In Memory Of

There was a period of years when I only dated women named Kathy. The similarities between the Kathies ended at the name; two were uberpsychos of staggeringly different natures but the third was far better to me than I deserved. She told me the truth.
I was too busy lying to myself to notice, but she told me what I needed to hear.
She told me the truth and then she went away.

This was over ten years ago, but I only now realize that she must have really loved me.

She told me that I wasn't happy with our relationship, and that she didn't understand why she wasn't enough for me...what was wrong with her that made me so unhappy?

I thought she was accusing me of cheating and I couldn't figure out why. I thought I was happy, I thought Kathy was too.

She wasn't talking about cheating though. What she didn't understand is why I had to be drunk every single night- why I never came over sober.

This is what she said: "I must be horrible if you have to get drunk just to be with me."

That statement should have stopped my drinking on the spot, but it didn't.

She blamed my drunkenness on herself, but it wasn't like that at all. Kathy wasn't the problem- she's an amazing woman and I know she's done well since we parted- the problem was, Kathy had never dated an alcoholic.
She didn't know that I drank merely because that is what drunks do- it had nothing at all to do with her.
To her, it was her fault, there was something she wasn't doing right.
Her only mistake was dating an alcoholic.

Now I understand how she felt and it breaks my heart, but I guess I deserve it after being such a shit back then. Karma, you know.

So I can't let you in. I don't know if you are drunk all the time or if you have to get liquored up just to see me, but I do know that I can't be with a drinker.
You should know that.
I have told you why I don't drink anymore - the surgeries, transfusions and seizures- and you still have to drink around me.

My first thought was "it's my fault", maybe I'm boring or stupid or I suck in bed, but it's not like that.
From your point of view, everything seems fine.
I know because I've been there.
But it's not fine.

I have to remember what Kathy said, and how she must have felt when she said it. I'm ashamed that I made someone I cared about feel so badly, but hey!-
here comes the Karma bulldozer to even the score, level the field.

So you can't come in. I can't explain it to you when you are drunk, and I never see you without vodka on your breath- let me mention whoever says vodka is 'odorless' must consider the aroma of road-baked skunks to be 'mild'. Maybe it fools some people, but I know better- as I said, I have been there.

If you are in here, it's only a matter of time until I start drinking with you, because that is what you need.
You need a drinking lover.
It's only a matter of time until I fill that role.
So you can't come in.

I don't love you enough to kill myself over you and when you offer me a beer you might as well be offering me a six-shooter with five empty chambers.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Eventually the hammer is coming down and it's coming down hard.
If (click)
I (click)
Let (click)
You (click)
In (click)
*Blam!*

See, there's something that I fear more than loneliness.
Death scares the hell out of me.
I'm a lot more afraid of Death than I am of living alone, and those are the choices you have offered me.