expect a dime- my job mostly involved turning the PA all the way down and realizing it was still too loud. Not much to do after that. The band had some good new grooves though - working in a new drummer- looking forward to more on that...

Anyway, my point is: they paid me just for making the good faith appearance, even though my services weren't really needed. I didn't expect it or ask for it- they did it because they wanted to.

That is worth far more than the cash I received- a lot more.

----

Did I mention my sexual paranoia?
That's fun stuff to talk about- just never mention it in therapy or they will never let you out.
Telling your therapist that the word 'therapist' is a compound word for " the rapist" is a bad idea. Take my word for it.

It's hard for me to get past the feeling that the only reason women like me is to get to meet my rock star roommates or do all my cocaine- I mean it's been years since those days...you'd think I'd be able to get past that.
Sometimes I can.
More so as time passes.

Tonight I had a really nice dinner with a very pleasant older ( fooled me!) woman who is quite accomplished and intelligent- lots of degrees and things. I was arrogant and stupid enough to think she wanted more than conversation- I was wrong, of course.
I even prepared a little " let's just be friends speech"- thank Godzilla I didn't give it.
I hate that speech- it's haunted me my entire life- it's bad enough hearing it- it can't be any fun to recite..." I really like you, but..."- you know the one.
We've all heard it.

But all we did was have dinner and talk.

Nobody got ripped off or humiliated.
Even the waitress got 20%.

Maybe it's not such a fallen world after all.

1 comment:

em0 said...

YAY ! The dinner solved itself! Gosh. Now I have hope. Maybe life isn't so complicated.