What was that noise? It sounded like a City bus being towed away by a Sherman tank, but it was far too early in the morning to actually get up and look...at first, anyway. After a few minutes of metallic clamor, I heard my neighbor Scotty join in the fun , adding his loud and colorful commentary to the ongoing din:
"Muggerfuckershoespitter! Shitpaperbookfuckerbox! Nipplepaintpeelingcuntwall! Fuckwaterbottle!"
Without my glasses, this is all I could see (below), but it, combined with Scotty's interjections, was enough to wake me up.
I suspect that Scotty suffers from some combination of Tourette's Syndrome and alcoholic dementia, on account of him pretty much always wandering around the neighborhood, half-drunk and talking crazy to himself; I mean, he's been doing it for as long as I can recall and is a harmless neighborhood fixture, but he does tend to frighten the uninitiated...anyway, he had a valid point this time.
I got dressed, put on my spectacles and took a look outside .
I'll be a muggerfuckinfuckerwatershitbottleshoespitsonofabitch...this was the view from my front door, 8am Saturday:
Scotty (red coat, above) didn't even seem to notice any of this. He was explaining "fuckbox sandtraps" to the sidewalk when I stepped outside.
"Good morning Scotty, what's up?", I said, sipping my first coffee of the morning.
"Antmorning! Shitwalkantsgoupandown. Muggerfuck! Ants!"
"Muggerfuck", I agreed, pointing at the crane.
"Slattassfuckershittrucktruckfeets!", he replied, seemingly in agreement...then he shuffled off, which is a rather muggerfucking sloooow process, him not walking so good and all. It's sad watching him shuffle and mumble his way through a haze of mental illness, walking his endless, aimless and heart-breakingly ironic loops around the hospital all day.
It wasn't until later that morning that I noticed that Scotty had dropped an impressively large and fly-covered turd onto the walkway between my building and the adjacent one. I dealt with this mess the only way I know how: by ignoring it and hoping that magical 'de-turding' elves would materialize from the Faerie realm and cart Scotty's spoor away to an enchanted farm where it would be used as fertilizer for growing giant beanstalks. It was either that or wait for Superman to stop by and use his heat-vision to incinerate the unwanted poo...but I got lucky and a torrential downpour washed Scotty's filth out of my sight and into my local groundwater...oh.
Perhaps that isn't so good...
Imagine yourself recuperating from a major surgery. If you haven't had one, take my word for it that it will leave you tired and a little grumpy. Plus, you will be in a strange bed and surrounded by all sorts of machines that healthy people seldom encounter. In general, it is a bummer situation.
Now add heavy construction machinery to the mix. Look outside- there is a loud crane swinging a very heavy-looking piece of metal around, directly outside your window. If you have one of those 'self-serve' morphine drips, this might be a good time to press the button that dispenses your ration. If you aren't already having a heart attack, feign one- maybe the docs will give you Xanax or Valium to calm you down.
This operation was actually interesting to watch for a short while- but when I realized that it was going to be a lengthy and very loud affair, I was forced to leave the house...but where to go?
Might as well hit the airwaves:
THE NEW BREAKFAST SNOB, SAT. SEPT. 26,2009
Atris- Status Update
The Cranberries- Close To You
Kathy Fleischmann- He's Erasing Me
Jim Protector- The Hallmark Channel
Cary Grace-The Scarab
Cafebar 401- Blame The Villian
No Restraints- I was Wrong
Firewater- The Circus
Dread Zeppelin- Viva Las Vegas
Planetary Nights- Blisters On My Soul
Here and Now- City Man Cry
Cupero- La Sombra
Omar Alexander- Breathe In
Pretty Things- All Light Up
Damien Dempsey- Negative Vibes
Jeannine Hebb- All The Way Down
Megaphone- Write It Down
Angelfish- Dogs In A Cage
Beauregard Ajax- Loneliness Is A Sometimes Thing
Lou Reed- Hanging Around
Atomic Hooligan- Thief
Amon Duul II- Kanaan
Joe Croker- Lil' Miss Combat Boots
Dead Smiling Pirates- I 18
Clara Bellino- Goodnight Baby