Dawn

Yesterday I awoke at 5:30 am in order to be ready for my weekly radio show- still not sure what I'm going to call it, but I'm on-air every Sunday from 7am- 9am

Today I also awoke at 5:30 , this time so I could attend a State-mandated OSHA safety class for my new job. The 'class' was at 6:30 am and was only a few blocks from my current job, so I was in the office two hours early , which is cool, because I need to leave early and go buy a car.

If I was still drinking, I couldn't have done any of this stuff-
If I was drinking there would be no radio show- can you believe I actually turned down the chance to have a show because I KNEW I couldn't stay sober long enough to do it?

I never would have been able to save enough to buy a car and start paying off some long-term debt.

I never would have gotten the new job- most employers won't hire you if you show up to an interview with beer sweat and the shakes!

Most importantly, I never would have learned to accept myself as a person- sometimes I actually LIKE me. Sure, I still do plenty of dumb shit, but I no longer agonize over every minute detail- I just do the best I can and it usually works out.

Somethings don't work the way I'd hoped, but that's OK. I am learning new things every day and that is something to be happy about.

So:
- A new job. A new career, really. Even the lowest-level entry position in my new field is better than anything I'll ever get at THIS office, so I'm excited.
I'm also scared half-to-death at the change.
What if I suck and can't do the work?
I'll try not to let that happen.

- A new used car. If I can get the price I want , I will finally have a car that doesn't embarass me. Something I could pick up a date in without apologizing...I just turned 40 and I have never owned a 'respectable' looking car- I usually buy a 'mechanic's special' and run it until it literally falls apart.

- A new outlook. I am a man and I'm determined to act like one. I am doing this for no one's benefit but my own- but if I can help you I will. I won't die for you, but I will listen to you.
I won't drink with you but if you want, I will be with you.
No judgement, no expectations, no obligations- if you want me,I am here for you, but do not make me the reason you quit.
It's not fair to me to do that. I don't have the power to save you and I don't have the desire to destroy you.

Only you can do those things. You can lean on me, but I cannot carry you.

Don't quit for me. Quit for yourself.

When you are ready, I will be here.
And yeah, I'm scared too.