Sober Dates

I recently tried the 'sober date' for the first time.

Don't laugh.
I started drinking early in life, and alcoholics have very different 'dating rituals' than non-drunks, so I am new to the whole thing.

Drunks just find a drinking partner and drink until they sleep together. This can take hours or it can take years, but it always ends with a fight about something utterly stupid.
I can remember one drunken argument, my ex smashed a giant mirror- we started fighting in the stairs of my building, screaming at each other, throwing smashy, glassy bits... much later, on better terms, I asked her what it was we were fighting about that night.

She had no idea. We both thought that was pretty funny, and it was- years later, anyway.

So I haven't been on many proper dates- the kind you have with someone you don't really know- so the 'getting to know you thing' is new to me. I like it.

It's not the big scary deal I thought it would be. I was afraid that the fact that I'm a drunk who quit drinking was going to be a real problem to most women, but after listening to three or four divorce stories and all the problems with those; I can report that I am happily surprised to find that my alcoholism isn't considered to be especially heavy baggage.
It's better than having an ex-wife and kids.
Much better.

I hadn't thought about it like that before.
By the time a woman's done with her second or third marriage , she's seen so much bullshit and bad behavior on the part of men that a mere drinking problem isn't such a big deal- as long as I don't drink I am actually a decent guy. Yay me!

Stupid - I have been convinced that no one would want me because of my lousy past. How foolish - we all have icky parts in our pasts... a good woman (or man) will deal with it! Just gotta move on and be ready to accept them too.
Brave words.
I have yet to do this.
I can write about it though- maybe that's a start.

On my most recent date, I wasn't sure if the drinking thing would come up- she knows, I think- but it didn't. Instead, she told me all the things husband #2 was doing and how #2 and #3 were business partners and are both claiming ownership of property she says she owns, so it's a big court mess...and there's two sets of kids...I dunno...even if I could make sense of it I wouldn't put it here...
Not my affair- I couldn't follow the details- I can't really find anything in my experience to compare it to. It doesn't sound good, though. I doubt there will be a second date , but that's my decision to make.

-I've never been married, I've never had kids, so I don't know what that's like.
(I'd like to , I think, but I'd hate to have a terrible divorce like that)

- I haven't seen a divorce up-close since I was a teenager.
It was my mom and my step-dad. My memories of their divorce are not exactly clear, nor are they pleasant or objective.
I don't think about those days.

I know divorce is not easy. I've seen the damage. It can ruin people.

I think I'm the only one I know in my age group who has never been married- or divorced. Being an ex-drunk is not such a great thing,but at least I'm not divorced.
Hey, I'm a good designated driver AND a great cook who won't pass out and set fire to the kitchen!
These are good 'selling points'- or at least I hope they are. I'm probably wrong.

So I've been worried that I was deemed unlovable because of my past, but that's not it at all. That was just my insecurity and paranoia. I'm OK, just impatient.

My dates have just been nice dinners, nothing serious to mention , really. Just good company when some was needed, but no Big Heart Leap. We both knew there was no 'spark', but no harm done either.
Nice to have someone to talk to, really.
Just talking about trying to get over things.

We all need someone to talk to, even if no romance blooms.
Everyone's recovering from something. It's a hurting world.
All sorts of wounds to heal- there's probably even a recovery group for twelve-step addicts- sheesh...

I thought I was marked Damaged Goods, never to be touched again.
It's a big club, the Damaged club, but there's no shame in it. One day I'll get touched again.
Perhaps I'll be 'touched' by the Damage Club in the same way that a baby seal gets 'touched' by a club, but ya gotta take those chances.

We are all Damaged.
Accept it or don't, but that doesn't change the truth.

So I've got problems. So what?
So do you. We all do.
I don't mind that.
You can learn a lot by listening to someone rationally explain personal problems.
Maybe you can help, maybe not, but you can learn. It can be a warning.
In time, someone may actually take an interest in you and care about what you are doing.
Maybe they can help you, maybe not.
But it's nice when someone cares.
So care.
Be nice.

It's worth a try.

Maybe one day... but that's later.