My car came perilously close to overheating this evening. In the space of a mile or so, thethermostat goes from it's normal '12 o'clock vertical all the way into the far-right red zone, not quite clipping it, but close.
Can't drive like that without wrecking my engine, so I park in a 'reserved' spot in a nearby apartment building.
Under the hood, greenish-gray spray is everywhere...a coolant hose has split and the antifreeze is squirting into the fan and the belts, which are spraying it downward and aroundward...there is a puddle forming on the asphalt...damn.
Well, I can patch the leak with duct tape and put enough coolant in to get home, but first I need to wait for the engine to cool...it's too hot to stick my hand inside.
(Note: find the fuse labeled 'radiator/turbo fans' and remove it before sticking your hand anywhere near a radiator or turbo fan. Important.)
So I sit in the sun and think. I was thinking about how I was recently forced into discussing my alcoholism in real life, and how uncomfortable that was for both me and my interlocutor.
I was asked about my "support system"...I don't go to AA or any other group, but I do have other things, things I think work. I'm somewhat proud to have these things but not so proud I can't be grateful for them:
1) The radio. I have to get up every Sunday at 5:30-6am and do radio. I love doing this so much that waking up is never a problem, although sleeping beforehand often is. If I started drinking again, I would lose my ability to function in the morning. I'd lose my show.
Radio is part of my support system.
2) My grandmother. She is proud of me. To her, I am the one who beat the odds, she can talk about me at church without eliciting sympathy. To me, she was my anchor in a tsunami childhood. She did everything she could, and I'm here now when I otherwise might not have been.
3) You. My blogpals. You accept me despite knowing things that I haven't told many of my close friends. (Perhaps some of you don't, but you aren't reading this , so it's a moot point. )The real point is: I appreciate all the kind thoughts. (Some of you have marvelous timing...uncanny! )
I write about things that are hard for me to explain and that must be difficult for others to read, but sometimes it reaches someone who reaches back and that makes it worthwhile. Contact.
The thing is, I explained this to someone who has a history of dealing with drunks. They seemed to think it was reasonable and they especially thought #3 above was an interesting alternative to AA. I had never looked at blogging quite like that before, my idea was more along the Isle of Misfit Toys...
Was she wrong? I see some truth in it, but I don't think that's bad. I think it good.
Anyway, I patched the leak (for now) and got home, but I did get some thinking done while I waited for the engine to cool.
I'm thinking it's gonna work out somehow.
12 comments:
I think it's weird, talking about "real life" on the Internet, like this isn't real or life, or something. I understand that it means "in the flesh," or "face to face," but the wording is odd.
Good thing your car didn't explode, and that you had some time to reflect. All hail the might duct tape. :)
isn't it strange?..weird..? unusual ?..that we can tell our blogger buddies things we wouldn't ever tell a friend we see every day or even family...most of you know more about my inner thoughts then my own family...but maybe that's because they don't speak to me..ahahahahh..You know without saying that I am always ready to listen and give advice..I don't go to AA either..that would make me start drinking..chin up..tits up..er..ah..dick out..
I think she is right. If my blog is therapy why can't yours be as well. And I have found that the support I get from my online friends is every bit as real as support "IRL". Maybe even more so, a friend might be afraid to say something to you that a blog buddy wouldn't hesitate to say.
And of course it's gonna work out.
:-)
OK, I'm still lost in you last post...
I agree with your friend. It's a very weird and unique dynamic. There is an anonymity yet an intimacy. Is it from the lack of judgement? The safeness of the cyberveil? Like the screen in the Confessional? There is a security to it. And hey, whatever works, right? good thoughts to you, cyberfriend.
Come to think of it, The Island of Misfit Toys is kind of like an AA meeting.
"I'm a Cowboy and I ride an ostriche."
"Hello, Cowboy."
And, yeah, thank God for duct tape!
Blogging is like exibitionism .. with out the threat of exposure (pun intended).
We don't write to be judged, but we do write for a reaction (hopefully favourable). But at the sametime there seems to be a unwritten rule that we need to be honest, even though for the most part we could never be caught in dishonesty.
Anyway, with the alcholics in my family, I try everyday not be one. Because I know that I could very easily become one. So from me to you, as much strength as you need.
I think the support you get in the blog world is very much real support. It's a way of meeting on equal ground with others who are open about their own troubles. It doesn't matter that it is different issues for everyone - yours may be alcoholism, mine may be the turmoil of a divorce, and a million other things for other people. But I cherish the kind thoughts sent by others, and wouldn't want to give them up for anything. A "friend" IRL accused me of playing some sort of unhealthy internet game by engaging with other bloggers, but I think that's a fundamental misunderstanding about how the process works. So I say, if it feels like a support system, it's because it is a support system. And I'm thankful for that.
YY- Yeah, it's just shorhand for 'face-to face'. In real life , there is no such thing as 'real-life'.
JS- Sometimes I think my friends really DON'T WANT to know how bad it can get...so I try not to talk about it. Which means not talking much at all.
Whim- I hope so.
CB- Cyberveil. I like that. Thanks.
CG- Haha!
- "Hi. I'm a rocker and I play trombone."
AC- I used to think of this as anonymous, but my real name is all over the place now...life is an open blog etc .Keep up the good work on not being a boozehound. Learning from the mistakes of others saves one much pain. Keep coming back! (sorry, couldn't resist)
CS-" A "friend" IRL accused me of playing some sort of unhealthy internet game by engaging with other bloggers..."
I have seen this happen in unhealthy ways on blog...I was once the target of a truly warped whispering campaign instigated by a single delusional blogger...but I suspect that person, (like many non-bloggers), pulls the exact same bullshit in 'real -life.'
If it works, it works.
If not,try somethine else- but don't give up.
Sometimes I miss my real life friend, though.
my support group consists of 3 doctors.
even though i poke fun at doctors once in a while, my credo is:
your doctor is your friend.
i keep a notebook on me at all times for exactly those moments- the ones when i have to wait for something and then end up thinking stuff over because i can't google anything right at that moment...!
i also scribble notes when i want to throw my toys out the cot over something, and when i'm people watching through dark glasses over a cup of coffee!
and blogging is so a part of my therapy!!!
Post a Comment