Whew! I just realized that I've had a three-day panic attack. A few hours ago this wave of exhaustion rolled over me and I took a long nap.
I feel OK now, but looking back, I've been a bit stressed and wasn't admitting (to myself) how bad it was.
I feel helpless about my grandmother's illness, and I just can't help but feel a bit angry because I have to put all my own plans on hold until the inevitable comes to pass- I am sort of "on call"and can't really go very far away or be out of touch for long and it's...I dunno... frustrating? I am ashamed of myself for having such selfish thoughts.
But I have them anyway.
Yesterday , I got really stoned, which usually calms me down and lets me sleep, but it just made me hungry and a bit stupid. Still, it was good to have an appetite again and I giggled a bit, even if my jokes were dumb.
But I couldn't sleep at all.
This afternoon , my cousin had his 18th birthday party- I expected to go and jam a bit with him and his semi-musical school pals ( he's learning- he'll be ok w/ practice) , maybe teach him a few guitar licks- that sort of thing- but I started feeling really twitchy ,unfocused and tired.
Coffee was making it worse.
I said I wasn't well and came home and slept for a while.
I also had to find a substitute for my up coming radio shows , in case I am called away in emergency- cancelling a live broadcast at the last second is not an option, you know.
Now I feel like I have let everyone down.The rational part of me says " don't worry, no big deal, thse are special circumstances" , but I really wanted to jam a little and doing the radio show is one of my favorite things.
I wish I didn't feel this way.
Good news though- it looks as if my Gran may have a bit longer than first thought-I'm hesitant to speculate - but I might still be able to visit the Twin in Chicago, as scheduled, before...well, before. The Twin will be here in a couple days, so we'll figure something out then.
I'm sorry for being so lame. I am a little worried though.
As several friends have pointed out- as long as I don't drink, things will be OK.
Fingers crossed!
3 comments:
While I can't tell you not to feel gulity about your "selfish thoughts," I can tell you that having them is not uncommon.
When things suck, we wish they didn't, period. Sometimes our brains think of the quickest and most permanent solution to immediate uncomfortable-ness. Those solutions are often selfish and disturbing. So? It's human and humans are a disturbing lot, because being human is uncomfortable - often.
I'm thinking that this isn't helping, so I'll stop now.
Liz,
It's OK.
Thoughts aren't perfect and they aren't actions.
Allen,
The no sleep thing must be going around. The storms are gone but sleep and I havent found each other yet. if you ever get onto my space we could "im" each other on those sleepless nights, I'm sure by boring life would put you right out!
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