Queer or Preachy? You Decide

A lot has changed for me over the last year- for example, I have lost 30 pounds and almost always wear clean clothes when leaving the house...being so good-looking and well-groomed, it was only a matter of time before one or more gay acquaintances hit on me.
Sure enough, it happened-more than a couple times...but I wasn't offended or upset, in fact I took it as a good sign; perhaps I no longer looked like a sick, bloated alcoholic with less than a week to live.

"No thanks, I'm straight", is all I had to say. There was no pressure or weird vibe after that.

That's pretty much my experience with 'normal' Christians: Thanks, but no thanks, and they are fine with that.

My encounters with Preachies, Thumpers and Born Againners have not always been so easily resolved...I used to work in a Federal office that was at least 50% "Born Again"...mostly with backgrounds of alcoholism, crime or other bad behavior-which was pretty much my lifestyle at that time.

My boss, an enormous black man named Grey, would put his loggish arm around my shoulders and ask me if I had found Jesus...he'd leave tracts about "sobriety through salvation" , " happiness and accepting Jesus" etc on my desk...all of this was in violation of EEOC regs, but Grey was clueless, incompetent and lazy; most importantly, he was easy to lie to and easier to fool- in short he was the perfect boss- the last thing I was gonna do was report him. He might be replaced with someone who knew their job.

One day, Grey pinned me down in front of a large group of Office Thumpers- he was loudly congratulating me for some minor bureaucratic miracle when he slips in the J-bomb, his massive limb on my shoulder:
"...Allan is going to accept the lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior..."

Holy fucking nailholes! You could have warned me- even asked me!

In a moment of panic, I blurted out that I was Jewish, which I'm not.

Grey let go of me.

Silence.

I still use the Jew Defense on the rare occasions when someone is forcing Bibles down my throat.
It works. It's like a spiritual bug spray... Preachie Be-Gone!
They might hate you because they think you are Jewish, but they won't be able to say so in
public without being labelled anti-semites.

This sort of defense doesn't work so well with women. If an unattractive woman hits on you and you lie and tell her that you are gay, she will want to be your friend and you will eventually wind up sleeping with her...it'll be awkward. In bed, she will know that you are straight and you've been lying-ouch.

One last observation: Isn't it odd how some people can claim that Hitler's Holocaust was a fabrication, a hoax- despite all the physical evidence to the contrary- yet they believe that the Bible is the verbatim, scientifically accurate, uncorrupted word o' God?