My two brothers and I are adopted. My oldest son is adopted. My younger son is not adopted.
I’ve met quite a few families where some of the children are adopted and some aren’t. Of course I’ve also met families where all the children are adopted or none are. It is interesting when you talk to people how their beliefs on adoption can come through. Have you ever heard the term “real children” or an expectation that birthed children are more loved than adopted children or that one will “settle for adopted children”? I have. It’s usually followed by “I didn’t mean it that way” when you confront someone on it.
What’s hardest for me is when I hear an adoptive parent talking that way. Do they not think their child(ren) will pick up on it and what it means?
To me, adoption is both natural and a blessing. A child is in need of love and nurturing, and an adult wants to love and nurture a child. You don’t see animals in nature treating adopted young differently, only us “higher intelligence” species are capable of that. Why anyone would look at adoption negatively and as a last resort and other such nonsense is beyond me. And why anyone would try to stop or hinder loving adoptive parents from adopting, as in the case of homosexual parents, is also beyond me. In an age when so many children don’t have one or more parents, yeah, let’s try to keep some more children from having families.
My husband once made a comment to someone who was questioning how much you could love an adopted child. He asked this woman if she loved her husband. She exclaimed emphatically that she did. He pointed out to her that her husband was not blood-related to her, and yet she loved him with all her heart.
My husband has lots of blood relations in his immediate family that are less “family” than our friends. Blood doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s all about loving and caring for those in your lives. The reality is we’re all adopted by someone in our lives and the love is all that matters.
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ALLAN ADDS: Susanne has done an excellent post , and I know a few specific blogpals who will immediately see the truth in her words.
I myself had two unofficial Foster Families during my childhood, one black Baptist and one Orthodox Jewish. When my family was unable to take care of me, they took me in because I was friends with their children and treated me just like their own, no questions asked.. From my perspective, it was really nice having a stable, functional family - it wasn't until much later that I realized how wonderfully lucky I was to have friends with such loving parents.
All my foster parents have passed now, and I've largely lost touch with my friends, but I will always thank them for making me feel safe, loved and most importantly, wanted.
7 comments:
the fact some people still use the term "real children" vs "adopted children" just reinforces what a primitive race we humans are. war, poverty, prejudice...
we have a long way to go.
I became pregnant when I was eighteen and in an abusive relationship. I placed my son for adoption, largely because I couldn't promise him food, shelter, and that he wouldn't get beaten if he stayed with me.
I received a letter from his family telling me about when they brought him home to meet the family. His four year old cousin (who is also adopted) had this to say when she learned he was adopted: "My mommy adopted my daddy when they got married and my mommy and daddy adopted me and I adopted my duck and my turtle. Adopted means we love each other enough to be family."
As his birth mother, this still makes me cry with joy when I hear it. I know that my son will be surrounded by love and never wonder if he is loved less than the biological child in his family.
FF- You have the right idea re: family. Hope Blooger lets you post soon- it's been acting up lately.
Ruby- I agree with you, but , um...don't hate me for saying this...you're a dog. Dogs, like most mammals, are pretty cool with the whole adoption thing.
Lyz- I'm glad you read this post. I thought of you when I first read it.
FF - glad you found a wonderful sister - what a blessing. and someday you will have the blessing of children in your life like me.
RR - i know, it pains me to still hear that term especially when I consider how many people i have met in my lifetime who are adopted. it's a slur imho.
L - that is a great quote! it must give you much happiness knowing your child was adopted into such a loving and aware family. is it an open adoption where you are given pics etc or closed?
S- It's a semi-open adoption. I haven't received pictures or letters for a couple of years. They are extremely busy and a lot has changed in their lives since my son was itty bitty. (He's seven now.)
I like the letters and pictures, but visiting, like some open adoptions allow, would be too difficult to me. Not to mention that I think it could be difficult for him while he's developing his sense of identity.
I would like to meet him when he's 18+, and his parents know that, so I imagine if he wants to meet me then it will be easy to arrange.
Anyway, now I'm rambling...
i agree, some of my friends are more family to me than my 'real' family..blood relatives are only good for transfusions.
Yeah I would think the meeting at this time would be difficult.
When I went to Korea to adopt our oldest son, my mom said she had planned to try to find my birth mother while we were there. When I was adopted, it wasn't through an agency. I do not wish to meet my birth mother ever, but most adoptees I know do. Anyway, I told her I didn't want to and she seemed surprised. I have the birth parent info for my oldest son so that if he ever chooses to track them down, he can. I don't plan to encourage or discourage him on the topic, it really is his own choice.
blood transfusions - lmfao YG.
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