The Lighter Side of Cremation

Yesterday,my cousin and I told my great-aunt that her son was dead. I don't know if you are prepared to read about what that was like but I do know that I'm not ready to blog about it; suffice it to say that in the aftermath, I was delegated the task of researching what to do with my cousin's physical remains.

His mother and sister have chosen cremation for him and he is a Coast Guard vet, so he is eligible for internment in a National Cemetery, which I think he would like. His body is in Baltimore, pending autopsy, which is kinda odd because he didn't die in Baltimore...anyway, after the examination, we will have him cremated in Maryland, sent here for the service and then interred at a National site TBD. My cousin has her hands full of grief already, so I am handling the morbid logistics at the moment.

Have you ever shopped on-line for a cremation? It's a surprisingly poetic and enlightening experience.

The first thing that struck me was the language. My initial cursory search ("cremation") returned sites and phrases such as:

-Cremation Society: A social fabric woven from human ashes? Intriguing, but it's really just a name for a business association of crematoriums. It makes me think of Pompeii and what it would be like to be vulcanized at the height of an orgiastic frenzy.

-Funeral Depot: I find the combination of funereal and railroad imagery to be deeply unsettling. I hope you know why. Don't let yourself forget.

-Urn Mall: Thousands of urns to choose from, including hundreds for pets. Pets? Human (and presumably, feline) ashes have a consistency not unlike that of cat litter. Be careful who you choose as executor, is what I'm sayin'.


-Dignity Blanket: This is the shroud that the cremator drapes over the crematee. I'm thinking of purchasing one early in hope that it helps with my personality defects.

-Full Body Donation :I won't need a Dignity Blanket after I die. There are a number of places where you can 'donate' your entire body to science. The funeral provider picks up your body and disposes of it at no cost, selling the remains to medical schools for
a profit. It's both a ghoulishly practical option for the heir-free indigent such as myself and another vivid historical reminder.

Second, I noticed that when it comes to cremation products, there are more distributors than products...link after link carrying exactly the same line of merchandise at slightly varying prices. If I didn't know better, I'd speculate that the Internet is lousy with third-party middlemen.

Last, I'd like to forget about death for a moment and announce that we successfully installed our new studio at the radio station and are now officially broadcasting from Studio One! The sudden bad news caused me to miss the final testing and transfer, along with my radio show, but I was gratified to turn on the radio this morning and hear our DJ loud and clear.

Listen.

That really loud humming sound that you DON'T hear? I was the one who figured out how to get rid of that noise. I knew exactly what the problem was, but I spent twelve hours over two days fucking-up and bungling on purpose because I didn't want to show off by appearing to know what I was doing. I find that maintaining a veil of incompetence helps lesser mortals overcome their natural tendency towards intimidation when confronted with my daunting combination of expertise and humility.

Actually, it was a team effort and 99% of the work was done by people who weren't me, although I do think I can make a fair claim to having some of the best facial expressions and worst jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a DJ and a large cheese pizza?

A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Hilarious.
So much for my Dignity Blanket.

Speaking of the radio, I just heard a snippet of this story on our news programming and I had to check it on-line. It's extremely fucked-up. I can find humor in death and funerals but I can't find any in domestic violence. Canadian ad agency DDB Canada should be buried in an unmarked grave for running an ad campaign that thinks pictures of battered women are funny. I wonder if DDB Canada are the folks who came up with the moniker 'Funeral Depot?'

Well, I gotta go change moods. See ya on the flipside.