My Personal Ads and What Happened

Some months ago, in a horrible moment of utter isolation and desperate loneliness, I signed up for a free trial with a pair of internet dating services.

Please don't laugh. I've been alone for a long time and it's going to kill me, in spirit, if not body, if I don't find a way to meet someone.
This isn't funny. Loneliness is deadly, no doubt about it- and please, spare me the 'just get out there and meet someone speech"- I try and try, but I can't meet anyone (unattached) who likes me 'that way'- so I decided to take a chance- the first 30 days were free, after all...and the debit card I used was expiring soon anyway, so what's the risk?

The services had catchy names like 'E-Harming Me' and 'Lies.com' and they promised that I would certainly find that special someone with little or no problem, so long as I answered the questions honestly.
I did so.
I really did.

After a few hours of answering questionnaires, I was presented with some discouraging results.
Both services indicated that I was a match for a statistically insignificant number of their "six million happy clients", that the odds of me meeting someone with a "highly compatible" profile were next to zero.
Among the criteria I listed as desirable were:
- female, age 30-45 and within 45 miles of my zipcode;
- race /hair/eye color unimportant, any;
- some college preferred;
-body type desired: normal to 'a few extra pounds' ;
- income/profession : not important, any;
-religion: atheist, agnostic, any;
-politics: leftist, moderate;
-sexuality: straight, monogamous, but uninhibited; ( one question asked if I enjoyed oral sex. What a dumb question, I thought...who doesn't? Many people, it turns out... but I don't wanna date any of them.)
-interested in music, art, books, history, cooking , travel, politics and conversation...
- no drinking, but smoking cigs and mild drug use (pot only) is ok...

What's so odd about any of this? I know lots of women who meet these broad requirements, none of whom are are single, but hey, plenty of fish in the sea, ya know...

After a few days, I started getting messages from middle-age BBWs in LA, twenty-year-old students in far-away states- young things with names like Candi 018 and Sexiblueyes6969, and some mails from quite a few nice-seeming women who prefaced every statement with an assertion of their devotion to Jesus and who were looking for a spiritual soul-mate to study Scripture with. They didn't mention enjoying cunnilingus.
Obviously, none of them had read my profile, the system just randomly sent me spam so it would seem that the whole enterprise wasn't total bullshit. (It is)

My trial periods ended without so much as a single one-on-one email exchange. I sent quite a few 'winks' and letters, no replies ever came back.

Not one.

Cancel me, I informed the services.

"Don't give up", they exhorted . "We'll give you another 30 days free- here, read some testimonials"- the testimonials were from 'happy' people who'd been using the services for months, even years.

I thought that was odd, telling even.

If the service was supposed to find one a long-term lover, why would you stay enrolled for years? I wasn't looking for a floozy binge, I was looking for a girlfriend- I can fail in romance for free, with no outside help , so why should I purchase an annual membership with a service that somehow thought I'd be perfect for a 320-pound, 55 year old divorcee in Flint, Michigan?

Has anyone else tried these services? I mean anyone who is willing to admit it?

I noticed that almost all the women wanted men 6' ft tall or higher- is that the problem? I'm not tall but I'm not a midget or a 'pencil'. I'm not ugly or fat, and I'm actually pretty funny, in a laughter sense. I'm not rich, but I always have a job- but I was always clicking the income boxes near the bottom- hey, I'm single and don't need a lot of money. I can make more if I have to, but I just am not driven by money- I wanted a friend and lover, not a gold-digger. Someone to laugh and cry with- and have lots of great sex too...

I didn't realize that this made me a complete freak, unsuitable for any sort of healthy relationship, but it does- I thought.

That's not true. There are women out there that would be happy with me , and i with them. They just don't use "E-Harming Me.com" to find mates, which makes them smarter than me.
I'm OK with that.
I am picky when it comes to smarts.
Me like smart women.

Damn, I'll be forty and I've never even been engaged.

Then again, I've never been divorced , so there's a zinc-plated lining to every cloud, I suppose.

Did I mention that I'm a great cook? That used to work wonders for me, but I have no one to cook for these days.

On the positive side, I rarely get my dishes dirty any more.