Look, I'm sorry if you thought I had killed myself.
Most of you will be relieved to know that I am fine, some of you might be disappointed -in either case I'm sorry.
What happened is:
-I wrote a long series of really depressing essays in response to some hard questions. It sent me on a sort of emotional snipe hunt, looking for non-existent problems that I was assured were there. Sometimes we look too hard for meanings and we find mistakes instead, make mistakes too.
-The person I wrote these essays for got bored with me before I published them, so I took them down from the blog, as well as some widgets I had put there for that person. There wasn't much left after that but the Dove but I thought it looked nice that way, plus I really didn't have anything nice to say...I go entire days without comments, so I figured I'd just fix it later when I had something a little more upbeat to share. Maybe a new pic or something.
- If you read my no-longer deleted posts , you'll see that I said I didn't plan on suicide, that I had a hard time talking about it in real life because the first thing people think is "hide the guns", even though I don't consider doing it, I do know about it. I mean, yesterday I was blogging about how much I was looking forward to my weekly radio show- if you listen to my show, you will know I am not a suicide- I love what I do and you can hear it when I am on-air.
I make up a lot of silly BS (google Whalanol) here, but I love my radio station and they count on me. I couldn't fix my blog because it was 6 am and I had to be on air. Call the station if you don't believe me, as the commenter on my recent radio post seems to scoff. I really do love doing my show- why should I have to prove that?
- I've already apologized personally to one blogger and my apology was rejected. That's too bad, but there's nothing else I can do. I'm not a mad villain plotting ways to make people cry, I'm just a person who's trying to work some very difficult things out and sometimes it comes out wrong- so I deleted the words- and the deletion came out wrong.
Everything I do comes out wrong but I am not suicidal about it. If I was I'd be Kurt Cobain and I'm not Kurt Cobain.
I'm sorry, I'm confused and hurt , but I'm not an evil person.
I want things to be better and I try as hard as I can not to fall into the old traps and sometimes I goof up, but please...I have a lot going on, if my blog goes away, it'll come back eventually. If you are concerned I am right here at camelsback@msn.com , please, if what I write upsets you write to ME , not to someone I barely know, and ask ME what's up.
Or stop reading it if it's that painful.
I'll miss you, but it's better than hurting you.
4 comments:
Well I read the post below and I didn't take it that you were killing yourself. You say below that it wouldn't be your choice. Like my comment for that post, I wonder how many have considered suicide. Consideration does not mean one will do it. And as a former paramedic, I responded to a number of attempted suicides where it was clear the intent was not really to harm oneself, but to ask for help, be recognized as a human being on this planet. I thought your post was good and didn't imply at all that you were committing suicide. If anyone thinks so, perhaps they should read the post again as I believe they may have misinterpreted.
And I guess I would add this: if you've been reading Allan's posts for the last year, you should know the road Allan has chosen for himself and should be happy for him, not worried that he will be committing suicide. If you are living a worry-free life and are searching for something to worry about, I have a number of charity organizations I can point you to that do need someone to worry about things. Did I say that? =) Anyway, think of it this way - if someone works insanely hard to transform themselves and you accuse them of things as if they've never changed at all, then you should examine what your motives and beliefs are. Because it is a total effin downer to have someone not see you and what you've done - which is why people feel isolated and invisible in the first place. Don't be judgmental, grow...
Thank you Susanne. You are a real friend.
Those cinnamon stck things- microwvae 10 seconds, and hot diggity. Tummyache but worth it!
Below is one of my favorite quotes, I posted it on my blog once.
"The thought of suicide is a powerful solace,
By means of it, many endured a dark night."
-Nietzsche (very rough translation)
I posted it in German because my blog is for me and I was not interested in the "are you okay" responses. I was interested in documenting, for myself, that once again I had survived a very dark night... as a reminder for future dark nights.
A blog may be a 'public journal' but that doesn't mean it's written for the public. I use mine to work things out in my brain - or just ramble on about nothing - or maybe even ignore for months at a time.
Allan, I'm going to try and respond to your email later. I know it's been awhile and I am not winning any awards for keeping in touch. But I wanted to respond on your blog that I know you would never commit suicide... because I would cross-over temporarily to kick your ass and you know it and you are afraid of my wrath.
Sincere Love and Respect,
Liz
Great quote and comments Liz.
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