"BREAKING" NEWS: A not-so rigorous Hungarian study claims that cell phone usage results in lower human sperm counts and reduced zygote motility.
Funny, this British study from last summer says the same thing.
Actually, male fertility has been declining for decades- Monty Python moment....
and it hasn't exactly caused a people shortage.
So I don't know if their conclusions are valid, and I really don't care- I don't have a cell phone , nor do I have an urgent need to biologically reproduce, but I have noticed one thing:
Cell Phones make men stupid.
How's that?
I dunno. Maybe they kill brain cells or promote tumors or something...
No, no...I mean how do you know cells make men stupid?
By observation.
I was grocery shopping yesterday and I wanted yogurt. I knew exactly what varieties I wanted and what quantities I wanted them in.
I didn't have a list- for me, the purchasing of dairy products is pretty simple, so I never write instructions to myself- what would I say?
A) Check expiration date.
B) Place in cart.
For this I need help?
Some people do.
The guy in front of me is blocking my access to the yogurt.
Despite his expensive suit, I am obviously much smarter than him, as he cannot make a simple yogurt purchase without staring at a piece of paper, mumbling, staring, mumble...
Wouldja fuckin' move already? I want my yogurt and I want it now!
The Dick-in-a-Suit finally admits defeat. Shopping is too much for him. Out comes the cell phone. He calls for help.
"Honey? Should I get the blended or 'fruit-on-the-bottom' yogurt?"
He then starts to list every goddamn flavor on the shelf..."Peach, Strawberry, Strawberry with Banana..."
I don't think he goes to the grocer very often...he seems confused- who knew there were so many choices? He probably thinks the refrigerator at home stocks itself ala the food machines on Star Trek.
Fuck. I hope that cell phone makes it impossible for him to reproduce, as he is clearly on the bottom rung of Darwin's ladder.
Who would breed with such a weak-minded fellow? What sort of needy, useless fruit might their united loins bear?
Thing is, he's physiologically very similar to me, yet I am capable of making unassisted trips to the market and he is not.
What makes this so?
His cell phone. It's usage is reflexive for him- you can tell by the way he whips it out.
It's second nature- where many people would simply compare prices, flavors and whatnot, this guy just shuts down cognition and reaches for the cell phone.
It's a habit for him and it's making his brain smaller.
I don't know what the phone is doing to his gonads, but I do know that it really doesn't take a lot of balls to buy yogurt and he apparantly lacks even that much.
His dependence on his cell phone is probably indicative of a generally indecisive nature.
It's very common nowadays, this reflexive, externally dependent indecision.
It's why we have so many consultants.
(Hmm... I hadn't considered this:Perhaps his home life is so tenuous that simply bringing home the wrong yogurt would spark an argument or even a divorce and the poor slob is just trapped. It happens. Thanks for pointing that out...now would you stop reading over my shoulder while I fix my 'typos'? Ok, I'll change the title too...geez. Everyone's a flippin' critic.)
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Blended or Fruit on the Bottom (F.O.B.)?
What a dumbfuck question.
Always , always, choose F.O.B.
Why?
Read the ingredient and nutrition labels- you will find that FOB has approx. 20-40 fewer calories per serving than it's blended counterpart- if you read the ingredients you will see why.
The blended 'gurts -especially those god-awful 'custard' abominations- contain more sugar and more carbohydrates than the FOB type.
They also contain less fruit, usually just some puree and/or beet extract for color, whereas the FOB offers a modicum of actual fruit.
The extra carbs come in the form of modified corn starch (this makes the blended 'gurt 'creamy') and your body will immediately convert that starch into fat and store it wherever you least want it to go. Depending on the brand, you will probably also see high-fructose corn syrup in the blended 'gurts, but not in the FOB.
Avoid HFCS like the plague. It fucks up your body's insulin production and will eventually give you type 2 diabetes.
That is no joke.
Really, it's best to buy it plain and add your own fruit, but who has the time for that?
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Hey, did you know that eating yogurt is an act of cultural genocide?
It's true.
There's a thousand tiny murders in every bite. Yummy!
Related beer note: That buzz you're getting? It's the death-piss of a million slaughtered yeast.
11 comments:
i like my way better..i get the very large container of non-fat yogurt..and buy the fruit i want..go home take a cup add sweet and low and chop up the fruit..stir and tada...my own kind of yogurt...make lots of yogurts for a lot cheaper...plus if i get really domestic, i get milk one container of plain yogurt and mix it up and stick in the oven with pilot light on and next time i look..i have home made yogurt..and no phone calls were involved..if i was married to a man who needed to call me from the store to see what yogurt to buy i would have to bip the shit out of him..
awesome!
yeah,the fruit thing is better- never tried the oven way.
I was just updating this to reflect something I missed- for which I have been bipped- but not so bipped that I am shitless.
Thanks, FF! That's a great comment, btw- I especially liked all the parts about squeezing ripe melons and cleavage!
*grin icon*
I wish a nice girl would take notice of my manly shopping prowess and hit on ME.
She could pick out the food and I could cook it for her...damn- my fantasies have become really, truly dull...
Dinner and conversation? I'm pathetic.
*sigh*
"Fuck. I hope that cell phone makes it impossible for him to reproduce, as he is clearly on the bottom rung of Darwin's ladder."..LMFAO!
I'm like a shopper Nazi.I know what I want when I go in,and blitzkrieg the aisles until my insatiable lust for pina-colada-fruit-at-the-bottom yogurt is satisfied!...or whatever..
I WANT MY FUCKING FALL BREAK, AND I WANT IT NOW!
I realize it would've been time consuming, but think of all the fun you could've had following him through the store and watching him stress out and call his wife before every item on the list. "Yeah, it's me again... I'm in the bread aisle... and you're not gonna believe this, but..."
heheheheheheeeheee!!
Umberto Eco wrote a wonderful little bit about cell phones in "How to Travel with Salmon" called "How not to use a cell phone." At least I think that's what it's called. If you haven't read that book yet, you should.
As a side note, try as I might to obey the grocery shopping rules, Craig renders it impossible. I may not always know what ice cream I want. But I try to stay out of the way while I check to see if Edy's is selling the Girl Scout Cookie brand that month. More often than not, while I'm searching I get knocked on the noggin with an oversized bouncy ball that Craig has found. He giggles, as the ball proceeds to bounce off my head and usually into the heads of other hapless shoppers. He's actually gotten an entire aisle of GROWN people to play "Don't let the ball touch the ground" while I stared furiously at the ice cream. Hooligans.
I wish Craig shopped at my store. My grocery is no fun.
I don't know for sure obviously, but if I had to place money, I would agree with whoever is looking over your shoulder. The wife is the problem, not his ability to buy yogurt. I've seen this a lot. Married men don't tend to do the grocery shopping, so if the wife asks him to pick something up on the way home from work, he's probably learned from experience that if he chooses the wrong one, there's going to be a fuss. So rather than guess and get beat up for it rather than thanked for stopping at the store at all, he'd rather call and be sure so all is well. Bachelors or men who do the cooking, they just bop in and out like regular shoppers.
Susanne- I think you are right. I had to add that bit after it was pointed out by a woman- she also noted that any relationship that was endangered over yogurt probably had some real problems.
Then we had a fight about beer and broke up.
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