Fear of Flying

CI Airlines recently announced a 're-structuring' of it's passenger services, citing recent security alerts, rising costs and plummeting stocks as the driving force behind the sweeping overhaul of it's entire fleet of passenger aircraft, mostly Boeing 737 and 747 models dating from 1980 to the present.

The high-risk 'Coach' class has been reduced in size to accomodate a more inexpensive, security-friendly 'Restraint' section located near the rear of each plane's fuselage. Holders of lower-fare tickets will have all of their belongings confiscated prior to boarding, after which they will be fitted with a protective 'Security Suit' and stacked three or four high on rough-hewn Security Planks- surplus items imported from former Eastern Bloc prisons recently 'modernized' by CI Air's parent company, The Company.
Sturdy Bungee cords and loosely applied Geneva Standards will be used to prevent in-flight 'rollage'.

'Restraint' Class tickets will be sold as 'Steerage' in Europe and Canada


New Security Suit protects airline passengers from terrorists, self, others.

Passengers will be subject to a strict screening before boarding each flight, a delay that one CI Air executive , on condition of anonymity, described as a "really, really long time."

Travelers not meeting rigid racial, political and socio-economic guidelines will be provided with Security Suits and placed in Restraint until their destination is reached and their statements taken, after which they may be released or detained indefinitely without counsel.

The suits are padded, fireproofed and use a modified airbag technology to self-inflate immediately upon oceanic impact, thus doubling as floatation devices. Critics have claimed the suits are potential hazards, lethally crushing the occupant when inflated; a charge that CI Air refuses to comment on, stating that the suits are necessary to prevent terrorists from using Spontaneous Human Combustion to jeopardize airliners and passengers.



Fly Freedom Class and sit upright!


The new, smaller, Coach sections will be re-named " Freedom Class", with passengers retaining the right to sit quietly and read a newspaper of the airline's choice.
Food, drink, cigarettes , cosmetics, liquids, medicines, paper products, electronic devices and clothing with a polyester content exceeding 40% will be prohibited in the new Freedom Class; toilet facilities and emergency medical treatment may be available on longer domestic and most international flights.

The toilets will be portable and mounted on casters so that they may be pushed down the aisle to the flier 'in need'. Despite a predictiable outcry from "privacy activists", CI Air maintains that supervised excretory functions are needed in order to prevent terrorists from using urine, feces and other secretions to create potentially devastating biological weapons.


Minimum-wage worker places collection cartridge in portable aisleway toilet

The largest portion of each aircraft will be converted into huge "Sky Resorts", with artificial beaches, full service restaurants , casinos, discos, substance abuse clinics and prudently insured daycare centers.
These tickets, to be marketed as "Patriot Class", will only be available to the 1/10th of 1% 0f the world's population that controls 90% of the world's wealth.


Unfettered fun and artificial sun when you fly Patriot Class!