Jackal Lantern

I doubt if I'll ever be able to afford to live in a neighborhood that's affluent enough to support the custom of "Trick or Treating". That sucks for me, but it's good news for the costumed beggars who might otherwise receive such treats as:

-Individually-Wrapped Potato Chip


After spending the whole day wrapping chips I'm in a pretty shitty mood; so try not to look so goddamned disappointed with your fucking Pringle already.


-Scoop of Ice Cream


You're in luck here. Sorta. Good news: I'm partial to yummy, expensive ice cream and I don't mind sharin'! Bad news: I only have one bowl and one spoon, and they only get washed on an "as-needed" basis, so I'll just plop a scoop on a napkin and drop it in the ol' bag. Hurry home before it melts!

-A Curmudgeonly Lecture About the Old Days


When I was your age we had "real" Halloween costumes, not this cheap-ass Wal-Mart crap- what are you dressed as anyway? one of those movie tie-in toys that comes with a fast-food meal? The junk you kids eat, tsk... back in my day, we used to get candy apples and rum toddies.
Tell your parents to spend more time on your costume and to feed you better.
On second thought, don't bother. They don't love you anyway.

-B-B-BATS CANDY



I miss a few things from childhood, such as CherryBombs , Lawn Darts and loosely-enforced truancy laws, but I don't miss these nasty tooth-killing fuckers. Much like Cherry Bombs and "real" bottle-rockets , these sorry suckers are still manufactured and given to children, but shouldn't be . No one in their right mind would want one-I especially remember the yellow ones. No one would trade for them. They tasted like the local Dow plant used to smell, at least the way it did before the EPA shut it down.

B-B-Bats Facts:
-Bbbats were used in WWI by soldiers(and civilians) on both sides to extract gold fillings from corpse's teeth Working in teams of two, one ghoul would open the corpse's mouth and the second would insert a bbbBat. They'd clamp the jaws together real hard and pull out the bbbBat and all the poor bastard's fillings along with it.
This also works on the living.

-One of the first Federal RICO cases involved allegations of collusion between the American Dental Association and the Candy Lobby to create a product that countered the then- rapid spread of fluoridated water and basic dental hygiene.

-Bbbats were once the State Candy of the former Czech Republic.

-Bbbats once sold a Bacon-flavored candy. Rumour has it that a batch of grease and lard was used in lieu of the traditional vegetable shortening due to war-time (WWII) food shortages.
A second batch was never released.

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2006 update: Somebody seems to have organized a safe Halloween thing this year- lots of kids, haunted houses etc- all organized with adults- even a TV news van. I'm not in the 'parent loop', but hats off to whomever organized it!