Thursday, January 24, 2008

Today


L to R: Grandpa Coey; me; Grandma Shorty; the Twin and Grandma Lucille, circa 1983.

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Lucille was my mother's mother. My mom died ten years ago and her mother died ten years before that. My grandpa died in 1990 and today it seems inevitable that his wife will soon join him.

My grandmother's doctors have summoned her two sons to the hospital this afternoon; dad and my uncle will be given the options and outcomes that we have unofficially known for some time. These are the choices that her sons will be faced with:

a) Take her off life-support and wait for her to die, hoping that it is peaceful.

b) Leave her on life-support and wait for her to die, hoping that it is peaceful.


I don't envy my father and uncle. This is not going to be easy for them and I am not sure that they are strong enough to make it through the days ahead without falling into a drunken abyss...it's not easy to be a recovering alcoholic during times like this and I need to have a little compassion at this point- I will kick Dad's ass later, for sure- for now, I feel that it's important that we stay as united and supportive as we possibly can...if he gets drunk once, that's one thing. If he stays drunk, that's another...it angers me- outrages me- that we have to worry about a couple of drunken old men while we face this very difficult loss, but I'm going to use this space to vent so that I don't have to yell at dad during the coming aftermath.

Yelling won't do any good and I know it, but the need to scream is very real and it needs to be indulged lest it metastasize into something buried and malign.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So this is it. My grandmother would want me to stay by my father- and I will. Until he lets us down.
If.
We are heading into what will surely be a huge, painful mess...it's a tough time to be an adult but someone has to be and if that person is me, then that is what I need to be.

Adult.
I don't feel adult.
When I think of my dying grandmother and my broken family I feel like I'm three years old and might never stop crying.

But I will. I'm an adult.

7 comments:

yellowdog granny said...

I never felt more like a child then when my daddy died..so i know how you feel...my heart goes out to you my friend...call me if you need..call collect if you need..jac

beth said...

All your friends will still be here. I am so sorry you must go through this.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Lord, my friend, I understand and no BS. I haven't felt like an adult since my mom died and it's going on 8 years. I hear ya. Grief is just so bad, but you are not alone in this.

billy pilgrim said...

it's pretty hard for an alcoholic to get drunk just once, maybe impossible.

maybe the buddhists are right and it's all part of a wonderful journey where a good life is rewarded.

AC@44 said...

thoughts and wishes that the best happens going out to you.

more cowbell said...

Damn, Allan. Rough times. The adult thing ... sometimes I wish my mom would just come and handle everything, make all the decisions, tell me what to do. We rush so fast to get there, but adulthood is sure as hell not all it's cracked up to be.

Good thoughts to you and your family Allan.

angel said...

i do not envy anyone in your family right now allan...

"strongs"