Where Were You?

September 11, 2000- 3AM: I'm waiting for the County Police to let my girlfriend out of jail. She never came home that night- I was on probation and couldn't drink much or do any drugs- urine tests, you see, so I stayed home - but that didn't stop her from going out without me and getting busted for drugs and drunk driving.
At her house we had a terrible row. I'm told that I'm no fun when I don't drink. I point out that getting busted isn't fun, so could she please shut up and go to sleep? My mood isn't helped by having to raise bail money for her, which I think she used to buy cocaine ...I never saw that money again.
We broke up a few days later- on my 34th birthday. I got drunk alone and hoped I didn't get called in for a urine test the next day. I didn't.

September 11, 2001:






Sept. 11 ,2002 -? : In 2002 I was still drunk from 2001, plus I had a lot of Oxycontin left over from surgery... I don't remember much else- I didn't go anywhere or do anything.
2002 was a really bad year for me.
I have nothing to show for 2002. That year never happened.

Sept. 11, 2003- 1 AM: I am out of work , nearly out of money and out of beer. I walk to a nearby pub where I can run a tab. There's a woman there. She asks me how I'm doing.
I tell her I'm broke, have no job, no hope and am only here because it's nearly last call and I really need another drink before they close.
This relationship lasts exactly a week. 2003 was the last year that I got so much as a kiss on my birthday.


Sept. 11, 2004 -All Day: I don't know what I did that day. I don't remember most of 2004- by this time I'd started blogging, but my posts from that time are almost incoherent, and those posts are pretty much all I have to go on in lieu of memory... I was drinking a lot and not very happy, I remember that much. How did I manage to be so unhappy for so long? I wish I could say I've no regrets, but that would be a lie. I have lots of regrets.

Sept. 11, 2005- All Day: All that drinking finally caught up with me. A few nights ago I started vomiting blood.
Lots and lots of blood.
Enough blood to paint my bathroom walls black. Not red- black.
I barely made it to the ER- here is an example of just how fucked-up my thinking had become:
- I live across the street from a hospital. (I'm looking at it right now) After a few hours of bloody emesis, I decided that I'd better get help or I was going to die. I know that the hospital across the street is fives times as expensive as one several miles away, so I chose to drive there instead of walking across the street. The few extra minutes might've killed me , but I got lucky and they didn't. I was a mess.

I had several emergency transfusions and three endoscopies.
I had a seizure on the operating table and almost died, but by Sept. 11th I was off of life-support and only a day or so from being sent home. I was in for five days but it seemed forever.
(I got out the following afternoon)

I haven't had a drop of alcohol since then. Has it really been only a year?
There's a huge feeling of distance between then and now.
Sometimes I feel as if I am only one year old.

Today: One day of work, tonight I'll pack. Tomorrow I'll be in Chicago.