I Nearly Married a Machine

This is my Trashcan 38. It's a reel-to-reel multi-track recorder. For many years I recorded bands with it but eventually it became more expensive to maintain than it was worth.

So I pretty much gave up on recording music and decided to concentrate on drinking instead.

My tape deck languished in the basement for a few weeks or months while I pursued my new hobby.
It wasn't long before I started dating this girl named, er, um...Lily...she weighed about ninety pounds with a bellyful of margaritas but could match me drink for drink, all night long. We had drinking contests almost every night and she could hold her own.

Well, not always. Lily was a student and I had a straight job, so she usually had a few hours head start on me when it came to catching a buzz, so there were a few nights when I wound up carrying her skinny ass home from whatever bar or party we'd been mooching booze at.
I didn't really mind doing that- after all, I am a gentleman , if nothing else; but it did start to hurt my back after the third or fourth such incident.

So I had an idea.
Usually my problems begin when I start having ideas and this time was no exception.
See, I figured I'd put that tape deck to use- it had a helluva motor inside and was a lot smarter than some of the people I recorded with it, so I thought maybe I could build a giant robot out of it that could carry Lily home for me when she passed out. I was worried that the police might see me carrying an unconscious woman down the street and get the wrong idea- there was a lot of potential for misunderstanding and all- but if I had a Giant Robot it would be a lot easier to explain what what was going on... well, honestly, if you have a Giant Robot you really don't need to explain much of anything to anybody...


This worked great for a month or so until one fateful night at the corner pub. Lily had conked out an hour before last call and her snoring was starting to bug me while I was trying to hit on her best friend, so I got my G.R. to carry her home without me while I hung out looking to score with Lily's pal.

That was a mistake. Her friend shot me down so I walked home alone...maybe Lily could be stirred into action, I thought as I entered our dark apartment. I didn't see my robot- I guessed it had returned to the basement. It wasn't programmed to do that- it just liked it down there.

I didn't hear Lily snoring but I heard her special little sound- a sort of gasping meow- I wondered if she'd started the party without me...I tiptoed down the hall, maybe we could play 'Burglar'...I opened the bedroom door and saw the robot's metal ass...

Well, you can guess the rest.

Anyway, Lily and I broke up after that.

She offered me $500 for the Robot.

I wish I'd accepted it.