Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tying Lois

In the 1960's and 70's DC Comics published a seemingly endless number of spin-off comics featuring nearly all of Superman's friends and 'family'- Jimmy Olsen, Supergirl, Krypto the Superdog, Superboy and even Supertramp.

Superman fought Muhammed Ali. Supes lost in a repeat of the Great White Hope fiasco...I think space aliens intervened to make it a fair fight. Anyone got a copy?

Anyway, the longest running one was Superman's Girlfriend Lois Lane. It was the book that Superman editor Mort Weisinger would assign to writers and artists he was miffed at. It was intended as a sort of punishment, but some of the writers may have enjoyed themselves, perhaps too much.

One has to wonder at the 'creative process' behind this cover. In the illustration, Superman's two rival 'girlfriends ' have grown tired of Superman's unwillingness to commit and decided to put themselves in suspended animation for 5,000 years to punish him. The note at the foot of their iceboxes reads:

"Goodbye Superman! We're tired of waiting for you to propose. When we wake up in the future , you'll be DEAD, DEAD, DEAD! Lois and Lana

That's a pretty hateful goodbye letter. Vicious and frigid.

I must admit that I'm appalled at Supe's reaction to this. He's agonizing over what to do when what he should be saying is:
"Thank God the two most fucked-up bitch-persons I know have removed themselves from my life for 5,000 years. I'm freakin' Superman- I should be able to find a girlfriend that isn't completely insane. "

Instead he's acting like a SuperWuss.

After Julie Schwartz took over as editor he tried really hard to boost sales. Lois Lane was tied-up and threatened with all sorts of bizarre defilements every thirty days. I'm not sure exactly who these comics were being marketed to and apparently neither was DC Comics; eventually they stopped publishing Lois Lane, but not before she got into some pretty interesting binds.

These covers
are fairly blatant examples of fetish art, yet they were approved by the puritanical
Comics Code Authority,
which once refused to 'approve' an issue of Amazing Spider-Man because it featured drug use.
In the story , a druggie got high and flipped out and Spidey had to save him from leaping to his acid-induced death, so it wasn't exactly a pro-drug story, but the mere mention of dope, even in a negative sense was considered to be unsuitable for children.
Marvel Comics ( with Stan Lee calling the shots) published it anyway, without the CCA seal of approval. This was very controversial at the time and some newsstand distributors wouldn't carry it but I have always been grateful to Stan Lee for having the balls to tell the CCA to get lost , helping pave the way for the 'Non-Code'
"mature readers'' books that came later.

Lois should be grateful that Superman never seemed into getting down with her. As writer Larry Niven points out in his essay Man of Steel , Woman of Kleenex:

... Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite real....Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman designated LL for convenience.

The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.

Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?

Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.

Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)

I wonder if this is why they don't show 'Smallville' on my local cable?

Covers found here.


Invisible said...

Okay allan for some reason I found this hugely entertaining... ya know the whole ejaculation side of it and all..

and you dont get smallville? (reruns on abc family everyday)

angel said...

dude, i have always loved comic books- and i honestly cannot believe those LL ones are real!
although i once saw a comic book with these leech "people" who lived in a swamp or something and their queen was a huge fat chick and they snatched men off the surface of the water to fertilize the eggs she laid- kinda froglike... it was weird!

angel said...

oh, and i had to read the superman sex essay snippet to damien since we both love smallville! he giggled himself silly!

Allan said...

Vis- It used to be on at 2 am on some channel. Used to love it but I'm totally lost now.

Angel- Those are real. The artists would draw a cover like the ones featured and then it was up to the writers to create a story for it- all for ultra-low pay. I used to be in the comics was fun for a little while.

yellowdog granny said...

i wonder why i never was interested in comic books?...but i read tarzan and the space tarzan books, and everything by H.allen Smith,all of the Black Stallion books, actually every book ever written about horses.But I also remember reading Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead.I was 9-10 years old...don't know why I read them, or who brought them to my attention..but I read them..but comic's?...not interested at all..and even today I would rather have my teeth cleaned then watch an animated movie...which includes shrek,and the others...

bonjourtristesse said...

Allan, verrrrrrrrrrry interesting post...shades of Bettie Page on the comix book page! The history of comic books is suddenly taking on extreme interest for me...Ali? Acid trips? LOve triangles? Archie only had the last one...LOL!

Invisible said...

America’s Next Top Model
Beauty and the Geek (Unconfirmed, but near definite)
Everybody Hates Chris
The Game
Pussycat Dolls (Unconfirmed; Still need to work out new format)
One Tree Hill
WWE Smackdown (Unconfirmed)

7th Heaven
All of Us
Gilmore Girls

There ya go ALLAN
Updated renewals...

Allan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Todd and in Charge said...

Good stuff, I love the covers. I have the stunt issue from the mid-70s where Superman "battles" Spidey.

homo escapeons said...

This is Bloody Marvelous!
Now this is what they should be teaching in Universities around the world instead of dangling participles in Icelandic mythology.

Critical Thinking yeah baby.
I was very impressed that you took the time to examine Kal-el's commitment issues and peeled back the thin veneer of the bondage fetish bonanza on those covers!

The whole orgasmic scenario of Superman's fingers denting steel and ejaculating Lois into the next week reminded me of a line from Billion Dollar Babies..

"We go dancing nighty in the attic
While the moon is rising the sky
If Im too rough, tell me
I'm so scared your little head will come off in my hands"

Allan said...

JS- Um...OK. I like Peter Parker much more than Howard Roark, but to each their own...

E- I want to read comics to you!

Invis- I'm thinking of all the money I can save by not having cable.

HE- I agree! I am giving myself a doctorate in Graphic Literature and applying for tenure.Thanks!
Todd- The best Superman Fight is from Dark Knight Returns...Batman actually murders Superman. Dead.

Susannity said...

Never did comics either I'm afraid. I do love the movies though made around comic heroes. I didn't watch Smallville for the longest time because I figured it was a teeny bopper show, but my brother gave me the season 1-3 dvds to watch that he owned and I got hooked. Love a lot of the chars.
Didn't Superman and Lois get it on in the Superman movie? or Superman II? Can't remember which one, but I'm pretty sure there was some sex going on at the ice fortress.