Winning The War On Terra

Rejecting a prosecution request for a severe sentence, a panel of military officers sentenced the convicted former driver for Osama bin Laden to five and a half years in prison on Thursday. The sentence means that the first detainee convicted after a war crimes trial here could complete his punishment by the end of this year.

Who the fuck is Osama Bin Laden? That name sounds vaguely familar but I'm having a hard time placing it...was he the driver for Saddam Hussien? Come to think of it, who the hell was Saddam Hussien? If memory serves me, Saddam was the guy who died and made the world a safer place, but the details of just how his death made the world safer elude me in much the same fashion that Osama eludes our crackerjack anti-terra war machine.

Nearly seven years after the start of our War on Terra we finally see some results- we have convicted Osama's driver of being Osama's driver, something that he freely confessed to , stating that he felt he had two choices:

-Drive Osama and face punishment should he be caught by anti-Terra authorities...

-Stop driving Osama and take a bullet in the back of the head.

For that, he was detained at Gitmo for over 61 months- without charges- while BushCo fabricated a travesty of a military tribunal system; one that allowed hearsay and evidence produced under torture to be introduced into the trial and disallowed rights guaranteed by the Geneva Convention. BTW, what the hell is the Geneva Convention?

With a rigged system, a secretive prosecution and almost six years to build it's case, the BushCo Justice Squad barely managed to convict Hamdan of what he had admitted to already...in fact, it took them so long to do so that Mr. Hamdan has already served the majority of his sentence and is eligible to be released in a matter of months -unless BushCo exercises the right it has granted itself, allowing our Freedom Spreaders to keep anyone in jail for any (or no) reason for any amount of time, all at the whim of our Glorious Leader and his string-pullers.

Given the time frame of this first tribunal and that there are approximately eighty other Terra suspects awaiting "trial" at Gitmo, we can expect justice to be served to all the Gitmo defendants sometime in the next five hundred and sixty-odd years.

Freedom Spreaders like to claim that Terra-ists don't deserve fair trials- after all, they are Terra-ists- but how do we know that they are Terra-ists if we don't present evidence, allow for defense and have hearings ( aka trials) to establish guilt?

The easiest way, it once seemed, would be to torture the guilt into our prisoners but the world is full of squeamish liberal pussies who blanch at the idea of using medieval interrogation techniques to wrest confessions out of captives- don't these hand-wringing closet Socialists remember Tomas Torquemada and the Spanish Inquisition of the late 1400's? That dude kicked ass- almost everyone he tortured was found guilty. Post-humously.

At the behest of the Roman Catholic Church, Torquemada was amazingly succesful at using "advanced interrogation" to bleed confessions out of Jews and heretics- like BushCo, Torky had rigorous Church-imposed guidlines to ensure he didn't Spread Godliness on the innocent:

If you see that your neighbors are wearing clean and fancy clothes
on Saturdays, they are Jews.
If they clean their houses on Fridays and light candles earlier than
usual on that night, they are Jews.
If they eat unleavened bread and begin their meal with celery and
lettuce during Holy Week, they are Jews.
If they say prayers facing a wall, bowing back and forth,
they are Jews.

I mean, if you don't want a Vatican Death Squad to confiscate your property and burn you at the stake, then simply don't wear clean clothes on Saturday. How hard is that?

Of course, no one hates or persecutes Jews or any other ethnic minority anymore, so the code pasted above needs to be updated in order to persecute liberals, liberals being the direst threat facing Freedom at this moment in time:

If you see that your neighbors are not wearing flag pins on their lapels, they are Liberals.
If they place recyclables outside on Fridays and use compact flourescent bulbs,
they are Liberals.
If they eat unbleached bread and begin their meals with celery and
arugula , they are Liberals.
If they don't drag God into every discussion regardless of topic, setting or context ,
they are Liberals.

Freedom Spreaders take note: Your neighbors may be Liberals...your spouse and/or children may be falling under the nefarious sway of Troop-Hating Recycling Cultists and Anti-American Vegetarians at this very moment!

Has your daughter taken to riding a bicycle lately, muttering about the so-called "high price of gas?" If so, buy a Hummer and use it to drive her to a convent! If we don't keep using gasoline, we won't have any reason to build oil rigs on the Florida coast and the Terra-Lovin' Liberals will have won.

Don't let that happen. Let Freedom Spread!