Driving Tips For Suburbanites

If you are in a vehicle that stalls out while passing through a busy city intersection, here is what you should do:

a) First, apply brakes. Otherwise , your cars' momentum may carry you forward, out of the way of approaching vehicles.
If timed properly, you can block traffic in four directions simply by braking once. Impressive- you nailed it the first time!

b) Call someone on your cell phone. Ignore the mess you are causing all around you. Talk on the phone and try to re-start the car. Panic for no reason. Let everyone around know you are panicking by waving your free hand around crazily and shouting into the cell phone at arm's length. Maybe a mechanic will pass by and help you but you'd do better with a psychiatrist at this point.

c) Eventually, several of the male passengers aboard the bus that you are blocking will disembark and ask if they can help push your vehicle off to the side. Whatever you do, DO NOT roll your window down- not even a crack- in order to hear what the men are saying. Do not put down the cell phone either- you'll need it to call the police- one of the bus passengers is black, you see and he's yelling! Help!

He's yelling, "Ma'am, DO YOU NEED HELP?" , but don't tell the cops that. Make sure that the men offering help know that you have called the police on them. Your gratitude will be duly noted.

d) When the police arrive and the bus driver explains what is happening, make sure you apologize to the police and to the bus driver. Do not apologize to the black man you called the cops on, but make sure to thank the nicely-dressed white guy from the bus for offering exactly the same help as the black guy that you dialed 911 on.

e) When you get back to your gated community you can tell all your neighbors about how dangerous the city is.