Get In Now!

I posted this link in one of my first-ever posts. At the time, I had a temp job that was so slack I had nothing better to do than spend entire days researching weird animals.
One of my enduring favorites is the hagfish, which is a really fascinating creature.
Did you know that the hagfish can tie itself into knots and cover itself with slime? It can.
Anyway, I had a brief period of hagfish-driven wistfulness, eventually moving on to the snakehead fish, the giant squid and other beasties ...but I kept drifting back to the hagfish and wondering...

NOW

Now you can make $30k-$50k a month, in your spare time, raising hagfish. I started with a motley collection of wading pools that I stole from suburban backyards and just this month I signed a 10-year contract with The City to convert their soon-to-be unfunded Municipal Swimming Pools into a series of hagfish hatcheries. I can barely find the time to write this, hurried as I am by meetings with my perpetually breathless team of expert helpers-even now we are lining up some other Big Cities and boy, let me tell you, they are ponying up some juicy incentives to help us annex their burdensome and unsanitary Public pools.

I can't tell you the details, since it's mostly illegal, but trust me-it's a sweetheart deal!

Big cities, not dead-end towns, but Big Cities- the kind you read about in the papers- are jumping on the Hagfish bandwagon faster than slimed lightning.

You can do more than read about the Big City hagfish goldmines- you can own one of them!

NOW IS THE TIME

The hagfish stands poised to break out of the muck and into the Fortune 500. The hagfish is a critical player in the booming North Korean marketplace and now you can bring a little of that Asian zest to your hometown.

The Koreans have been eating hagfish for centuries- more so now than ever, since the 'hag's' food of choice is dead fish, which Korea's polluted waterways produce in abundance. The hagfish thrives in an environment of untreated sewage and raw industrial waste, lending credibility and hope to the once far-fetched Utopian ideal of the world's oceans becoming a global hagfish paradise.

In N.K. there's not much to eat but hagfish and sewer cabbages, meaning that North Korea is actually thirty to forty years ahead of the rest of the planet, not fifty years behind , as some speculate.

WHY ?

Face it-the meat market has seen better days. First there was the Mad Cow scare; now an Avian Flu pandemic seems inevitable- I mean, migratory birds as carriers? That's frightening. The possibility of a world-wide decimation of poultry livestocks is a very real one, and it could cause an epic shitstorm in the Big Food markets.

Of course any domestic outbreaks would be covered up at first- or blamed on Canada, or both - but eventually it'll get out and then-no more chicken or turkey, goose or duck, pigeon or vulture, etc. No more eggs.

No more omelets or holiday bird feasting. What a fallen world it will be for the wretched masses who aren't ready to seize the future. The ones who didn't invest in hagfish when they had they chance. I'd pity them, but I'm too busy counting my money. When the chicken disappear, they're gonna leave behind a mighty big hole. I intend to plug that hole with hagfish.

HAGFISH IS THE NEW CHICKEN

Like me, if you've ever worked the 'C' shift at a frankfurter factory , you know that anything can be converted into a product that the majority of people will treat as if it were edible. This includes hagfish. Modern food processing technologies allow the entire fish, rudimentary skeleton included, to be pulped, pasted and formed into a variety of consumer-friendly shapes- why just last week, I signed a deal with Disney Inc. to manufacture a series of hagfish nuggets in the shapes of beloved Disney characters!

Q: What looks like Donald Duck, tastes like chicken franks and flies off of supermarket shelves?

A: Hagfish Nuggets!

As a bonus, hag's hide can be fashioned into small, versatile articles such as those that would normally be constructed of leather- a belt, a wallet, or a pouch that a child could use to carry marbles and a pitiful handful of coins collected from passers-by. These items can be cheaply manufactured overseas by unpaid orphans, stamped with a look-alike designer logo and sold on cable TV and parking-lot "flee" markets for a ten-fold profit.

Even better, the copious slime that the fish produces when stressed contains the same proteins as egg albumen, making it a perfect substitute for eggs in many dishes, especially baked goods. Remember, after the chicken is gone, so is the egg.

THIS EVOLUTIONARY THROWBACK IS A MONEY TREE!

I've even taken the financially prudent step of registering "Hulafish" as a business trademark- 'Hagfish' as a brand name has fared poorly in our focus groups, but everyone one loves the old-fashioned, yet hip sound of 'Hulafish'- it's similar phonetically to tunafish, which gives the consumer a "comfort platform" from which to encounter my product. Your product.

Our product.

I NEED YOUR HELP

That's a lie. I need your money.

A mere $50,000 will grant you semi-exclusive Hulafish farming rights in one or more specially selected zip codes. Some of our carefully selected regions are so desolate and inaccessible that they are virtually uninhabited, making them prime areas for intensive development- you can recoup your initial investment with just one mass spamming, selling sub-farms and franchising sweatshops for the production of "Hulaskin" shoes.

My friend, if you can't sell a product named "Hulaskin" on the Web, you should be living in a Marxist collective, not investing in my product.

URGENT

Unless I can get $50k soon, the City will withdraw it's offer- and the hagfish will never save the world. Instead of millions of dollars in subsidized profits , myself and my fellow visionaries will have only our broken dreams and the pained expression on our faces as we once again tell our teary-eyed and malnourished children that this Friday, as every Friday before, there will be no Hulafish on our barren plank of a table.

Don't let this happen.

Send money NOW, before it's too late.

For the children.