This morning I turned on the radio and heard the robot, which meant that the DJ preceding me hadn't shown up-normally, this would really piss me off, but today was different. Today I had a new LP , Sandy Nelson's Teen Drums, and I figured I'd use the extra airtime to play the entire record from start to finish, pausing only long enough to change sides.
Alas, it was not to be.
By the time I arrived, our Gospel Guy was already there. I walked into the booth just in time to hear him completely fuck up, breaking serious rules- in the interest of the station, I won't repeat what he said but I will share what I said after I killed the mic:
"Have you lost your fucking mind?"
It was a rhetorical question. I already knew he was insane, I just hadn't counted on his witless utterances ruining my Teen Drums fantasy...I was no longer entranced by the wholesome innocence of the pupil-less teenage model and her red-sparkle sex toys...er, I mean drum kit. Red-sparkle drums...teen drums, to be specific.
Luckily, I was prepared. I'm as ready as a hundred Boy Scouts and my favorite Swiss Army Knife hails from East Germany:
Nina Hagen- Lucky Numbers
I have learned that an admission of the Major Hots for Nina Hagen is a sure-fire conversation killer. It doesn't matter who you are talking to, they will walk away and their opinion of you will be irrevocably diminished. Ask me if I care.
Pink Floyd- Bring The Boys Back Home
There are at least 100,000 ways to make on-air political commentary without risking a $250,000 FCC fine. This song, for example, is one such way.
Steve Hillage- It's All Too Much
Is it? I feel like Oliver fuckin' Twist.
Grace Slick & Paul Kantner- Harp Tree Lament
Grateful Dead lyricist Robert Hunter co-wrote this song. I like it anyway.
Kinks- Jukebox Music
Ray Davies is one of the best American songwriters of all-time. Him being British doesn't change that.
Damien Dempsey- The Jar Song
Damien sings about getting loaded with Christy Moore and Shane McGowan. Don't try that at home.
Rajput and the Sepoy- Up, Up and Away ( in my beautiful balloon)
Ok, I'm starting to get back into the storyline of my 1960's teen drums melodrama...this sitar-driven inanity is easily the worst song I have ever played, anywhere, at any time.
Don't expect an apology.
Klark Kent- Don't Care
"If you don't like my arrogance, you can suck my socks!"
Rod Stewart- Mama, You Been On My Mind
Steeleye Span- Dark-Eyed Sailor
If the leftover ballads from the period are any indication, 18th century courtship went something like this:
Him: " I am leaving on a long and dangerous sea journey, one from which I may never return. If you are ever going to put out, now is the time. I'll even marry you if I have to. I'm a dead man either way."
Her (swooning): "Yes, my darling. I will prove my love."
She, of course, becomes pregnant and he inevitably perishes in a horrible shipwreck, leaving her alone, pining away with her fatherless child, watching the horizon for a ship that will never come in...hold on a second while I check my email. I think it's broken.
Fiona Joyce- Long Road to Travel
The more things change the more we wish they hadn't.
Fairport Convention- Beggar's Lament
Have I mentioned my employment woes lately?
Altan- Suil Ghorm
This song might sound upbeat , but I'm pretty sure it involves some heartbreak. What doesn't?
Papa John Creach- Fiddlin' Around
PJC was to Jefferson Airplane what Sugarcane Harris was to Tupelo Chain Sex. Grok?
Iron Butterfly- Best Years of Our Life
Man, if the best years of your life were spent listening to Iron Butterfly...geez. Sorry.
Be Bop Deluxe- Sister Seagull
You're the reason I survive...this is a love song. To a guitar. Makes sense to me.
Al Stewart- Sirens of Titan
Sandy Nelson- Quite a Beat
This is my favorite song on the record, but other titles include: Teen March; Teenage House Party and Bang a Teenage Gong.
Ok, I made the last one up...BTW, if you found this blog by 'accidentally' trolling for pervy delights, stay tuned. My next post is going to be about backtracking IP addresses.
Grin- You're the Weight
He mentions oceans, sex and drowning in this song...it's like Bergman with a rock beat.
Ten Years After- I'd Love To Change The World
After this song, a Public Service Announcement about pollution...
Neil Young- Let's Impeach the President
Followed by more FCC-safe commentary, courtesy of Old Neil.
Lou Reed- Satellite of Love
I dedicated this one to the spy machine that we recently exploded. Our government is pretty good at blowing up broken shit, I'll give 'em credit for that.
Pretty Things- She Don't
I'll be there.
Katie Lee- Will to Fail
Quicksilver Messenger Service- Gold & Silver
Right before the really, really good twin guitar part my record started skipping...I bought this album in 1982 and it waited this long to fuck up? On air? How embarrassing. I felt naked and exposed. Impotent, like.
Atomic Rooster- People You Can't Trust
Do you have a sitemeter thing on your blog? Do you sometimes get hits from folks searching for things like " naked teenage girl eating possum at drummer house party"?
This song is about those people.
Next: What am I , a prophet?