It doesn't look like things went very well during my two-month absence from work. I started last Weds and was told that HR Guy was coming down from HQ on Friday to give us a training session on "Professionalism in the Workplace". New Guy, who was the main beneficiary of this inane exercise, didn't even show up to work that Friday, which sort of explains why we were having the meeting in the first place.
The boss and I were given new handbooks explaining the new uniforms we are required to wear.
Uniforms? What the fuck? I read a bit of the booklet.
"We are Records Management. Document Services wears uniforms. We don't."
"Right. Well, here are some guidelines about dressing on the job."
I skim the documents...the word "camouflage" catches my eye- there's nearly an entire page under this heading.
How strange. I would think that wearing camouflage clothing to work would simply be prohibited, it's a Law Firm, not a Sporting Goods shop... but there's quite a bit of detail here...hmmmm:
-Loose, puffy sleeves can have a 'slimming' effect , as can certain darker colors...avoid bold patterns and tight or clingy garments...
Huh? This is a "how-to guide" for women to "camouflage" a few extra pounds! I wonder how women who receive this booklet feel- they should be insulted; regardless of weight, the whole idea of instructing ladies to "camo" their bodies seems extremely sexist to me- who are they supposed to be hiding the flab from anyway? For whose benefit?
Then we watch a grainy 1990's VHS tape about how to shake hands firmly and make eye contact when speaking to others.
Remember: You only get one chance to make a first impression!
(I have hated that platitude since the very first time I heard it)
Did you know that mumbling, twisting your hair and staring at the floor can lead people to have an unfavorable opinion of your professional competence?
That's what the video tells us.
It's important to look attentive even when you don't give a shit.
After the vid, HR Guy asks us to discuss the video. There are three of us in the room. At 40, I'm the youngest by several years.
I push the various papers aside.
"Look, we are a bunch of old men. We already know how to dress for work. Even when I was a kid I knew how to dress for work. If you give me a wimpy handshake I will immediately dislike you and if you twirl your hair into your mouth I'll think you're stupid and I don't need to watch a video to reinforce those prejudices. All I need is a wimpy handshake or some hair twirling."
HR Guy is smiling. He's visibly relieved to hear my speech. Our lesson is concluded.
We spend an hour talking about football and women and what to do with kids these days, tsk, and then it's time for lunch and hell, might as well knock off early, it being Friday and all.
6 comments:
"It's important to look attentive even when you don't give a shit."
*looks up from the Playgirl site*
I'm sorry what did you say?
I have a firm strong handshake, would never twist my hair and look at the floor...I look you right in the eye and usually say something offensive and take a quick peek at your crotch...never wear camo...and I don't give a shit either..
can I get a job there?
Ou I used to haaate that "Oh if we do it in group form we can't be accused of singling anyone out" correctness crap. Although I did giggle that the dude didn't even turn up for it.
I never minded wearing a work uniform, sure saved on that oh what am I gunna wear to work bullshit.
Then again camo gear maybe isn't such a strange thing to wear, you did say it was a Law Firm.
Heh I can see one skinny bitch whispering to another skinny biiitch, "You knoooow, she wears the loose, puffy sleeves, like allll the time", then they both give a smirk.
I do really good with that attentive look. It’s called sleeping with mah eye’s open with an occasional facial twitch. The twitch makes them think you actually ARE taking it all in.
Ohhh heh, onya Allan. Only takes one to voice their true opinion and look what the benefit of it was. Nicely done.
you are too honest to work in a law firm.
huh?
You are hired. No pay, but no work either.
Twitching is an art.
It's the same BS as any office.
Sounds like our orientation but we wear spandex and flip-flops..
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